All I have is here
I have been lonely in this battle for a very long time and I have no one to talk to or have a support. So I need your support and compassionate understanding.
I am a daughter of an alcholic father and the familiar pattern recognition led me to an alcholic husband. I didn't see this coming, I had nevee thought that the person I was going to get married is also an alcoholic. It has been 7 years now. Until now we manages somehow, he had his lowedt lows and recoveries as well. Up until now I tried everything, getting angry, not talking, threating, loving, caring, supporting... And maybe more. I searched for cause to help him but now at this point even after we cleared many reasons he finds as a reason to drink, he still drinks and I'm so afraid of him hurting himself.
Today I came home after taking care of my mom from her operation, to my home that I was happy and excited to meet with my hustand again who was sober for 11 days and attending meetings. However yesterday I got a message that he said he was drinking again. I didn't get angry, I tried to show my love and my support, I said okay yesterday is over today is a new day. He was texting and he sound sober again. I really believed what I said to hım, really yesterday was over and today we will ve fine.
This belief was true until I come home. When I rang the doorbell, he didn't open the door, I thought maybe he is on balcony and couldn't hear. So I got inside with my keys. I put my bags and took a small peak to olur study room. First I couldn't understand what I was seeing. Then I looked carefully. My husband was on the floor and there was a pool of blood around his head. There is no way of explaining the feeling I had, terror got me. Then I checked on him, it wasn't something that I thought of as a reason, it wasn't from his head. As he was so drunk, he couldn't even ait and fell from his chair, hit his glasses on the floor, his glasses were broken and that broken glasses caused two small cuts near his eye. I relieveda while. Then I looked at the pool of blood, to have this kind of pool, he had to be lying there for a very long time because cuts were really small. I still can't understand how this happened. 20 minutes before I got home, I texted him, he said he is waiting for me and not to worry because I wouldn't find him as I had been worrying, he said. Then only 20 minutes passed and I found him worse than my worries.
At the back of my head I always worry about him falling from somewhere and he would hurt himself. Until now nothing like this scene happened but similiar situations. However these days I have been realizing that I will lose my husband really early in this life, not sure about reason maybe he will fall like this and hurt himself, maybe his body will react to alchol I don't know. But years ago I knew that I would lose my dad because of alcholism and now I have the same feeling for my husband.
I really love my husband, he is my best friend, my safe place, my best part of life. Other than dealing with alcholism, I have nothing on my husband. However this alcholism is killing him, and I can't do anything. I can't even reassure myself anymore. This feeling got so big that I have no idea how to deal with it.
If you kept reading until now, thank you so so much, I really needed to take this out of my chest.