u/shiningjustfory0u_13

tw for detail bc im telling the full story

I just have completed mixed emotions about all of this and im sorry if this is all over the place but basically when I (f19) was 11 I met a friend and we became friends very quickly and we would have sleepovers at eachothers places a lot, but she would mainly want to stay at my house (this is a key detail) and pretty early on into our friendship she began to make a lot of sexual jokes and references and we eventually started doing things together like watching porn and trying sex positions with eachother with our clothes on and it wasnt long before we started to actually touch and take our clothes off. we lived very close and we were together almost every day so this was happening every time we saw eachother. it was very intense and it was the only thing wed do and talk about. it wasnt just happening at our houses either, we would do stuff in public places and around people too. there was one instance where we did stuff on a bus. after a few months we were having sex and we would watch porn together to learn new things. we filmed a video of ourselves and im not sure what happened to it. it eventually stopped because of covid and we lost touch for months and then never did anything after that. a few years ago I found out that her dad was arrested for molesting her since she was 4 and I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. I feel like I was sa'd by her but at the same time im a few months older so should I have been more aware and stopped it but now I know what her dad did I feel sorry for her and I knkw that maybe she thought it was normal or something and I feel disgusted at obviously her dad for doing that but also myself because I didnt feel like a victim at the time and most of the times we were with eachother i also wanted it. I just dont know how to feel or if I was even SA'd and if my feelings are valid.

thank you for reading. sorry if this is the wrong place.

idk if this is the right place for this but I need to get it off my chest.

when I was 12 I had a friend who was a year younger than me and we were like inseparable, best friends and we would hang out every day and at one point she initiated us touching eachother which then progressed to about a year and a bit of us experimenting with eachother and it eventually became line genuinely just us having sex. I never felt forced into it but I also never remember being the one who initiated anything. this would pretty much happen everyday and she would beg to have sleepovers a lot and it was always at my house and never at hers, which she would say was because of her siblings being annoying.

when the pandemic started we obviously couldnt hang out anymore and I had my social medias taken away (separate thing not related) so we lost touch and when we went back to school we didnt really see eachother.

anyway, a few years ago her dad was arrested because he had been molesting her since she was 4yo, which litteraly explains everything like why she new so much about sex and stuff and also why she always wanted to stay the night. I am eaten alive by the fact that I didnt notice or that anyone didnt notice and whenever I see her now if we bump into eachother put in public its always awkward and I cant help but wonder if she holds it against me.