u/shreklaw2024

My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 1.5 years. I’ve fallen very deeply in love with him, and for the past couple of months I’ve been staying at his place about 5 days a week, so it has felt like we were essentially living together.

Since our first date, we have been inseparable that for the past couple months I have been staying at his for 5 days a week and it practically felt like we lived together.

However, our relationship was never easy. My boyfriend is very closed off and not emotionally aware. He lacks the ability to display/share emotions. This is also his first adult relationship. We’re both 26 so there were a lot of arguments having to do with miscommunication, lack of understand, and just overall communication style.

Nevertheless, he makes me happy for the most part, just had to learn a lot on how to make me feel emotionally safe.

Another thing about him is that he emotionally shuts down when overwhelmed. So we actually almost broke up back in January but decided to give it a break. We both were honest on our issues and what we needed to fix and made things work and I was genuinely very happy for the past couple months. However, we went on a trip and he injured his knee and has been incapable of doing things and I’ve been at his side for the most of it. This has been exhausting. Very emotionally exhausting and I don’t feel very appreciated but I understand he’s frustrated and going through a lot. He also just lost a family member.

To preface, we got into a very emotional argument two weekends ago because he felt like I was ignoring him (I was not) amongst other things and I felt hurt because I have been there for him in every aspect of the way. We tried talking about it, he shut down, and basically told me to go home. To me, this shook my stability of calling his place a second home and it just gave me a huge reality check. I voiced this and told him I just needed some space. He has been really hurt by me taking space and afraid that he was losing me and I was going to break up with him despite me sharing that that was not the case and I just needed to regulate myself.

Anyways, he texts me the next day some emotional words that sparked trauma from the January break and I automatically assumed he was going to break up with me and I automatically shut down and just accept it. He comes over the next day to speak about it and breaks up with me in person and for the first half of the conversation I’m emotionally numb and just accepting it, until something clicks and I’m like this isn’t right, he’s not in the right state of mind. It was a complete switch up to everything he and shared the prior week. He told me that he feels a lot of pressure and he doesn’t treat me right and I deserve better and that maybe if I was the one he wouldn’t have shut down and told me to go home amongst other things and that he’s always had a high probability that we’d work out (he’s very analytical) but has never been 100% certain and started spiraling on things his dad said about a person being the one if you always want to be next to them or other examples like that.

And I don’t want to break up at this point anymore because it’s not right and I think he’s entered into a spiral and is confused and keeps saying he might regret it but he’s emotionally not there, etc., but I’m also aware that I went from being numb to it to out of nowhere showing emotion.

At the end of this, he told me maybe I was right and we should just take some space (what I had asked earlier during the week). I then asked him if he felt no love when looking at my face and he said at the moment not much (which is something I had previously told him), so I left. I don’t know where we stand. I love him so much but I am aware that I don’t help the situation with my communication. My family who knows me best says I handled the situation extremely poorly which caused him to get confused, feel rejected, etc, not good enough, but I also felt rejected due to his lack of vulnerability.

I feel like he still loves me, but I’m not sure what’s actually happening for him emotionally.

I don’t know how to proceed. Whether this is worth fighting for or just let it go. Is there such a thing as the “one”? I’ve had so many doubts throughout this relationship but one thing that I’ve always been sure of is how much I love that boy and how I’m willing to fight for him.

I don’t know how to be better. I don’t know how to understand each other. I don’t know if we’re broken up. I don’t know if we’ll get back together.

I’ve always said I’ve been so lucky to experience such a love like his, but all the miscommunication is exhausting. I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for him but I also don’t want to beg to be chosen.

He has ADHD and tends to shut down emotionally when overwhelmed.

I just need advice. I don’t want to hear how I deserve better or etc because I have my own red flags too and I add fuel to the situation. I am and have also been extremely selfish here. But I do want general advice on how to move forward or any similar stories that may help soothe my brain. I keep telling myself if it’s meant to be it will be but it’s not helping as much as I’d like it.

I’m mainly trying to understand whether this looks like a breakup, a temporary shutdown, or a fundamental incompatibility. Can you work through incompatibilities if it is one? Is there such a thing as “the one?”

Should I just give up and call this quits and essentially move on? Any advice is appreciated.