I just don’t know what to do anymore.
My PMS is insanely awful. It’s so bad, sometimes I think I might have PMDD. I’ve never been formally diagnosed but something is very wrong and I’m finally trying to get to the bottom of it because I can’t go on like this anymore. I feel like I’m not living because 1/3 of my month is lost to this. I’m 36 and I can’t form strong relationships- very few friends, I can’t date, my bosses are confused about my performance and how drastically it swings.
I have an appointment with an OBGYN that specializes in this coming up in August, I made the appointment back in January and that was the first available :( But then I got a message from my hospital that my PCP could see me this week, as opposed to in October at my regular check up, so I jumped on it and took the appointment, so ready for her to see me in this state and to just explain everything and see if she can get me started with anything.
One of the issues during PMS and even the ~35 hours of my period (which is right now) is just this unreal brain fog. I feel almost drunk for about 5 straight days. I swear my IQ drops and my brain just doesn’t work. For example, a couple months ago I subbed in an orchestra. I’m a semi-professional musician that has been playing since I was a toddler, in orchestras for 25 years since elementary school. I have my degree in this. I learned to read music before I learned to read English. I KNOW what I am doing. My first sit in with this orchestra came about the day before my period started. The practice journal where I jot down my notes to take home are insane. It’s all frantic scribbles, ex. “figure out what’s happening at rehearsal 5, is it suddenly in 4????” or “review measures 150-160, why doesn’t it fit in with the second violins???????”, etc. A few days later I go to practice at home and it’s like, I just wasn’t reading the music? Just missing time and key signature changes? I wish I knew how to make this example make more sense. But it’s so eye opening for me to see HOW fried my brain gets at the height of PMS.
Anyway, back to the doctor appointment that I was so ready for. I MISSED IT. I missed it. It was scheduled for June 23rd at 1:45, and they send me an automated text saying “your appointment has been rescheduled for June 23rd at 2:00.” Somehow, my brain twisted that into the following day at 2:00. I don’t know why… I genuinely just cannot explain how bad my reading comprehension gets, I’m not this dumb! I was SO upset when I thought it was moved a day later. But it’s the first day of my period so I’m in a ton of pain and I had the day off work so I took the day to just relax and I figured that was at least the positive. Right now I’m nearing the end of that first 36 hour window after my period starts, and it just occurred to me. The appointment was still today. Just moved 15 minutes. I’m so upset. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know how to call my doctor’s office and explain this??? This is directly related to why I wanted to talk to her. I told my mom all about this appointment and she so strict and wants me to get to the bottom of this and I don’t know what to tell her, I’m considering coming up with a lie about how the appointment went. I can’t deal with the shame of telling her I missed it. I feel like such a failure of an adult when these dumb oversights happen, they make me such a pain to deal with and I’m trying so hard. I have no excuse other than my I just couldn’t see through the brain fog. I’m so embarrassed. I wish they didn’t send that stupid automated message. My brain was weak and it confused me, if I still thought the appointment was today at 1:45 I still would’ve been on time for 2:00. I don’t know how to reach out to my doctor or what to do. And now who knows if I can even keep my original appointment slow in October. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know why I’m her venting. I know no one will read this. I just am screaming into the void.