u/sorrowingdolly

i suspect i have some traits of conduct disorder, not self diagnosing or anything i just dont really have any other way to describe it. i cant get diagnosed with anything either, but these traits are sort of getting out of hand. when i was younger i used to be able to control it or hide it, but now i genuinely cannot hide most of it and sometimes ill burst out laughing over horrific things. i dont feel guilt about it either, which i never have, but point is its going to be much more difficult to live if these traits keep worsening. like my reputation or how people view me, and also i assume its quite difficult to be around someone like me. of course i am not saying this to be validated over some random diagnosis, but i want to know how to control it or if thats not possible. again, if this is disrespectful in any way to diagnosed people or something please inform me. i will say i am pretty far from being an adult, which is why i didnt say aspd. anyway im not exactly sure if cd fits either so take it all with a grain of salt, because i believe i havent truly done anything physically harmful recently. my childhood was quite rebellious however, and i did use to misbehave and physically injure people (not heavily, and this was during like grade 1.) though my entire life i have always been incredibly misbehaving, but sort of with breaks i guess? or perhaps there were never breaks until now. but my point is more than half of my life was just me being misbehaving, rebellious, or something like that. it wasnt usually physical violence though. i am not saying what i did was right, but i am sharing my experience. though, its quite confusing for me since i used to be incredibly empathetic, perhaps affective empathy, but it has completely downgraded into cognitive empathy. i cant exactly tell if it was a gradual transition, but yea. although i am a difficult person, i find that i also find difficulty in myself. i do not say this out of pride but i really involuntarily despise humanity, and even interacting with them. although i label myself as aplaroace, i am not even sure if that is valid. and i dont really know how i can continue living normally if my entire life is hating everything around me. i find no benefit or feeling from interacting with people, no matter how many people talk about benefits, emotions, or long term stability. this is one thing that has stuck with me since i was born: the aplaroace stuff. if you dont know what aplaroace means its basically lack of platonic, romantic, and sexual feelings towards people. anyway i hear people say this is a normal teenager thing, and that it will all fade away, but even if it will later i still find it a bit of a nuisance to endure this in the present moment. of course i am more of a nuisance to others than myself at times, but i am also unsure of that. a lot of people ik call me incredibly calm, mature, and good at giving empathetic advice. however, internally, i feel none of what they said. i feel as though i have always been displaying someone fake, because everyone describes me much more positively than i honestly believe. i do not exactly wish to be seen as bad or good, however, but it just feels incredibly confusing for me if my views of myself deviate so much from others. also, i am not quite sure if this relates so again take it with a grain of salt, but the more i grow older the more i intellectualize (this does not mean i find myself intelligent, it means like i make everything incredibly complicated and relate it to like idrk how to explain, ig academic? like everything to me is not emotional or simplistic, rather as if everything to me was mathematical, not in numbers, but like problem solving. and this is with literally everything. sometimes i think my brain has no other way of thinking. in fact, this is probably proof of it right now.) also with the breaking rules thing, i guess i do that as well but its much more logical than just impulsivity. like i'll skip pe from a simple thing like a volleyball hitting me and making me bleed while the teacher completely ignores me and tells me to go through with it. or societal expectations, stupid government rules, stuff like that idrk. i also tend to get annoyed at everything and everyone for no reason at all, i have no idea why but i keep hating everything. ill even start internally insulting people who are masters at things i like, for example literature, etc. i also feel that i have this horrible sense of grandiosity, like i keep viewing myself as superior, but i never exactly do anything about it. and no matter how much i convince myself that we are equal or whatever its not exactly a voluntary thing. like i know we are all equal, but i also don't? i am irrational myself, but i hate irrationality in others. its very contradictory. also i find that i have some sort of favoritism in public spaces, like if im the one laughing uncontrollably i never get called out. but once someone next to me does it, they immediately get called out. i really have no understanding of why this happens, and i dont know what people think of me, and i do not say this out of pride. it only makes me assume im making things unfair for others or that ive somehow terrified people enough to ignore me. of course i have impulses that aren't normal, but i do not really remember acting on it. i say remember because i am either unreliable, or i can never differentiate between my intense internal thoughts, and my actual actions. i never know what im actually doing, and even if i did do something bad, ill probably somehow not realize. i'm not sure how to explain it though. i also hate being controlled in any way. if someone tells me to cut my hair, ill never cut my hair again even in the future unless ive fully cut that person out my life and moved on somehow. if someone makes me lose marks for not double spacing and their own reason is something like its hard to read then ill be completely angry at them no matter how well respected the teacher is. since i was a child i always like lied for no reason, or even just about completely mundane, random things. and during my childhood when i did harm others and my parents forced me to make amends for it, i never did and i told them that i apologized and made up for it without guilt. still, i do not feel guilt but i wouldn't exactly do it again either since theres not really a reason to. again, i am not diagnosing myself with anything, and i just want to know what i can do to stop this or atleast make it less difficult to control if thats possible. or perhaps a diagnosis is the only way, but i dont exactly have that privilege either. i dont know what i would be diagnosed for though, so i have no idea how it would benefit me. if anyone could explain to me more about this and about the benefits of diagnoses, i would appreciate it. thank you.

also, I would like to be informed if this was the wrong thread if I should have posted this somewhere else. thank you.

ive been using ortho k for like 3 years or more and ive never had it where everytime I put it in I start tearing up after like a minute or so and everything starts burning and turning red. ive gotten like this reaction to Boston advance now where it burns when I use it but even without using it it still burns. and its always my left eye thats most affected despite my right eye being much more dry. at first I assumed it was pollen because I have pollen allergies but I geniunely dont think its pollen anymore because its just gotten to worst pain ive ever felt so far. and the pain is from my tears, or boston advance solution, never truly the lenses.

has anyone else experienced this or like knows anything about this? its been like this since mid March I think, im not quite sure at this point.