Typing this crying from the office bathroom
Honestly, I don't even know what to write here. I just want to say that no job has ever made me feel so stupid in my life. I can't make any progress—seriously, none at all—not even on a single control without a prior-year reference. The only thing I know how to do is document using the PY as a reference.
I joined as a digital risk consultant thinking I would at least know something about IT audit, since I was an intern for 10 months at KPMG in risk advisory. But I only handled one client during my entire time there, and I documented well simply because that client had four years of prior-year references to follow.
I moved to Deloitte because there were no open positions at KPMG, and here I said I had experience in internal IT SOX. So they put me on a mining project with four subsidiaries and very similar controls across them, but everything is just so damn hard. I don't know how to document; I honestly don't, my mind just goes completely blank. I always ask my senior, but she is way busier than I am with project workload. She knows I have some experience, but everything is so completely different here. At KPMG we only did TOD and TOE, and everything was handed to me on a silver platter. They would hand me the evidence and say, 'document this.' Here, obviously, I have to review the evidence requests they upload and all that. I know the workplans help to an extent, but most of the controls don't match the workplan and are like a mix of a little bit of everything.
I am beyond stressed. Every single day I break down crying like an idiot out of pure frustration. It's even worse when they explain things to me—at first glance, I understand everything, but the moment I try to put it into the working paper, nothing comes out, everything is wrong. Any suggestions other than quitting? I have never felt so sad and useless in my life.
And I know it sounds like an exaggerated tragedy, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I told my senior that I'm blocked, but she can never take a call with me and I get it. And no, I doubt my manager would say anything to the only senior she's worked with for 5 years after so much turnover. Worst of all, in 10 days I hit the 2-month mark, and by the third month, the probation period ends.
I don't want to give up after typing all this crap crying from the office bathroom, but please, I need some advice on how to actually understand how to document... I read the workplans and nothing seems to work.