Honeymoon phase ending, normal stability or quiet exit?
tl;dr - I haven’t had a healthy relationship before and am working through attachment styles. The dynamic has shifted since we’ve moved in but I can’t tell if this is normal? General effusiveness has decreased.
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some pretty candid advice (kindly if possible as I’m aware I’m coming across as needy and I’m trying extremely hard to not project this on my partner) because I’ve never really experienced a healthy, secure relationship before, and I’m trying to understand what’s normal.
I’ve been with my partner for 10 months, living together for 2, and we’ve known each other for 3 years. She’s 33 and I’m 39.
I have severe anxious attachment and OCD, and I’m currently going through DBT and therapy to work on these issues and have been for several months. I’m very aware that I overthink and become hyperaware of changes in affection, and I’m genuinely trying to get better.
When we first got together, we were long distance, and my partner was incredibly effusive about her feelings. She’d regularly say things like “you’re perfect for me”, “we’re the perfect couple”, “we’re a team” and “God, I just love you”. We talked excitedly about our future, flirted constantly, and would rip each other’s clothes off whenever we saw each other. But since moving in together, things feel a little different.
We’re still very affectionate. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss and say “I love you” multiple times every day, and these are often initiated by her. She holds my hand before we fall asleep, she is touchy with me. Our sex life is still extremely healthy, but it’s gone from most days when we visited each other to around 2-3times a week. There’s less spontaneous flirting and sexual excitement from her side.
What I notice most is that she seems much less effusive and excited about us in general. She’s more sarcastic and playful, and while she’s still loving and affectionate, that really excited romantic energy seems to have faded a bit. But she also gets quiet, seems to get irritated by me sometimes, and our relationship can feel ‘functional’.
Last night she spontaneously said “God, I just love you”, which twigged my brain because she used to say things like that constantly. Now it’s generally “I love you”, which is obviously still wonderful, but feels different.
We also used to talk about our future much more enthusiastically. That seems to have reduced, although she’s actively making plans for our Christmas together.
She’s also been incredibly stressed and exhausted by work for the past two months, which I know will affect her energy and mood. The job situation has also put some of our future plans on hold for the time being, which I appreciate may be affecting how much we talk about them.
My anxious brain interprets all of this as her loving me less, or the magic disappearing for her. She was the first person who I felt loved me for ‘me’ and although it’s pretty arrogant, for someone who has suffered from extremely poor self-esteem for years, I liked that feeling, that feeling of being special.
But I genuinely don’t know whether this is simply what happens when the honeymoon phase ends and a relationship becomes more comfortable and secure, and my brain is interpreting it wrong.
I recognise that expecting constant excitement and romantic declarations isn’t necessarily realistic or reasonable. I love her deeply, and I really don’t want to ruin a good relationship through my own overthinking and I am trying so hard to not raise this with her, as I don’t want her to feel attacked. I also know there’s a good chance I am being hyper aware of normal fluctuations and assigning the wrong meaning.
I suppose what I’m asking is whether this sounds like a normal transition after moving in together? Can someone become less effusive, flirty and excited while still loving their partner just as much? Does this sound like a healthy relationship becoming settled, or are there genuine warning signs?
I’m trying to learn what healthy, long term love looks like because I’ve never really had it modelled for me.
Genuinely, I don’t ask her endlessly “if we’re ok”, and I’m trying to practice ERP, but the mood does feel different. I’m also aware I may sound entitled - that isn’t where I’m coming from, it’s from a real place of worry and fear.
Thanks for reading and sorry it’s long. x