Navigating complex feelings about others' weightloss
I'm trying to unpack some feelings around diet culture and wondered if anyone else relates. I don't think I'm really looking for answers, more like I need to rant about it and this feels like a safe space to do it in.
My mum has been dieting for as long as I can remember. I'm in my 30s, and over the last few years I've been trying to unlearn diet culture, challenge the idea that thin = better, and accept that I might never be skinny, and that's okay. Listening to Maintenance Phase and watching Your Fat Friend really helped me feel validated in understanding that my struggles with weight aren't simply a personal failing, and that we should celebrate everything other than weight loss.
My mum is 70 and has recently lost a lot of weight through fasting. I'm genuinely happy for her because she feels great, and I know how much her self-esteem has struggled over the years, and I want her to be healthy and live longer. She looks very small now but still has her "goal weight", even though she feels great, she's still enmeshed in the culture of I've set a number and must stick to it.
My mum recently posted a photo on holiday, which didn't look true to her (AI or a "good" angle), but she did look very thin, at the gym, that's attracted loads of comments about how skinny and thin she looks. Every single comment is about her weight. Nothing about just looking good, good for her going to the gym on holiday at 70.
I felt irrationally angry, then thought maybe I'm jealous, but after processing a bit, I realised I'm upset that, even at 70, the thing people seem most compelled to celebrate about this beautiful woman is that she's skinny. I wish the comments were about how happy she looks, how much fun she's having, or how amazing it is that she's out there pumping iron on holiday at 70!
I think what hurts is seeing how deeply diet culture has shaped her, while also recognising how much society reinforces it. I'm happy she's feeling good, but I wish she could receive that same validation without her weight being the focus. And it makes me sad that these messages are so ingrained in all of us.
An additional pain I think that was sitting in the background was when I told her I was starting MJ, she was supportive and understanding, and knows the journey to body positivity I've been on. She talked about how easy her fasting is and that she doesn't think about food. Within days, she offered to send me clothes 4 x sizes too small for me and when I said that's too small, she said oh no in a few months on MJ you'll be there. I know she's trying to be supportive but it just felt like an unrealistic expectation on me, and I know that's on me, but it's still hard to hear. I know some people don't tell anyone they're doing it, but I thought she would understand given her 50 years of dieting.
I'm trying to navigate weight loss for my health without slipping back into the mindset that being smaller is the ultimate goal. This incident won't stop that, but how do you manage when the examples of injustice are so close to home?
I don't want to shame my mum or take away her happiness. I just feel angry and sad about the culture we live in, and I want to find people who understand that you can pursue better health while rejecting the idea that thinness determines your worth.
Does anyone else experience this? How do you navigate weight loss while trying to disentangle yourself from diet culture?