u/sojudarling

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Long post ahead please bear with me. Please do not post this outside of reddit for privacy.

My BF [M33] and I [F31] have been together for 10 years. We met when I was 21, and for most of our relationship I genuinely thought we would eventually get married. We aren't engaged yet, and lately I've started questioning whether I even want to get there.

I don't think there is one huge thing wrong with our relationship. It's more like a bunch of smaller things have been piling up, and I'm starting to feel increasingly resentful and disconnected from him.

The biggest issue right now is intimacy.

When we first got together, we had sex around 4 times a week. After moving in together (we live in Makati), it dropped to around twice a week, which I was still perfectly happy with. Then I went through several years of depression and was on antidepressants, antipsychotics, and sleeping medication. My libido basically disappeared during that period.

I eventually came off the medication with my therapist's approval, and my libido returned about a year later. The problem is that my BF's apparently hasn't.

We've had sex only twice this year. Whenever I initiate, it's usually "I'm too tired," "I'm too full," "I'm stressed," or "I'm not in the mood." I completely respect that he can say no to sex, and I don't want him to ever feel obligated to have sex with me. But I'm also becoming very sexually frustrated and lonely.

I ended up buying sex toys so I could take care of myself, and when my BF found them, he was hurt that I had them, so I threw them away. He doesn't seem particularly interested in masturbating either.

At the same time, he works long hours and is genuinely stressed by his job, so I don't want to dismiss that. We both lost around 35 lbs this year and have become more active, and I've noticed that I have significantly more energy and a much stronger libido than I used to.

Then there's the household stuff.

I recently spent three weeks on vacation in Europe. When I came back, I found that my BF hadn't vacuumed or swept around, the sheets and pillowcases hadn't been changed, the duvet cover hadn't been changed, and his clean laundry which had been delivered a weekago, was still sitting in the plastic because he hadn't put it away. When we first started dating, he would clean his place from top to bottom. What has changed?

I know these things sound trivial individually. They're not a huge deal to me if someone occasionally has a messy week. But I'm starting to feel like I have to notice, remind, and manage everything, and I absolutely do not want to become the person who parents their partner.

What makes it worse is that he'll tell me he's too tired from work to do these things, but he can spend four hours gaming. It's just me and him here and our dogs, so when I ask him to walk them, he'll just say he'll do it later. I already knew what "later" probably meant.

I don't actually have a problem with him gaming. I think people deserve hobbies and downtime. What bothers me is feeling like chores and responsibilities are always what gets sacrificed when he has limited energy, while gaming somehow gets prioritized.

And I think this is starting to affect how attracted I feel toward him. Four hours of gaming while basic responsibilities are being ignored genuinely gives me the "ick." I'm starting to see him less as a partner and more as someone I have to remind to do things, and that's frightening to me. And it's making me so frustrated because I haven't had sex and I can't initiate because he literally gives me the ick. I'm not gonna cheat on him because I love him so now I'm stuck on this place waiting for him to get there.

He's not abusive. He's not a bad person. He works hard, and I know he's stressed. I don't want to reduce him to his worst habits. We've also been together for so long that walking away feels enormous.

But I'm starting to wonder whether these aren't isolated problems anymore.

We have a significant libido mismatch. I'm frustrated about household responsibility. I'm becoming resentful about gaming. I'm questioning marriage. And I'm scared that if we get married, these problems won't magically disappear—they'll just become harder to work on.

At the same time, I don't know if I'm expecting too much.

Is this a normal rough patch in a long-term relationship that can be worked through? Or am I seeing signs of a deeper incompatibility?

Should I be pushing for couples therapy before we even consider getting engaged? Should I stop focusing on individual incidents and look at the overall pattern?

Most importantly, how do you know when you're experiencing normal relationship frustration versus when you've stayed in a relationship long enough that resentment and incompatibility have become the relationship itself?

I'd really appreciate advice from people who have been in long-term relationships, especially those who went through a period where they seriously questioned whether they should stay and eventually worked it out—or decided they shouldn't.

TLDR: My BF and I have been together for 10 years, and I'm starting to question our compatibility. Our sex life has dropped to about twice a year, and I feel like I'm carrying more of the mental/household responsibility while he prioritizes work and gaming. I love him and don't think he's a bad partner, but I'm becoming resentful and less attracted to him.