I feel jealousy and envy that literally cripples me
i really want to know if anyone else feels this way. im a really really insecure person and also overly conscious of myself at all times (to the point of overanalysing my walk, how my mouth moves when im talking, literally everything). and its so so tiring.
even worse than this is how often i feel jealous of people. any random woman i'll see whos conventionally attractive and suddenly my entire existence would be threatened. it feels like a full body reaction.
recently my career anxiety has been really high. im in college and its the time everyone is looking for internships/ preparing for them. its literally cut throat competition in tech here. i see people getting the opportunities i want and it feels so bad. i know its such a lost case of just "work harder then" and i will, but when i feel this wave of jealousy, my body just gives up and i cant even get out of bed. or if im out somewhere and walking it feels like my legs have given up and i need to sit down, my breathing and heart rate go haywire. how i can study when this is all i feel in my body 😭😭 and if i try to help myself by consoling or using any dbt techniques, it just feels like i'm taking myself away from something i deserve. i deserve to feel horrible about not reaching my goals. when i know how hard this past year has been for me - lost a loved one who was very close to me, my bpd got the worst it has ever been and i was in a intense but very unstable relationship (not to mention we literally decided to breakup today and i feel heartbroken), friendships were just an absolute mess. and to top it all off ive been very suicidal.
idk, with everything, maybe i just wanted that career and academics could be something i could control if my relationships with people are completely ruined. but even that feels hopeless. i feel tired of trying and failing everywhere.
i want to discuss all this with my therapist (not the suicidal part i guess), but i can only see her next week. idk how to make it through a whole week. i really want to hear you guys' experiences and maybe things that helped you. comparison, jealousy, envy - in any facet of life, please share whatever you can. i want to feel less alone.
