I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I noticed that I can’t love anymore. I noticed that I can’t trust anymore, and I noticed that I cannot be loyal to anyone anymore. Every time I think that I’m healed I get the same dream about my ex. It’s funny to think that like, I thought that those boys that treated women like shit because of one little like break up was dumb but here I am doing the same thing. I had dated this boy when I was 16 years old going on to 17. One point I had gotten kicked out and he asked his parents to let me move in with him. We were super toxic. He would always cheat on me and I didn’t understand why, but I still love him no matter what… I cheated on him too, but it was more like to get back at him for cheating on me. And obviously it didn’t help anything I think if anything it just made it worse, I eventually started to like really lash out and I did hit him a few times and I of course always regret it even to this day. We were together for almost 3 years, and I was living with him for almost 3 years. And one day out of nowhere he just wanted to break up with me and I didn’t understand why cause he never told me why he just said that he didn’t love me anymore. And ever since Ive been so heartbroken. It’s been almost 4 to 5 years since we broke up. And yeah, I still think about him and I still want him. I feel like that was the most deepest connection I’ve ever had to someone. And there’s probably seems so crazy but after I break up, I was so obsessed with him I would literally stalk his page all the time… one time I even showed up to his house unannounced. I would try to dress and look like the girls he was talking to just to see if he would like me back. I would be lying if I said that he never reached out. He definitely did after our break up and I didn’t understand why he would reach out cause I thought he was just done with me, especially considering the fact that after our break up he wanted to go no contact and it was like super hard for me. Anyways, the point of this is that I found that I cannot be in a relationship with anyone due to the fact that I simply cannot love them and I can’t be loyal and I feel bad because I want to love again and I like the feeling and having the idea of someone loving me back and not leaving me but I know in the back of my head, I still want him. I don’t know what to do anymore. And I’ve already tried therapy and medication. Is it just cause I haven’t found the right one? Or am I gonna be permanently damaged?