I Just Went No Contact
Hey all, I (male 30) just went no contact with my parents today. I could write a novel on everything, but I ended up just creating a list of what I consider to be abuse both growing up and into adulthood. Im posting this here for my sanity, to check if Im looking at things wrong or overreacting. I did have a major argument with them both over the last couple of weeks, with today's verbal argument with my dad being the final straw.
Here is the list:
Ways my parents caused abuse:
- My parents scream fought hundreds of times with name calling. Usually occurred every 2 weeks on average as a child
- My dad heavily abused alcohol
- My dad slapped my mom across the face when too drunk. My mom came screaming into my room to call the police and locked him out, leaving me in the middle of their argument
- He has threatened suicide to us a few times
- He was a complete mean asshole when drunk
- My dad has emotionally cheated. I heard the phone call with the girl
- For most of my life, my dad was not emotionally available
- I was physically punished (usually spanked and a couple times to the point of needing ice packs)
- They came in to my room stating they were getting a divorce at least a dozen times during an argument. They never divorced.
- They often did not allow me to have my bedroom door closed
- I was not allowed to nap when I was in high-school
- They did not allow me to express angry emotions ever. If I was angry or frustrated at them, I was shut down hard.
- My mom sent me Alone for a week to her bio father who sexually abused her growing up. Although he thankfully never touched me, he still described sexual acts and things he'd like to do to his cousin to me. I also witnessed him emotionally abusing his wife to the point that I went and apologized to her
- They had become overly negative people, constantly angry and negative about everything and everyone, or so it felt like. Every conversation delved into something negative going on.
Fast forward to adulthood
- There is a pattern of my moving away and getting into an argument with my mom. She always cites that I disrespect her when communicating to her, even though i dont say anything involving name calling or blatantly rude as per my perception.
- My parents continued and still do viciously argue. They think its normal and healthy to do so. I dont and when I said so they say that i want some utopia life thats never going to happen
- They tried to argue like this with me in front of my son. They saw it as disrespect when I ended the phone call after stating we were too heated to talk and I didn't want to argue in front of my son (this was a couple weeks ago)
- They have stated that I owe them, particularly my mom, for raising me the way she did. The relationship is transactional in their eyes. They constantly bring up how much they've done for me and thus I owe them.
- They have gaslighted me to get me to believe they have done absolutely nothing wrong and only I have a problem during our conversations. Naturally, when I try to call this out, im met with denial that this ever happens.
- They "dont understand" what I mean when I say that I was shut down emotionally as a kid
- They keep saying "I guess you dont love us anymore" or "I guess you dont care about this relationship" if at any point I decide to end an argument or not engage with it
- They constantly accuse me of mistreating them, that I only use them and dont care about their feelings
- My dad says I have become too sensitive nowadays when im trying to set boundaries and show things that they say or do that bothers me. Then turn around and say they dont understand what I mean when I say there are things that have emotionally damaged me
- They justify their behavior with "we love hard and we fight hard", like arguing like maniacs is something to be proud of, that its normal when it isnt
- They still treat and speak to me like im a high school child that needs to do what they say
- My mom has stated a couple times now that she is ending the relationship essentially, hoping "we have a good life" cause we aren't interested in loving her etc
- My dad has twice now brought my kids into these arguments, stating he "hopes they don't do this to us as I have to my parents". This feels like manipulation to guilt trip me
- I have previously tried to voice the abuse to them and how their actions may have negatively affected me and I was immediately invalidated and gaslit by my mom stating I dont understand anything about their relationship. That im so far off base
- They have disregarded several boundaries i have set in regards to my son:
They did not care and did nothing when we raised concerns about no net around their pool
They did not care and went against my saying I dont want anyone else around my son. My mom continued to invite her coworkers over to her house without telling me while watching him
They do not care about our decision to not have arguments in front of our kids. "He's only 1" my dad said, and that its good for him to experience this.
Let me know your thoughts, am I crazy?