flirted with cousin 1,5 years ago and still have hangxiety
I am woman 33 years old, cousin around 40. I grew up in the town where all my 20 cousins live, I don’t live there anymore and I visit maximum once a year. We were very close when younger.
They made this party for me, because I was in town. I had my boyfriend with me. We had alot of tequila and I got drunker than I have ever been. All of the sudden I couldn’t find my boyfriend and I asked my cousin to help me look for him, so we went upstairs and went back down again. For some reason I asked to walk upstairs again(?) and ”looked” again for my boyfriend, and I stopped my cousin, and I hugged him for a long time, like close close, then I rested my head on his chest and said something like you are good friends with my dad right. It does not sound flirty but I remember in the taxi home when drunk I felt that was flirty.
It felt flirty to ask him to go upstairs when we knew my boyfriend wasn’t there, so I could be cozy with him or wtf I was doing/thinking. I felt like shit the next day, I felt like what if he tells someone this or someone saw this and now all my cousins find me creepy/disgusting. I was never even that close with this cousin, we have never been friends, so this couldn’t really be a ”buddy” thing. I came to this subreddit to read alot the days/weeks after, but the feeling never disappeared and I still feel like shit weekly about this. I haven’t told anyone because of shame. This is so unlike me and far from who I am and thats the worst part. All I remember from that moment is what I have written here, who knows how touchy I was or what more I said. I guess im spiraling because of potential memory loss.
I met him again at christmas one year later and he joked and said we should have a cousin party again, the problem is the hangover because of how much he drank.
I met them for 2 hours for christmas, probably won’t see them again for a long time which probably is what fuels my anxiety, I can’t tell what they think.
What does this sound like for you guys? could really use input. Best case he didn’t take it as flirting and wouldn’t tell his siblings (my other cousins) I was flirting, because they would probably think he would be weird for even saying that?
sorry for wall of text, sorry for sounding like a confused teenager when I am 33 years old (adds to the anxiety, I should know better, not get this drunk and weird)
..and english is not my first language.