Been on it 1 1/2 years now and it first it helped but now i have really dark thoughts that i didnt used to have. anyone had any luck switching? or maybe i have to up my dose ? im on 50mg currently. mental health is just so annoying because now i feel hopeless like nothings gonna work ever and im going to die feeling like this (sorry for being a downer :(
Hi, I'm 21/F and I've been together with my boyfriend for about a year now. It's my first relationship and honestly, I'm sabotaging it insanely. I'm so, so, so, so, so depressed in it, as well as making my partner's life harder.
I have OCD, anxiety, and I guess depressive tendencies. Since we've been together, I've been genuinely depressed. I ruminate about him wanting other girls, cheating, about his past, and everything you wouldn't want to think about, and it's getting more extreme every day. We're fighting so much and I understand him completely. I understand his tiredness and fatigue of me so much, but the more he gets tired, the more I get scared, and it's just a loop of hell.
I'm on 50mg of Prozac, but I haven't really properly been to therapy for about 3–4 years now. My OCD used to latch onto other things, but now, because this is the first time I really love someone, it's been latching onto him and it's making our lives miserable. I don't want to break up because he's a good man and I love him, and he doesn't want to either because he loves me too. But he eventually will if I don't stop, and even if he doesn't, I probably will because I can't keep living with these thoughts anymore.
It's the smallest things that trigger me: his following list, his likes, him going somewhere, his eyes on someone when we're walking together... I don't know, everything. And he isn't perfect, he definitely did stupid stuff (like in our talking stage, he sent me TikToks of blondes by accident), but I am also super sick, I know that. I feel so, so, so, so, so, so awful because he's having such a hard time and I'm being an awful girlfriend, but my emotional regulation is so messed up.
When, like today, I think about his past hookups or his ex (literally the fact that he has an ex makes me want to kms), I get genuinely nauseous, like, I'm about to throw up, and I think about it for the next four hours and i cant get anything done, no uni, no social life, nothing. It's hell, and obviously, with rumination like that, it was clear that I'd eventually fall into a depressive hole. I don't know, the 50mg of Prozac is kind of helping, I guess it's better than before, but I don't know man. I drink like every other weekend to numb the pain, and I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.
The jealousy, retroactive jealousy, and the fear of losing him IS making me lose him, but I can't ever see a world right now where I feel okay? I feel like I will always feel this way. How am I ever supposed to think about other girls he's been with and not feel this way? I have a past too and I know it's so unfair, but my mind is genuinely twisted, and for his sake and my life's sake, I need to change something.
But I truly am just so, so, so lost. If anyone has ANY idea how to cope and how to get out of this pattern—because I've been kind of like this even before him; I was super depressed about another guy for a year before him—please let me know. Because otherwise, the only option is genuinely a lobotomy.
My life is also PERFECT. I have a wonderful family, friends, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have every freedom and choice in the world, and I just want to curl up in my bed all day and die. It gets to a point where there are days I literally cannot talk to him, even though I want to obviously, but because I get so triggered and ruminate about these things. I'm literally everything I never wanted to be: an ungrateful, emotionally dependent woman. With every message, tone, and look, he rules my days. I'm not in the present, and I don't enjoy this one precious life I have. And with every year my hope for improvement vanishes more.