u/silver_angel_hunter

My life is hell right now, I’ve never wanted to shut down my brain this badly. This overwhelming urge to take absurd amount of drugs is taking over me. I want to lose control. I don’t want to decide anything or do anything anymore. I don’t want to see people or talk to them anymore. I don’t give a damn anymore, whether they talk to me, yell at me, or hurt me, there is no fucking sense to keep going, I just want to screw everything up.

I was feeling extremely depressed. I was in tears writing long messages to my closest friend, telling her how I felt, only to regret it so much the next day. Since then, I’ve written a lot on my book, but then the inspiration dried up after a day or two i don’t remember, and I decided I needed to buy a new computer out of nowhere and i got obssessed with this, even called my dad for advices, thank god he told me to slow down so i didnt spend 700€. No, i spend 200€ in restaurant and groceries instead. Everything felt like an emergency, it’s as if my vision is narrowing and my retinas are burning, an inner tension that keeps me from sleeping. Also felt hypersexual. And now, for the past two hours, I’ve been crying again on and off, and I feel miserable.

I feel so out of sorts, my thoughts are so fleeting that I don’t feel like I’m the one having them. My surroundings feel strange, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’ve done things over the last two days that I don’t understand, or that are just so out of place for the context of my life.

And I should point out that it was an unhealthy restlessness, nothing pleasant about it. There was no boost in self-confidence or sense of well-being like the kind one sometimes feels during hypomania.

I can’t take it anymore, I fight every day, I take my medication, and yet I’ve never wanted to throw it all away this much.

My brother has schizophrenia and is currently experiencing a psychotic episode. He’s completely traumatized by his last hospitalization, and my parents refuse to sign off on involuntary commitment, which is understandable given what happened during his last stay, it would just hurt him so much and traumatize him even more. So emergencies wont take him since my brother will never agree to climb in a car, he will do anything to not go back to a hospital.

We’re both at my parents house, and being close to him is so painful for me. I love my brother, and it’s like watching him being tortured right before my eyes during his most psychotic moments.

I’m on medication and I’m mostly stable, but these events are affecting me way too much and pushing me into a depressive state where I just want everything to stop, I want silence, I want peace. I’m so desperate. My brother is suffering, my parents are exhausted, and our options are so limited…

Lately, I’ve been feeling nostalgic for a very dark period in my life, a time I’d absolutely hate to relive and yet I have this strange sense of nostalgia. It’s as if I’d like to reconnect with a version of myself from that time.

I know it’s deeply unhealthy, this feeling drags me down and makes me feel miserable today.

At the time, I wasn’t on any medication, but I am now, perhaps there’s a connection. Today I feel as though I’m not quite myself, even though my life is much more stable.

Does this happen to you too?

I’m completely lost, today i’m back at my parent’s house, I had to leave my current appartment due to money issues. Back at the place where i had some of my worst depressions, substances abuse and complete lethargy.

I already have intrusive thoughts about substance abuse and im so scared of drowning back into depression, which is probably going to happen because i had more than a week full of energy.

I do take my meds, i’m just scared this time it will not handle the crash out.

I feel empty, useless, i’ve done nothing in my life that made me happy, i hate myself and i don’t know what to do.

Damn it, what don’t they get? It’s not about ego! do they think I’m desperate to feel special?

Few months ago, I’ve tried to kill myself, but apparently my behavior still looks like that of a stable person.

Every day I wish I could lead a stable life, yet every day I’m told that what I’m going through is “what everyone goes through.”

I’m tired of people looking down on me as if I weren’t aware of my own condition. I’ve lived with this shit my whole fucking life, so at least acknowledge my experience with bipolar disorder.

“You shouldn’t blame everything on bipolar disorder.” “Not everything is because of your treatment.” But damn it, I’ve NEVER identified with my bipolar disorder, it’s just part of me, and sometimes, yes, it’s also about the disorder.

No matter what I say, it’s never good enough.

They can all go to hell

I’m a pretty creative person, recently realized that subjects related to art and especially the discovery of a whole new universe, art technic or aesthetic is the most hypomaniac trigger for me.

Those discoveries gets me in this form of unhealthy creativity and or this urge of knowledge accumulation about the subject, where i feel that i have to know everything and there is also this kind of anxiety of missing some knowledge, this state will keep me awake and make me lose touch with time. I will get absolutely obsessive.

Then i will get creative about what i newly discovered and start a bunch of creation that i will never finish.

Also during this process, my new discoveries which can be art, artists, movies, anime, books or whatever, will feel like a whole fucking new dimension which i entered. Like my mind is litterally expanding, i will also feel guilty about not discovering them earlier, and have this anxiety again that i missed something that was there all the time but didn’t notice it earlier.

I don’t know if that make sense, but one of my struggle with bp is that, as someone pretty creative who’s only passion is about creating something, i can never finish what i start. Which is extremely frustrating.

Sorry for the wall and thanks for reading