did anyone else see that man g00ning at the bus stop right outside mac childrens hospital. It was at like 12:40 pm and he was sitting inside the bus stop thingy, he was g00ning for so long. Idk if this is offensive to mention but I think he had down syndrome
I don't really know what the purpose of this post is maybe it's my only way of expressing my bottled up emotions. But I feel like this whole goal has drained me. I don't even know who I am sometimes and what the purpose of life even is either. At the same time though I feel like if I had support I would stop losing motivation. But I come from such a dysfunctional family, where everyone has so many problems and all of them have to be solved by me. Even in terms of my siblings I have to be perfect because they aren't. And the thing is that I am intelligent but even the smartest person can't do everything alone. I don't know how to stay focused because my stress gets to such an extreme and I start distracting myself to feel better. There is nothing in this world I want to be other than a doctor, but this demeaning path to becoming one is killing my soul. It feels like every grade, every slip-up, every single fault I have becomes the reason I can't make it. I'm constantly living in a state of survival and doubt because I don't know if I'll make it. The uncertainty kills me, but remembering everywhere I went wrong also kills me. I don't know how to accept myself even when I fail how do I accept myself for who I am?
There are times I learn to accept myself but then my motivation it continues to die. Am I alone? Am I the only one struggling so hard mentally. The fact that everybody will know and judge me if I fail makes it even harder. Not to mention constantly feeling like time is slipping away. But let's say I truly failed I don't want to look back in 20 years and think the only reason I couldn't become a doctor was because i wasn't willing to try again just to save a few years? There's so many things and emotions all at once sometimes I feel like my head will explode. When I try to sit with my family I can't even explain to them the help I need. I don't even know. I just need help. Maybe I need them to wake me up to study maybe I need them to give me advice maybe I need them to give me grace. I told my mother to please stop telling me about your pain whenever i sit with you because only this time in my life can my brain not handle it. I can't listen to your problems and I don't want to tell you mine because you don't know how to help me and I dont want you to worry for me. What am I even supposed to do? Who do i talk to? How do I perservere?
I don't want to waste my potential because of external factors.. I know I'll regret it forever. But whenever i try anything i feel like there's a blockade in my way..