u/so_much_frizz

I was here feeling I was doing great! A couple of publications and a few on the way! I guess I just learned how behind I actually am! For some reason I felt like my cohort was still in the "learning how the research publication process actually works" phase. For some, perhaps ego-driven, reason I thought I was so far ahead of my cohort in terms of research progress and accomplishments. Boy was I wrong! I peeped their professional webpages, and I see a huge list of publications! These are people who constantly confide in me how unqualified they feel and how behind they feel in the program! Legit these folks have first author publications in top journals! Nobody told me about this! I feel like everyone is just so silent about what they are working on. I guess I felt like they were just working on classes, exploring research topics, but nowhere near publishing. Boy was I wrong. Where did you have all that time to publish whole ass articles?? Aren't you still taking classes? Weren't we just in our research methods class and you asked that question about how the peer review process works?? I am awe of them. They are great! But this definitely caught me a bit off guard, telling me how much I really do need to actually pick up the pace. Has anyone else encountered this feeling before?

Hello, so I am a PhD student and she is a PhD candidate visiting for a semester from a university across the globe. We are both in our early thirties. As far as I can “tell” she isn’t in a relationship, and I see no wedding ring on her finger.

I try to talk to her when I see her at department events, and from what I can tell she seems to like me, smiles and laughs and all, and always makes an effort to walk over to me. But I always sort of “cut it off” before we get closer because I feel weird about the "professional" dynamic. Part of me is like dude what’s the big deal? Ask her out? And the other part is like dude. Ew. Weird. Creepy. Leave her alone. As far as I can tell there is no power dynamic. We don’t work on the same projects and do not report to one another in any capacity. We are simply nothing else than two adults that happen to be in the same department. We do however have the same advisor though.

Part of me is just trying to think what do I even make of this? She will only be here for a few more months. I could just “do nothing” and tell myself “this is a professional environment, and these things just are not meant to be”. So then she goes back to Europe and I end up regretting never asking her out. The other part of me actually really wants to date her. She seems super cool, and seems a bit lonely. Nobody really seems to pay attention to her (except me of course!).

I sort of wonder though, would I have to disclose this to anyone? Or could we just kinda date under the radar? I honestly don’t know. It’s an odd case with these visiting scholars, nobody really pays attention to them, and then once they leave, it’s like they are gone without a trace. My advisor hardly pays attention to us anyway. So it's like if we started seeing each other, I mean, would there be much harm in that? Logistically speaking, she will be gone before the summer ends, while our advisor, and the bulk of the faculty will also be gone for the summer. I sort of doubt they will meet in person again. It sounds kind of nice in a weird way, where we could get close and nobody would ever know really. We have a final end-of-the year department social tomorrow so I am just wondering if this could be a chance to ask her out, or just do nothing and "let it be". What do you think I should do? Thanks!

I play in a band am looking for some cool pieces to where for gigs, and for some reason I am just so incredibly drawn to western-style pearl snap shirts. There is something that just so cool about them, it's like that workwear American traditional feel, but with a touch of dressy class. It's just badass and clean in my opinion, but makes you look a bit rugged at the same time. There are of course different styles of men's western shirts out there, from plain and ordinary, to more decorative, but I have really tried to start incorporating them more into my daily outfits, even though a part of me still feels like a total freaking poser for even trying to pull them off. Though I try to wear them more casually, untucked, rather than more tucked in and formally, which I feel would really give off the impression that you are trying to be some sort of rodeo guy or a real ranch worker. That's a bit "too" country for me, so I just keep it to untucked with a pair of jeans or plain grey 5-pocket pants. Anyway, here is a cool western shirt I found from Howler Brothers, which I think looks absolutely amazing and would be such a cool piece to wear to gigs and just casually for a night out, untucked:

https://www.tylerstx.com/howler-brothers-mens-broncbuster-snapshirt/?srsltid=AfmBOorsBDI2S7UTfXvwrJJ6MjE9ecSAVPNZsSUoorezApS6AaZOwWGo

https://preview.redd.it/fzstfqlloc1h1.png?width=1244&format=png&auto=webp&s=cbe7382ec5b2a204796518251a3406b7826b459a

I would get the blue indigo shirt. What do you guys think? I am 33 with long dark hair for what its worth.

Hello, so I was hoping to get some perspective here on a sort of dilemma I am dealing with pertaining to social events with my cohort. I understand that for some folks here who do not have good relations with their cohort or where socializing is not a thing, this might be seen as a “good” problem, and I get that, but I am just wondering if there are folks here who are currently feeling a bit overwhelmed with cohort socializing? I recognize I will likely get downvoted for this, but I was just hoping some folks here might be able to relate to this.

For context, I am the oldest in my cohort, 33M, and most of my cohort is mid-twenties or so. We all get along great, and the students really seem to like me. I am often getting invited to social events, whether it be hangouts, movie nights, dinners, bar crawls, birthdays, achievement celebrations, etc. and for that I am super grateful and happy to be a supportive friend here. But honestly, I am a very introverted person and am starting to feel completely exhausted with all of the socializing. For me, one social event a week, and the rest of the week I am just working solo is honestly the pace I feel is the healthiest for me, it’s just what I am comfortable with.

If I am personally invited by someone to an event, I will still of course go, just to be gracious to that person, and things will usually be fine. But what I am having some difficulty figuring out how to deal with are all of the “mass group text-like” invites, whether this be cohort-group texts about an upcoming event or a cohort-wide group google calendar invite to an event. These are the events I just feel kind of odd approaching. I get multiple of these a week, and quite honestly, I don’t always want to go. Sometimes I just want to stay home and get work done and just chill honestly. But I feel guilty saying “no”, that just feels to harsh.

There is this weird feeling I have of “am I even wanted there?”. It just feels odd with “mass” invites, since of course “everyone” is invited. I get that if everyone is invited, then well, yes, of course I am invited. But at what point can I just say no to these? Like if we are just speaking honestly if someone personally approaches me or texts me asking to come to their party I will honestly prioritize that over a mass invite. People will send out group invites for going clubbing or movie nights, and I just feel conflicted. There have been times I have been so busy or felt so drained that I didn't want to go to a social event, but just caved and went because I didn't want the awkwardness or guilt the next day of answering why I ditched the group, but upon arriving at the event, people seemed pretty meh about me being there and I was kinda just ignored, felt kinda unwanted. That is fine, but also I was just thinking, man... did I really have to drive an hour just to come out for this?

And then there is the age aspect, where I sometimes just wonder what am I doing as someone who is 33M hanging out with mid 20-somethings? It's like I will casually hear my classmates joke about some "creepy 30-something year old guy trying to date a 20-something", and while no one seems bothered by my age personally, I just get this feeling of eghh... what am I even doing here... I thought maybe for this next movie night I will just "not respond" to the calendar mass invite! I got asked the next day "awww... we missed you at movie night last night! What happened?" I felt bad. But some of the "mass" cohort invites just feel so... impersonal? Like I get it, it's more efficient than sending everyone an individual personalized invite, but part of me just feels like... eh... am I "really" actually "invited" though? Such that I give up my whole day to go to an event that I am not even sure I am really even wanted at or just got "default" invited because I am on the "student" contact list? I don't know.

Can anyone else relate to this? I just got back from a cohort camping trip that I honestly did not have time to given my workload, only to get home and rush to a going away party for one of the department researchers, to getting hang out invites throughout the week, and even as I am writing this I am now rushing to make it over to someone's research progress celebration "kickback". I am exhausted! I am really not trying to sound like the bad guy here! : (

Sorry for the long winded post!