u/shesthecatsmeow_

“Patsy, why the &$%# am I here again?”

Patsy Walker laughs to herself.

Silly Jessica Jones. Silly sillly Jessica Jones. Isn’t it obvious?

“…no?”

Jessica looks at Patsy, a perfect blend of annoyed and confused.

Obviously we’re holding tryouts to find models for my upcoming charity event! It’s like you didn’t even read my email.

“I didn’t.”

You should, I really put my heart into it.

“Why did you ask me of all people?”

Were you ever going to agree to be a model for this, Jess?

“Absolutely not.”

You are one of my only friends who’d say that outright, so I need you to help me judge!

“…I guess that makes sense? Did this really have to take place in front of my office though?”

Yes.

Jessica puts her head in her hands in exasperation. This is going to be a long day, but knowing Patsy, it’s a longer one if she doesn’t get go along with this.

A sign is out front that reads “Model Tryouts at Alias Investigations For Good Cause”.

She needs about 10 to pull this off. Hopefully someone bites.

OOC: Any character is free to interact with this! Know that for the actual event, the character must be someone content wearing dresses.

“Miss Walker, we’ve read the provided documents, and I’m not sure-“

There it is. Patsy sent her pitch to the board, and it’s going to get shot down before she’s even gotten to say her She knew that would happen. She owns this damn franchise! But it never feels like she can do anything with it.

But she believes in this idea. And she wants to see it made real. She isn’t gonna leave this room happy unless she knows she at least tried. What would Shulkie do in her shoes right now?

She’d argue the hell out this case. So that’s what Patsy is gonna do. Before he can finish speaking, Patsy slams her hand on the table.

You’re not sure? Well I am! This is a genius marketing idea, and I’m not going to lose it without a fight!

The head of the board sighs.

“Very well, Miss Walker. Please do try to keep it brief. We have plenty of pressing matters we need to discuss today.”

Condescending jerk. Was that actually condescending? It felt condescending. She never feels like she’s taken seriously during these meetings. Time to make her case.

As you should be well aware, many issues of Patsy Walker ran with Fashion pages. These pages had dresses, each designed by the fans, that could be cut out and put onto the little model of me. We’re on the same page?

“You mean the gimmick pages that hurt the resale value of old issues because of the holes cut into them? Yes, I’m aware”

Cheese and crackers! Patsy wonders in this moment where so many men lose their sense of whimsy. She is thankful for the ones that kept theirs.

…pointless talk about nonsense I don’t care about aside, this was a really popular thing back then. We got a ton of design submissions, more than we could even print. This is a really important part of the history of the comic, but I’ve always wanted to push it further.

“We read your pitch document, Miss Walker. This is all rather redundant to repeat.”

You wanted me to prove the value, Seymour? Then let me make the dang case and stop interrupting me!

There is silence. That’s right. Patsy dropped his first name. She’s getting serious here.

As I was saying. I always wondered if we could do more. I mean, I was grateful for all these designs, but it’s not like I ever actually wore them. No-one ever got to aside from a little paper version of me. I say we fix that. I say we take some of these designs and make them real!

“You did great, Patsy, but be prepared for the cross examination”. The little Jen in Patsy’s head and her limited understanding of what happens in a court room tell her this. Thanks little Jen.

“We cannot simply start a fashion line, Miss Walker. Who is the audience?”

Patsy scoffs.

Part of why my late Mom wrote these comics to begin with! She wanted young women to see themselves in me. How many of the designs that got submitted do you think were dresses that the designers wished they could be wearing themselves? Plus, fashion is a way bigger market. Way bigger demand than nostalgic old comics.

“But, we cannot simply use these designs, Miss Walker! We need permission from the original designers. Do you want to risk lengthy legal battles over copyright that you will lose even if you win?”

The names and hometowns of all of them are by the dress they designed. If you can’t get in touch with them to ask and arrange some royalties, then I don’t know why I keep you on this board to begin with.

“And if we don’t make the money you assume we will? What royalties will we have to pay them with?”

Fine, you aren’t sold? Let’s prove the concept, then. Let’s design some of them, and let’s make an event out of it. Fashion show, I’ll walk that runway, and I’ll get you other models to walk it too. Afterwards, we’ll have a party where we auction off the dresses. See how high people are willing to bid for them, and prove there is a demand for this! We can donate those earnings to charity, too. I hear they need to reconstruct the World Trade Center again? We can fund that.

“…I presume you’ll be planning this event yourself, Miss Walker? And covering the losses if this completely fails!”

Duh! You think Patsy Walker doesn’t know how to throw a party?

Patsy Walker awakens on Jennifer Walters bed. She slept in an ungodly position that night that is gonna do a number on her back down the line, and that left her arm completely numb. That’s a tomorrow Patsy problem, though. Well, the arm thing is kinda a problem, but that usually sorts itself out. Just feels weird.

Waking up in Shulkies bed is nothing new. Solid mix of “where Patsy Walker is going to fall asleep that day is a mystery to everyone including her” (though lately, she’s been aiming for curled up against Jen), “and “Jennifer Walters is too nice and lets Patsy have the bed sometimes.

Patsy walks out of the room, rubbing her eyes. She’s still waking up for the day. She looks at the couch, and sure enough, there’s Jen.

Patsy’s eyes linger for a long time. She can’t help herself. God, Jen is everything. Patsy really has to tell her she feels that way, today.

…if she has to wait, she’s gonna go crazy. She needs to do it now. She goes to wake up Jen, but changes her mind.

No, she has to make it special! She can’t just tell Jen and call it a day. She’s gotta take her somewhere for it! That way, even if Patsy gets an answer she’s not wanting to hear, she’s still at brunch with her best friend!

She goes to wake Jen for real now.

Heyyyy, Jen! We should totally go somewhere for breakfast today!

I’m thinkinggggg

What’s that place? With the guys name we keep thinking about trying?

Gary’s? Frank’s?

No, that’s not it

Alfonzo’s?

I do wanna try them, but that’s pizza I think. Is it pizza?

Patsy googles it.

Oh yeah, pizza. Calzones look pretty good, though. We could get dinner there later?

What was I talking about? Oh right! Let’s go to Eduardo’s!

…..

That doesn’t sound right either.

Recently, I started therapy.

I’m not sure what it’ll help, by this point. I’m pretty sure my nightmares are more than just bad dreams, by this point. But when Monica suggested the idea, I figured, hey, I’ll give it a shot.

I don’t think I made any breakthroughs, but my therapist did suggest journaling. So here I am, Patsy Walker, journalizing the hell out of this journal.

Maybe the reason I haven’t really make much progress in therapy yet is because I haven’t really opened up to my therapist yet. What? You try trusting people with your dark secrets when any one of them could secretly be publishing them on their fan blog. It’s happened to me before.

So, I guess here is where it’s safest to do it? But I don’t know where to begin. Are you supposed to write about your day? Because I spent so much of mine on Shulkies couch I feel like that would bore even my self healing journey.

So I guess I could talk about one of my problems? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh! What about my hellhole of a love life! That’s fun!

I mean cmon, I’ve literally been married to the son of Satan! Wonder if telling my therapist that would make her leave the room?

Not that Buzz was much better. Damon is the WORST, but at least he has more of a spine.

I don’t even wanna start the migraine that talking about Tony Stark would give me.

It really does seem like every time I date a guy, it blows up in my face for even trying! Sometimes it feels like I’m destined to die alone!

…

Well, I guess that’s kinda my fault, huh? I could always just. Stop kidding myself? Tell Jen. That I feel something for her.

I mean, who doesn’t have at least a small crush on She-Hulk? It comes free with having any taste at all. Jennifer Walters is the best, and everyone with half a brain knows that.

But what I’m feeling runs a little deeper I think.

Screw it, this is my journal entry that no-one is ever gonna read, I can tell any story I want. So let me drop one that I left out of my biography.

I’ve known I loved other girls since a little after High School. I’ve never told anyone. I’m not sure I’m trying to hide it, exactly. It’s just never came up.

It was on the set of the Patsy Walker show where something happened that would change my life forever. And, as often seems to happen to me, Hedy Wolfe was at the center of it.

One day, before a shoot, me and Hedy were fighting. This is nothing new, it’s perhaps what we do best. But it was getting unusually heated for us. I don’t really remember what the fight was over. It’s hard because of how much I remember what came next.

Hedy told me to shut up, and I told her to make me. She went weirdly quiet for a second, after that. I was gonna make fun of her for it.

And then, she kissed me. And, shocked as I was, I kissed back.

Hedy Wolfe was not my first kiss. She was my first that actually made me feel a spark, though. Before that moment, the thought I could be bisexual hadn’t even crossed my mind. But when she pulled away, all I could think about was how I wanted more. I think she could see it in my eyes, because she gave me a devious look, and said something that would stay in my mind forever.

“Put on a good show today, Walker, and maybe you’ll get a reward. Maybe.”

I put on the best show of my career, that day. It was a cheesy sitcom spin-off of a comic book, it wasn’t high art, but whatever I did, it must have impressed Hedy. The next kiss was longer. Much longer. Completely lost track of time until there was a knock on the dressing room door from my mother because I was taking too long kind of longer. Mom noticed I was really happy that night, but I don’t think she ever learned why. 

Things were suddenly very different on set for me. Hedy and I would sneak away whenever we got a chance. We never went further than our little secret makeout sessions, though we did start getting a little bolder with our hands after a while. It was exciting.

I don’t really know what we were. I want to say we were in love, but I never really knew where she stood when it came to us. She didn’t like to talk about it.

All I knew is that I loved it, and that for that little bit, me and Hedy had stopped really fighting for the first time since ever. We put on a great act for the audience, both on stage and in public, but behind closed doors, it was nothing but pure passion. 

We may have gotten too used to our routine, because one day, towards the end of one of the final shoots of the season, we got careless. We didn’t lock the door to her dressing room, and for the first and last time, we were caught in the middle of our dance together.

Honestly, I think I was kinda hoping we got caught one day. I was okay with it at first, but overtime I started to hate being a secret. Hedy didn’t want me to talk about it to anyone, so I didn’t, but I wouldn’t have minded if someone walked in to find out. Either of our mothers would have taken it well. Mine would have gotten it eventually, and Hedy’s mother was an angel. Any of our school friends on the set would have been perfect, too.

Instead, it was Hedy’s agent, who separated us with urgency, making me leave her dressing room. I had a bad feeling about it, but I hadn’t realized just how bad it was going to be.

When I saw Hedy the next day, I tried to hug her, wanting to ask what happened. She pushed me away, a slightly sad, slightly angry look in her eyes. She told me we could never meet like had been, never again.

As she turned to walk to the set, I tried to stop her. I put my hand on her shoulder, I tried to argue, and she slapped my hand away. Then she said the other set of words that would stick with me forever.

“It was just showbiz, Patsy.”

Hedy went on to tell me she just noticed that when we kissed, I did well on set. So she kept doing it. She said she wasn’t into girls.

A common misconception about me is that I’m stupid. I make stupid choices often, I can miss obvious things sometimes, and hell knows I play it up when I feel like it. But I’m not.

I know Hedy didn’t mean that. I know there was something real there, even if we didn’t know what it was. But it didn’t really matter. Hedy would never tell me what her agent told her. How she really felt. She’ll tell you to this day she is entirely straight. My opinion is that a woman who’s been divorced six times may be kidding herself.

But what was true is that we never did it again. We didn’t talk at all for a while after the show ended. I blew the final episode, I was off my game. I spent about an hour crying in my dressing later. My mom assumed I took the episode hard, I don’t know how I could have ever told her what was really wrong by that point.

In spite of my awful performance in the season finale, we got picked up for another season. But that never happened. Hedy didn’t renew her contract, and much as it was my name on the show, you couldn’t really have a Patsy Walker without a Hedy Wolfe. The show was cancelled.

It would be years before we even talked again, and when we did, it felt like we were back to where we used to be, with a little added hostility. 

Whatever you’d call what I had for Hedy back then, it’s gone. I don’t think we ever would have made it long term, anyways. Too messy, too much history to ignore. But there’s a nostalgia to those days. Sneaking into supply closets for just a minute of each other where no-one could see.

Even that was the closest I’ve ever had to something that felt right for more than a few months. Aside from one thing, anyway. 

Jennifer Walters. She’s been my actual best friend for so long now. Stood by me at my messiest. I don’t know when I fell for her, but I know it hasn’t gone away.

The idea of talking to her about it scares me, though. I don’t even know if she likes women like that. We joke about it a lot, but I wonder if she’s ever realized I mean it a little more directly now than I used to.

I don’t think Jen would stop talking to me if I told her and she didn’t feel the same. But that would mean she didn’t feel the same, and that I’d have to move on. I don’t want that. I got pretty good at keeping secrets about it, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

…

Wait, cheese and crackers, that’s stupid! Maybe I am stupid. Maybe the point of therapy is to realize you’re being stupid. Keeping secrets worked out so bad last time, what am I doing holding onto my feelings?!

I don’t know when, but I’m gonna tell her soon, I think. I don’t know how that’s gonna go. Maybe I should stock up on ice cream, so I can either celebrate with it, or comfort myself with it if it goes bad.

Oh rats, that’s gonna be awkward if she says no and I’m crying about her on her own couch. Bet she’ll even comfort me through it. You see why I feel this way about her!? She’s the best!

Oops. I was only supposed to write a page. I have a lot to think about, so I guess I’m gonna stop writing now.

…how are you supposed to end a therapy journal entry? That feels like a bad ending.

But that’s worse, so I have to think of a better way, now.

…………………………………

If I keep putting dots, it’ll come to me eventually.

………………………………………………

Nope. Nothing. I think I’m just gonna close the diary. Not the best ending, but hey, same can be said for the Patsy Walker show. 

Ugh…

Patsy wakes up, a throbbing pain in her head.

First of all, where is she? Patsy looks around.

Okay, okay, cool. Random rooftop that I have never seen before in my life.

At least she’s still in the city. She knows that awful New York smog anywhere.

As she tries to get up, she quickly discovers a problem.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow-

Patsy’s left leg is…well, maybe not broken? But it hurts a LOT.

Holy moly, that stings. What the hell happened to me…

Patsy tries her best to remember what exactly happened last night. It takes a bit.

Okay, I was out Hellcating, as I do. That’s a given. It’s either that or doing something with Jen most nights. And I encountered a guy robbing a bank. Some animal guy.

Patsy strokes her chin inquisitively, as if she is a philosopher with a long, dramatic beard.

Rhino, maybe? No, he’d have snapped my leg. Who else even is there? I swear there’s like 80 of these guys, but I can never remember them when I’m actually trying.

Patsy is totally blanking. She reaches for her phone.

Cheese and crackers, that’s missing too? That’s no good.

Patsy sighs.

Well, it’s not like I’m going anywhere. Guess I can just like. Name the ones I can think of until something sparks?

Patsy proceeds to name every single supervillain with an animal themed name she can think of.

Dr. Octopus? Owl? Toad? Mandrill? Vulture? Chameleon? Porcupine? Armadillo? Man-Ape? Grizzly? Lizard? Scorpion? Sabretooth? Human Fly? Puma? Squid? Killer Shrike? Walrus? Constrictor? Slug? Iguana? Beetle? Viper? White Rabbit? Frog Man? Rhino? No, already ruled him out. Tarantula? Mongoose? Gazelle? Panda-Mania? Black Ant? Gibbon? Mole Man? Hammerhead? Okay, I’m stretching now, those last two don’t really count. Who else even is there? Do I have to name multiple Beetles?

As Patsy thinks, eventually it clicks.

…I got my ass kicked by the Kangaroo.

Patsy Walker can never tell anyone what happened here tonight. Partially because the embarrassment would kill her, and partially because she was kicked in the head so hard she genuinely doesn’t remember most of it.

Eventually, Patsy is found on the roof by a janitor, who helps her get to the hospital. As it turns out? Leg? Not broken, but very strained. And she has a concussion. Go figure. The doctor looks at her, asking out of pure curiousity:

“Who did you say did this to you, again?”

Patsy looks the doctor dead in the eyes.

Thanos.

Patsy arrives to the bowling alley about 2 minutes late.

For her, this is actually making great time, but it’s still probably not great she was late to her own plans.

The divas? Back. Unfortunately, no-one had heard from Monica recently. But it’s okay. She’s still a diva at heart, and that slot? Filled!

Jennifer Walters is probably Patsy’s favorite person alive. No offense, other every other person she knows, but to be fair, most of them would agree. Jens great, everyone loves Jen.

Patsy had an insatiable desire to go bowling. She is not sure she could tell you why. So when Jen said yes, she booked the whole alley. This was their night, and no-one was gonna ruin it by daring to “get a strike” near them.

Patsy walks into the building to meet up with her fellow divas.

Helloooooo! Are you guys ready to order some night-lunch nachos and knock down some pins?

Patsy notices everyone else aside from her wore sunglasses.

Ah man, did I forget about a dress code I pitched? I didn’t bring any sunglasses.

“You doing anything special for Fathers Day?”

Patsy looks at the cashier, befuddled.

Huh? No, why would I be?

“You certainly don’t have to, ma’am. It’s just Fathers Day, so I’ve been asking people who come down my lane.”

Well, that’s my answer. So let’s get these items rung up so we can both move on. I don’t mean to be pushy, but you kinda stopped scanning entirely. I’ve got perishables and a roommate I promised I’d make dinner for within the next hour.

“May I ask why?”

Why what? I said a lot of stuff there.

The cashier smiles warmly.

“Why your response was “why would I be”. That is an odd response to such a question.”

And that’s an odd thing to ask a stranger! I don’t have to tell you that!

“I won’t continue until you do.”

Excuse me!?

Customers behind Patsy start to chime in.

*“*I’d like to know too!”

“C’mon, tell us!”

“The people need to know!”

Patsy turns around, her face a mix of shock and offense.

I don’t owe you anything! Here, I’ll just-

Patsy tries to reach across the counter for the scanner, but a jolt of pain goes through her hand.

Ow! What the hell!?

The cashier’s smile widens.

“Answer the question, Miss Walker. Or I will answer it for you.”

What kind of-

Patsy snaps her fingers.

Ohhh, I get it. This is a nightmare again! I just gotta tell you off and be unaffected, and I’ll wake up, right?

“No, Miss Walker. It’s not that simple, I’m afraid. Not this time. See, you’re actually in distress, today. So, I ask again, answer the question.”

What’s there to answer!? He wasn’t in my life, end of story. He left my mom when I was young.

“Why?”

What kind of question is that?! I was a kid, how am I supposed to know!?

“But he came back, didn’t he? Once.”

Patsy freezes. She tries not to think about that day.

Yeah, so? He just came back and tried to make me come with him instead of staying with mom.

“He offered you more, didn’t he?”

He said he was a Christian, now. Wanted me to go with him. Get born again, or something.

“And what are the words that have rung through your head ever since?”

…..

Patsy stands in silence. She knows the answer to that question. But she doesn’t wanna repeat it.

“You have perishables, Miss Walker. Wouldn’t want to fail your roommate.”

None of this is real.

“That promise is. You took a nap instead of starting. Wonder how long until you overstay your welcome?”

Crap, right! Let me outta the nightmare already, point made. She’s gonna get off work soon!

“No. You play this my way. Answer my question or she’ll think you’re in a coma.”

…He said it’d get the devil off my shoulder.

“Paraphrasing, but close enough. Why do you think he said that?”

Why do I-

Patsy scoffs.

What am I even supposed to say to that!? That my dad was weird?

“I think you know. You’re a smart girl, Patsy, dumb as most of your choices are.”

Fine. Fine. You want me to say it so bad! I’ll say it!

Patsy grips the counter.

You wanna know why my dad said that?!

The counter starts to crack.

He said it because that’s how he felt!

Patsy’s hands begin to morph, transforming into claws.

My dad saw his little girl as a monster! A demon possessed freak. The reason his marriage fell apart. He thought I was hell bound! That I needed to be fixed, saved.

Patsy’s eyes begin to glow an ominous red.

And maybe he was right to feel that way.

The piece of the counter that Patsy was grabbing onto shatters. She turns back to the people in line. They stare at her, eyes full of fear.

Who the hell do you think you are, huh? You wanted this. You asked for this! Everyone wants a look into ol’ Patsy Walker’s life until they realize there’s a real person behind it. A real person they’d probably hate to know! You wanted to know, and now you hate what you see!? This is me! This is-

Patsy Walker awakens on the couch of Jennifer Walters. It is 6:10 PM. Jen will be home in about 5 minutes. Patsy was supposed to cook. If she gets started now, she can at least pretend she got started.

But she doesn’t. She stares at the ceiling, taking everything in.

Patsy Walker isn’t a big fan of Fathers Day.

Did you hear? Gambit from the X-Men is getting married today! That’s crazy, he and Rogue are finally tying that knot.

I went on a blind date with him once, fun fact. Yeah, Emma Frost and Cyclops set both of us up, it was a blindside and a half! I was open to it, honestly, but he came in already wary of me! Unfair. I mean honestly, I know I have a bit of a rep, and I did get his name wrong a few times, but c’mon! My reputation isn’t that in the drain, is it? Don’t answer that. I don’t want an answer.

I mean he’s handsome, but he’s kinda rude? He was not happy with me like, the entire date. He called me a “nut flush”! Can you believe that? Said something about how I drive everyone around me insane. This feels like an overreaction to the fact I don’t carry cash, and couldn’t place a money bet against him in cards.

Hm, I guess there was also the mermaid from Fiji in a jar I brought? Heaven forbid I assume someone would think a little freak like that was interesting. Plus he’s the one who made our whole table go kaboom and freed it from the jar! I didn’t do that!

Somehow, not the worst first date I’ve ever had.
Least it was fun! He never did take me up on the second one, either. Wonder why?

The Wendy’s employee stares wide-eyed at Patsy.

“Um. That’s great, ma’am, really interesting. Are you going to order something? This is a Wendy’s.”

Patsy Walker sits down at the local pastry shop. She is dressed to the nines, and has an assortment of pastries on a tray in front of her.

What’s the occasion? Only the most important day of the week: Eat Cake In Fancy Dresses Wednesday.

Patsy had been trying to make this happen since her days on the Defenders. Beast, Valkyrie, Silver Surfer, surprisingly? They were all down. A lot of her other teammates were harder sells, though. Namor was particularly harsh about the idea.

Only one person had ever genuinely gone through with it, though. Her best friend in the entire world, Jennifer Walters.

Jen, unlike anyone else, was willing to actually participate in the idea, outside of just saying it sounded fun. She was really good at keeping up with Patsy’s energy. And Patsy has a LOT of energy.

The two women got busy, and Patsy moving away for a while put a temporary stop to these meet-ups. No more! The tradition begins again today!

So now, Patsy eagerly awaits the arrival of Shulkie.