confused about feminine men
first of all I hope it won't come out as offensive, bc I am truly confused here😭. I am confused both on my sexuality and on whether I'm accidentally being disrespectful to some people. I am a lesbian (18) and I've only recently come out to my friends as lesbian after I fell for a sapphic girl (and was rejected). I used to identify as bi, but the label didn't seem to fit me well. i'm quite sure I don't like men. actually, I don't even feel much attracted to masc women cause they resemble men too much... I prefer femmes. but when it comes to men, I've only been attracted to men 2 times in my life, and they're both (amab) women now. the thing is... at the time when I liked them, they were still in bodies that basically were like men's bodies. I didn't seem to care about that, I only cared about the vibes. so... what's that mean ?? 😭😭😭😭 there's also one thing and I'm scared of being disrespectful or misinterpreting stuff.... basically I have some sort of obsession for femboys. it started when I was young, as a way to cope with internalized homophobia, it was the only way I wouldn't feel grossed out by the thought of having to like men. I would show a male historical c-drama actor on TV (they have long hair and no beard) and tell my mother "he's my type of man" to try make her (and also me) believe I'm not gay. Somehow, this behavior still hasn't disappeared, even after coming to terms with my sexuality. I still "celebrate" couples of femboys as if they were lesbian couples, and I repost edits of men in drag and feminine thai bl actors all the time, instead of edits of women. I also say "she's my wife" whenever a kpop idol that I like appears on screen (my fave male idols are all femboys). I sometimes ask myself whether this obsession might mean i'm bisexual, but actually, I only like them because I somehow manage to mentally translate them as women... but this is kinda creepy and I would like to have some advice. thank you