12yo stepdaughter is selfish and entitled, wife won’t enforce boundaries — how do I handle this?
My wife’s 12-year-old daughter and I have always had a rocky relationship. I do a lot for her — plane tickets, driving her to cheer, buying things — but she treats me like a second-class citizen. She’s happy to take but refuses to share anything with me.
Two quick examples from the last two days:
• I gave my biological daughter a Clif Bar. Stepdaughter got upset, said they were “her” bars and she only had two left. I told her I’d buy more tomorrow but she just kept complaining.
• Today we had off-brand sparkling water from Target she didn’t like. I said I’d drink it. She literally told me she didn’t want me to have it, like she was planning to throw it out instead of letting me drink it.
I finally told my wife that if her daughter doesn’t change this behavior, she’s not coming on our trip at the end of the month. Wife says I’m overreacting, that I “yell” and come down too hard. When she does talk to her daughter, the kid just says “I don’t care” and “I’m not gonna keep doing it,” and my wife throws her hands up and says “I can’t force her, what do you want me to do?”
I’m tired of being treated like a walking ATM who doesn’t deserve basic respect or even a sip of sparkling water. I know I should address things in the moment instead of letting them build up — that part’s on me. But how do I get my wife to actually set real boundaries, and how do I talk to my stepdaughter directly without making everything worse? Any advice from people who’ve been here would mean a lot.