Would I be a bad friend and bridesmaid if I quit alcohol for a few months?
Hi everyone,
I have been listening to the THT podcast for a few years now and now I've finally mustered up the courage to write my first Reddit post concerning an issue that's been bothering me for 2 years now. Sorry that this text has gotten so long. I am European and English is not my first language, so please be kind.
Let me jump straight to the story:
My friend Abby (27f) and I (28f) are both bridesmaids at each others' weddings next year, which I couldn't be more excited about as she is the "mama bear" of our friend trio and is honestly just an overall caring person, which I love about her. 2 years ago, the three of us started doing girls nights, which Abby is a huge fan of. I also happen to love them since I love chatting, good food and a having one or two tasty drinks but I've noticed that our definitions of a fun girls night differ quite a bit.
Abby always mentions that she wants us to get blackout drunk as she "needs this". If a girls night in the past ended with us not being as drunk as she had hoped we'd be, she would comment that we needed to go hard next time even though I thought we had had a really fun night with her.
Our other friend, Laura (25f), has started drinking less and less at these girls nights, which I admire. As a result, for the past 1.5 years, Abby has sort of been complaining to some people around us about Laura's "lack of enthusiasm" on our girls nights since she doesn't participate in the heavy drinking anymore and gets tired around midnight (which is totally fair, I usually want to go to bed even before that too). I always defend Laura by telling Abby that this has nothing to do with us but I have started noticing, that Abby equates one's willingness to party with one's commitment to a friendship. She sometimes lets it slip - though very indirectly - that she thinks Laura is currently really letting her down as a friend, which I don't agree with at all.
Since I am a huge people pleaser and I don't want to lose any of these friendships, I have been sort of "picking up the slack" so to say. I at least want to give Laura what she and I both desperately crave: heading to bed at a reasonable hour without a hangover the next day. Laura has even thanked me for sacrificing myself so she can do whenever she feels like. Unfortunately, I think by doing so, I have ultimately branded myself as the "drinking buddy", now that Laura is not fulfilling that role anymore. Now I usually am the one hanging out with Abby until 4 am and getting drunk every time we see each other. It's become this vicious cycle of me feeling the pressure, getting drunk, staying out late and then regretting it the day after since this usually ruins all my other weekend plans due to the hangover and lack of sleep. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't like what it's doing to my health either. I don't even really like alcohol that much, without the social pressure I would probably have a drink once in a few weeks or so.
When we initially started throwing these girls nights, I tried to draw some boundaries, saying on some evenings that I wouldn't drink that night and when that strategy didn't work, I started making excuses. Other people in my life kept telling me to just say no, to stand my ground, which I did. I even bought my own non-alcoholic Spritz kit, so I could still have a drink with the girls. But she always sort of laughed at me and poured me a strong drink anyway, which she pressured me to finish in one gulp. She usually also monitors our drinking paces, saying we need to keep up with her and boooy, she is fast. I once ordered a mocktail at a restaurant since I'd already had two cocktails and I wanted a bit of a buffer, but she kept joking that my next drink "would have to be alcoholic again", since I couldn't let her down.
On the rare occasions when I have really good excuses for not drinking so much, she reminds me that I would need to make up for my lack of drinking on the next occasion. I have even had a few chats with her in the sense of "hey, I love hanging out but I generally want to live healthier and quit drinking". She usually reacts understanding but doesn't say much, and then next time reverts back to praising blackout drunk hangouts since they're more fun than a sober ones. I feel like what I want doesn't count and even the thought of it makes me so desperate to break out of this cycle. I have really started hating myself for this.
The first months of 2026 have been really hard on me. I have gained so much weight and dealt with bodyshaming from my mum, which has spiraled into a bit of a depressive episode. I now have a cortisol belly and it doesn't help that I am drunk every time I see Abby, which is once or even twice a week.
Since Abby was busy these past two weeks, I have not had any alcohol and it honestly feels great. I am currently gaining more resolve to become better and I am planning on drinking nothing for a whole month and working on my overall health. I would really love to extend this goal to only drinking once a month until my wedding day next year in fall, as I want to feel like myself again by then and I think quitting completely might be too extreme. The issue? Next week, we have a brunch reservation and in September, we'll go dress shopping for Abby's wedding dress. Additionally, Abby is getting married one month before me, so I feel like I can't really do that to her leading up to her wedding, especially since it's really important to her.
She has already announced to our group chat that she expects us to "get drunk af" on each of those events. I feel like in order to be a good bridesmaid, I need to participate and be there for the bride, at least on occasions such as dress shopping, the bachelorette party or the wedding itself. Isn't that what's expected from me socially? I don't expect that from my bridesmaids but it's also not something I generally value much. I don't want to let her down, I really want to be there for her but would I be wrong for sticking to my goal regardless? Should I wait until her wedding's over? I don't want to be selfish here.
I would be grateful for any advice or strategies on how to deal with this situation, thank you all in advance! :)