I don't know what to do anymore
Hi, my favorite person (21F) and I (18F) have been no contact for about two months, after I finally found the strength to try to quit our deeply toxic friendship for good. Everyone told me it would be hard at first but slowly get better and I would forget about her soon, but I feel like my feelings are just frozen in time and it's like I last saw her yesterday. I think about her just as much as I did before. And I still split somehow, even with no external stimuli from her to start the spiral. At times I've gotten so angry that I almost texted her that I hate her out of the blue, but I know that wouldn't give me any satisfaction as she would just block me and I would feel crazy.
I miss her so so much but I also know that I just miss the idea of her and if I ever actually went back it would be a living hell like it was before. I'm just so sad all the time, like I'm mourning the three or four years of my teenagehood that I spent trying to build my life in a way that she would find appealing and attractive. I'm on a high dose of antidepressants, but they seem to do nothing to me and I am still able to cry all the time. I've had seven different therapists, including DBT, but they all annoyed me so much and I dreaded appointments. I have many interests, but I'm often too sad to indulge in them. I used to read a lot, but now it seems pointless since I was really just reading to seem more educated to her, I think. Perhaps not only because of that, though. My friends provide little comfort. I feel like I've tried everything. What now?