Feeling Suicidal - Regrets and Resentment
Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts
Hi, before I begin, I really hope that everyone can show me some kindness. I was a stupid person who sought validation in the wrong things. I’ve ruined myself and my life, and I can never forgive myself. I’ve made a huge mistake, and I know it - so please don’t rub salt in the wound. As my prefrontal cortex continues to develop, I realise what an idiot i’ve been.
I am 23 years old, I have 2 children with a man who is quite a bit older than me. I met him when I was 18, we got married when I was 19, and now I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. When I met him (through work events), he had told me he was divorced but staying with his ex wife and had a good relationship with her and they were best friends who were co- parenting. I didn’t think much of it because I didn’t view him as anything more than a friend/ mentor at the time. So he consistently praised his ex to me, talking about what a wonderful mother she is, how beautiful she is etc. Whatever. It was also weird to me that they were sharing a bed with their 2 kids, even though they were divorced on paper. Again, whatever. He love bombed me, told me how incredible and beautiful I was and all the most charming things i’ve never heard from anyone else before.
Then things escalated and we slept together, and for someone like me who had just broken up with her ex boyfriend of an actually appropriate age, it was out of a fantasy and the best time i’ve ever had. We met up more often and soon enough, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes without thinking too much into it, I never even thought it would end up going anywhere, but it felt nice to be desired by an older, charismatic guy who would spoil me in a way i’ve never been treated before. But it was weird. He lived with his ex, went on movie dates with her, had lunch dates with her, and would constantly text her when i’m around him. I even asked him when we were dating once if he would consider responding to her later instead, and he blew up on me and pulled out the “that’s the mother of my kids” card.
Anyways, I tolerated a lot of bullshit and he insisted I met his kids, who were 2 boys ages 4 and 7 at the time. I got along great with them and they really liked me. His parents really liked me too, and I get along great with them. I also still get along great with the kids.
Well, I asked him if he would ever consider leaving his ex’s house (he got primary custody of his kids as his ex did not want it), and he told me he’d only leave if we got married. And he said he wanted to marry me as soon as possible. He tried to get me pregnant and i agreed, but I didn’t conceive very quickly. He asked me if there was something “wrong with me”, because his kids were “one shot wonders” and it was due to the incredible biological chemistry him and his ex shared (for the record, there was nothing wrong with me, after a sperm analysis, it was proven that he was the issue). Eventually I fell pregnant with our first child and we got married. Honestly, I resent my parents for allowing me to get married to him. i couldn’t invite my friends because I was embarrassed, I couldn’t let anyone know how old he was or about his kids. Till today, nobody knows.
He only moved out of the home with his ex when I was 15 weeks pregnant, and we got our own place. But he would still text her constantly for the sake of “co parenting”. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was completely neglected. We have them 5 days a week and they go over to their mother’s house on the weekends. Guilt acted fast and he would constantly be the super hero dad for them, get them whatever they wanted, do whatever they wanted etc etc. I would go days without eating and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. I would be vomiting profusely and he wouldn’t care. When I was admitted to hospital for Hyperemesis gravidarum, he left me all alone. Sure, I got along with the kids, but at what cost? When I was close to giving birth, I was very insistent on an unmedicated and natural birth, but he asked me if i would consider an induction so that we could plan out the timing of the baby’s arrival, because if the baby were to be born on a weekday, he’s not sure if he would be able to make it (WE HAD A FULL TIME HOUSE HELP/NANNY AND HIS PARENTS LIVE IN THE SAME ESTATE)
He boasted so much about how involved he was for his ex’s pregnancy, how much he was there for her postpartum, and how he handled all the baby stuff. I really believed him.. until he completely neglected me through everything. I’ll never forget when I was screaming in excruciating pain, 9cm dilated and he left the room because his older son called him to fix a game on his ipad. He was on his phone texting his kid throughout my labour. He also made comments about my body, about my stretch marks and how his ex never got them, and how quickly his ex bounced back after births
He was also absent for 7 months after the baby was born When my baby was 3 days old, he took his kids to a water park. He constantly prioritised his kids with her over me and my newborn baby. After a suicide attempt, he finally realised his mistakes and slowly put in a lot of effort to do better. He also minimised contact with his ex wife, because I was at my limit. Even though I was postpartum I still prioritised his kids, I still did everything to be perfect and make sure they were comfortable. I gave and gave and gave, yet nobody gave a flying fuck about me.
Unfortunately, I fell pregnant again when my baby was only 8 months old. This pregnancy, he was actually present for me. Suddenly he showered me with gifts, and took care of our older one and started actually acting like a father to our shared child, and taking care of me through my pregnancy. He also helped me immensely during my birth and postpartum stage. He is continuing to do really well even now. But the resentment I carry, I just cannot take it anymore. I feel so inferior to his ex wife, I’m constantly stalking her socials and constantly comparing myself to her and how he loved her so much more (he insists he didn’t). Every time I see his kids I see her face and it makes me nauseous. I genuinely love the kids but I can’t live like this anymore. Today i saw her when i was picking my kid up from daycare, and I almost blacked out and fainted on the sidewalk.
I am reminded of all the ways i am not good enough. Everything I do, is always so much more than their mother has ever done for them. But at the end of the day, who am i? i’m nobody. I know I need to live for my kids but I can’t go on feeling this way anymore. No medication has helped me. I’m drowning and I can’t see the light. I’m living in the past, I’m terrified of the future, and I resent every second of this.
Please help. Divorce is not an option for me at the moment.