i don’t think i’ll ever like my recovered body
title says it all.
i’ve been dealing with ana for so many years now. i’ve been stuck in this weird semi recovery thing for years before fully relapsing last year. i’ve been trying to recover for a weeks and have also been in a treatment center for a while. and i’ve gained a significant amount of weight and my body has changed a lot.
none of my jeans fit me which makes me go crazy because i genuinely do not have the money to buy new clothes and i really really liked those pairs of jeans.
but the worst is the feeling. feeling bloated, heavy, large.
i just look so wide. i’ve been trying to work on body neutrality but im really sure that i’ll actually never be happy in this body.
i can’t imagine ever being happy if im not skinny.
i hated my life while i was underweight yeah that’s true but at least my weight and how i looked like was not a worry of mine.
now i keep obsessing over if i have gained weight, if my body changed. all. the. fucking. time. every minute of every day i am so aware of my body and how it feels. i’m so fucking scared that i’ll just keep gaining and gaining because everytime i look in the mirror i see myself larger everytime, i already struggle accepting the weight i can’t imagine how it’ll be if i gain even more. i’m so tired. i want my sick body back. i want to feel safe. i want to feel beautiful again. i’m so tired of fighting.