u/skinnahbox

I find that this subreddit has a clear lean towards relapse posts and descriptions of people really struggling, which obviously is natural and alright. I do miss the success stories, though, and maybe the people who's got a handle on this addiction, with long streaks, forget about reporting their experience. Success stories are very motivational, I think, and they've been a big help for me in my recovery. But it'd be nice if more people wrote them. I think it's also good to write success stories for the one who's writing it, because it reminds them of the journey they've done and might prevent complacency.

Reading about relapses and talking about relapses might paradoxically put the thought of relapse into your mind. We walk where we look, so to speak. So if we're constantly talking about how difficult this is, it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not saying that it's easy, not at all, I'm just saying that perspective is important.

I'll make sure to write one when I hit 30 days in a day or two, to contribute.

Stay on the right path, friends! Much respect.

I'm 20-something days clean and this is usually when I start to feel more emotions and think clearer thoughts, as if I'm for the first time actually able to see myself and the world I live in. But that also makes me hurt and feel sad, because my life isn't what I'd like it to be. I feel afraid and hesitant, I rarely go out of my comfort zone, I take the easy way most of the time. This makes my life quite boring and uninteresting. When I'm pornfree for longer periods of time, like right now, I really start to see that, and that makes me sad and a bit depressed. And that increases the urges I feel, because I use porn for numbing this out.

When I view porn and also during the days afterwards, maybe even weeks afterwards, I feel complacent, aloof, uninterested, and I kinda don't even care about my life. I also don't feel sad or down - just numb. And it's quite easy going around in life being numb, but it's no way to live, it's not what the human experience is about. When I'm pornfree for around a month, like now, I start to wake up again, though, and that can hurt like hell. Because all of those numb days has taken me absolutely nowhere, and waking up to that reality is like a gut-punch. That's oftentimes exactly why I relapse: the pain becomes too much. I have dozens of 20-40 day streaks, a lot of them, but I have a hard time going further, I have done it but not that many times.

If I'm going to break free for good I have to learn to face and accepts these difficult feelings that will arise. Feeling soul-crushing loneliness, guilt and anxiety. Loneliness can work as a motivative force if I'm able to bear it. For me, sobriety is about learning to be human, learning to feel emotions and deal with them maturely. Learning to form real connections with people, feel love, open up to life and other people. It's the most difficult thing I've ever tried to do, but at the end of the day, it's worth it. At my deathbed, I want to be able to know that I overcame this addiction and learned to be a human being.

After 15 days pornfree I relapsed. I'm off work for summer vacation and I struggle a lot with having so much free time. It was a real accomplishment that I managed to stay clean 15 days during this vacation. I have relapsed 3 times in july unfortunately. More than I usually do in a month. I'm longing for august and getting back to my routines again.

I want to write a success story, a 30, 60 or 90 day pornfree report. Not these dumb relapse posts... Ugh. Day 1 yet again.

What the title said - I relapsed twice today, unfortunately, after being free for 16 days. I got triggered after using a dating app. That has happened before but I managed to convince myself that I could use it. I obviously can't. It's very clear that being pornfree require sacrifices. I didn't accept that fact today and got triggered. Now I'm in the post-relapse state again. I relapsed twice to porn. A part of me wants to continue the binge, but I'm not going to fuck it up even more.

I wanted to make a post here to be accountable. I need to re-group and find a new way to be free.

For me, the post-relapse state last several days, almost a full week. I'm five days clean now and I'm slowly but surely starting to feel like myself again, but I felt a bunch of withdrawals today - anger and restlessness. This week has been frustrating; my social anxiety has increased, I've felt irritated and frustrated, I haven't felt interest in socializing with friends and colleageus, and my focus on work has been lousy.

Therefore, a relapse doesn't just feel bad immediately after, or during the same day, no, the consequences spread to several days afterwards. I honestly start to feel genuinely like myself again after about three weeks, almost a month free. I find it important to remind myself of this. It's not "just" a relapse, it's not "just" a binge - the cost-benefit analysis is heavily tilted towards the cost side. And this is not sustainable. My life is too precious to be caught up in the post-relapse state, the withdrawals and whatnot. I have a bunch of responsibilities I need to show up to. I don't want to show up feeling anxious, dopamine-hungover, uninterested, and objectifying people. Fuck sake.

I know that it's important not to dwell too much on a relapse, but holy fuck, I hate them. I hate them so much. The time I have wasted is staggering. When I'm 30+ days free I finally start to feel good again - I pursue my work with vigor and passion, I long to make connections with friends and aquaintances, family, I start to feel fucking alive. Porn kills all of that. AND I DON'T HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR IT. I usually relapse around the 20-40 days mark. I don't know how many times I've done that these last couple of years, it must be dozens. I'm sick of it. Just when I start to come alive and reap the benefits, I relapse. It's insanity.

I want to experience the benefits for months and years. I want to quit it for good. I don't want to be caught up in this loop of abstinence, relapse, withdrawals, and so on. It's exhausting. I feel exhausted. And angry. I need this to stick this time. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANOTHER RELAPSE. One fucking day at a time.

I'd much rather write a success story, but that's not where I'm at right now. I stayed up all night, literally, edging to pictures and videos, letting myself down yet another time. I was closing in on one month free I think. I was starting to feel like myself again; way more social, curious, happy, interested, patient, and so forth.

Yesterday was a lot of festivities around in my city and I had no plans, I was alone all day. My relapses most of the time happen because of loneliness. It's difficult to bear sometimes. Porn numbs that out quite successfully but obviously also artificially and illusory. The loneliness doesn't go away, it's still there, even if I don't experience it as strongly. My aspiration is to live in reality, no matter how tough it may be. Yesterday I didn't do that.

I had also started to push the boundary on what I allowed myself to watch, something I often do before I relapse. Accepting riskier and riskier content. It's so stupid, all of it. This feels like self-harm in a lot of ways. I stayed up all night neglecting sleep and food, sitting in a hunched over position, looking at all of those people whom doesn't know me and never will. They don't care about me and they sure as hell wouldn't help me with my loneliness. It's all an illusion and that's what makes it so insane.

I feel like such an idiot right now. The streak had felt good and I was aiming towards being clean all of june and then july and then august, having a fully pornfree summer. But the loneliness becomes too much. If I'm going to succeed with the remainder of the summer, I have to hang out with people on a regular basis and form connections. They say that the opposite of addiction is connection and I think that's true. I couldn't bear the loneliness last night so I numbed myself. Now I yet again have to pay the price. I have been through these post-relapse states countless times by now. It's exhausting having to pick yourself back up and face the withdrawals yet another time. I know It'll be a few worse days coming up now. I really don't have time for that.

As the title of this post says, a part of me do want to look another time, "get it while the getting is good", the thought of "fuck it, I've already fucked up", and so on. But today is today, right now is right now. And the goal is to be free right now. Writing this helps me a little with regaining my composure and getting back on track. It's no use being angry with yourself and falling into self-hate. That will just spiral into more porn use. I know how it goes. I can try to be compassionate with myself; I'm lonely and that hurts and I use porn to numb myself. It's not easy, but at least I'm trying. I was almost 30 days pornfree. That's good. And it is possible for me to be free for the rest of summer. I can give that to myself as an act of kindness.

It's so obvious that relapsing is never worth it. But I lose track of that insight on longer streaks. I forget about the pain relapsing brings. But this sure is painful. The thing is, though, that you can't just remove porn from your life and not change anything else. You have to build a life where porn isn't needed. I have done that in certain regards: I take care of myself health-wise, I work out, I eat clean and healthy, I have picked up hobbies and I focus a lot on my work. But the big piece of the puzzle that's missing is the social connections. I'm lonely way too much of the time, I don't have a partner, and many of my friends have moved to other cities, and they are having children and getting married. I'm still stuck. I need to change this. Otherwise being pornfree will be incredibly difficult - which it's proven to be these last couple of years. The thing is, though, that no one will make this change for myself, no one will help me with this, I have to take care of it myself, and that's what's so difficult for me. I know that I have to, though. There's no other way. I don't want to throw my life away like this.