u/shewaseverythingBPD

I am sick of the push pull. I am sick of being optional. I am sick of the gaslighting. I am sick of the deflection. I am sick of the false narratives and twisting of everything I say. I am sick of the splitting. I am sick of being left for days while she does god knows what. I am sick of being an option to somebody I treat like they are everything. I am sick of my life feeling like a fight. I am sick of walking in eggshells.

I want to hate her, but I can’t.

I am so angry with myself.

Apologies if this post is a bit all over the place, my brain is not working at all due to stress.

Currently in a weird semi no contact situation which happened out of nowhere. I made the mistake of talking about something that I was concerned with, and it has not gone over well. They feel I was insensitive to how they feel when I brought it up and since then have been splitting on me.

Usually when they split, they are nasty but continue contacting me by any means necessary, and eventually I will get a bunch of “sorry” spam. But this time it is cold, they haven’t even bothered to respond to my last messages and a few minutes into our last conversation they just disappeared. It’s been about a couple days without contact now which is very out of character. They’re much, much angrier than normal.

Essentially I feel I know what’s happening based on our history, seeing the same behaviours and patterns that happened once before, and I think there is a new supply in the picture. The thing is, is that I really need to know it in order to be able to let go.

I feel like at the moment there is next to zero chance they tell me honestly what is wrong, and at the moment they are doing their best to paint me black in order to avoid the shame of what they are doing behind my back.

My question for you all is have any of you been in this situation and had them tell you the truth or do they split and ghost? If you got the truth, how did you get it?

I am really struggling to just exist right now, I feel physically ill. I can’t sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. I can’t really eat anything. I’m a complete shaky wreck. I have nobody to talk to about this.

If you read all this, thank you

Does anybody else feel like the moment you try to stick to a boundary or call them out on their behaviour they start retreating, issue sarcastic apologies and lose all interest in you?

All the screaming, “passion”, fighting and trying to contact you more or less dies the moment you try and stick to the truth.

The largest discards for me came from the times in which I stood my ground.

Swapping to “I’m a monster” “I’m the worst” “don’t worry about me” “I won’t bother you anymore” instead of actually taking ownership of issues and trying to do better.

Incredibly frustrating.

Not even sure why I am posting, I think it’s just to vent. I have spent the entire relationship trying to get them to learn accountability and show some appreciation for the sheer amount of support I’ve provided, and I’ve gotten absolutely nowhere.

As time goes on I honestly think it’s gone in the other direction. For a few months they were kind and supportive. That was gone not long into the relationship and I’ve been wondering ever since how it was possible then but so far away now. It doesn’t even seem to be on the table at all now

Now not only are they not accountable for their own actions and words, but they also twist mine. I think this has been the hardest pill to swallow alongside the lies, abuse, cheating and broken promises. It literally doesn’t matter what i say to them, because how they feel overwrites it. Even when faced with a literal screenshot of it, they still won’t accept it, and to point out anything makes them close off emotionally.

I know after all this I’ll be the villain in the story, and every single thing I did to help won’t matter at all. There’s no amount of support, care or sacrifices that will ever be enough