AITA for wanting low contact with MIL?
Hello
This is a long one, bare with me. I have been with my Husband for 2.5 years we have known each other and were friends for about 3 years prior. There is an age difference (not that it should matter) but about 10 years (myself, female being the older) I have a child from a previous relationship as well.
Backstory - I have NEVER felt completely welcomed by his family, and he is aware. Comments have been made almost since the start. The first year of us dating, he moved in fairly quickly and at thanksgiving his mom (let’s call her Laura) made a comment about how my husband never told anyone that he was now living with me, which is wildly untrue as he mentioned many times I think she just did not approve of it. Fast forward to new years, we invited everyone over for games (what do you meme) and a card was read by my husband that read “it’s Aprils fools day and she tells you she’s pregnant” and immediately Laura blurts out “GOD I HOPE NOT”.
I voiced to my husband later that evening how hurtful that was and he agreed but also completely avoids conflict and took months to even say anything to Laura which she of course said was “just a joke”.
At this time, we had been trying for a baby as I am no spring chicken and even now we have still been unsuccessful.
We always included his family on many things we had done, I should also mention I am not a people person , I like my tribe and other than that, keep to myself- my job is very demanding and I deal with many people all day, in my down time I like very minimal interaction with many people. However, we always tried to include them.
After the new years fiasco, his sister (we will call her Tammy) got into an argument with him about how he is never around anymore which was odd because prior to moving in with me he lived 2 hours away from his family and saw them even less. Tammy then made a comment about how she doesn’t always like seeing us because she feels like a “Babysitter” to my kid. Mind you she had been around my child maybe 3 times, all at family events, where of course my child would be included. Tammy also wants to work in childcare which was wild that a statement like this would be made- so it was clear she just did not like MY child who is a sweetheart and is honestly fine just sitting next to someone on her tablet or coloring. This rubbed me the wrong way and I have not wanted much contact with Tammy ever since. My husband was also very unhappy with this as he looks at my child as his own.
Fast forward to us getting engaged- we told his parents and immediately Laura had to make it clear she better have a mother /son dance. I have no relationship with my dad (his choice for not wanting to accept faults due to his alcoholism and apologize for hurtful comments). My husband and I had not even discussed dances and tbh I was going to ask not to have them because it saddens me that my father will not be at my wedding. On top of that asks us who is in our wedding party, which we did already have an idea and I’m sure you can guess that NO Tammy was not someone I would be including in my party. However my husband is having my brother in his party because they are close. Immediately his parents said WHAT ABOUT TAMMY. I didn’t want to cause an argument being that this was supposed to be about our happy news and they just decided she needed to be in my party. My husband and Tammy are not even that close but Laura has to facilitate everything.
This was making my blood boil, Tammy was not happy about our news and does not like my child and I’m assuming myself as well but now I have to include her into my party?
Side note- as my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant we ended up going to the court house in March to get married and only a few close people know- my mom, my child, and 2 of our close friends (none of his family to avoid further comments and disapproval) as we have a wedding planned next year. This was so that I could be covered on his plan to go through IVF which is incredibly stressful and mentally draining in itself.
Months go by and as stated I’m not a people person and after thanksgiving, Christmas and new years I need a break especially from family. Laura got upset with this. And requested a lunch with me to chat (yay- eyeroll) this was in April.
This lunch , I was VERY prepared with notes. I made it clear that the previous comments made by her were hurtful and I don’t find them as jokes, that it’s an excuse to use to claim you were not trying to hurt someone’s feelings. I made it clear I was not happy that our engagement news was immediately turned into what she wanted dance wise and having Tammy in my party , etc. I told Laura about the rude comment made by Tammy about my child (which Laura seemed to know nothing about). I also stated that my husband and I are adults and do not need or want consistent unsolicited advice. Laura claimed she was sorry and would be more mindful.
June- we had a vacation planned with our families. It started off fine, Laura and I went to lunch I opened up to her about who I am as a person, that I do keep to myself and reasons why, the past issues with my dad (which are pretty fresh within the last 3 years) and how hard that is on me also that my husband and I are struggling to get pregnant which is even harder. We had a great lunch I really thought we were breaking through. FINALLY. Or so I thought .
The next day they had some friends come over to the house we were at (my families house) remember I’m not a people person. I was cordial however, they weren’t there for me anyways they were all chatting. We decided to the pool and they were all conversing at the table while my husband, child and I were swimming. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and brought one snack in my personal beach bag. I finally get out of the pool ready for some food and they had gone into my bag without asking and ate my snack and said nothing. (Who just goes into someone’s bag) weird imo. I was not happy I was hangry actually. We head back to the house and I got cleaned up and my child just wanted to play in my room and at that point I’m overstimulated and need my space so I stayed and played with my child. The friends leave and the night ends.
The next day Laura and her husband went off on their own and we did our own thing. That night when we got back and saw them it was almost midnight and I wanted to go to bed and put my child to bed. I wasn’t talkative - I was tired and wanted sleep.
The next morning my husband wakes up to take our dog outside and Laura went OFF at him about me. How I am a horrible person, I was so mean to her and didn’t want to talk with her the night prior. How I was so unbelievably rude to her friends and more. Screaming this outside where all neighbors and myself included could hear. Laura came in and asked if we could speak I said I have nothing to say to you.
They were going to leave, my husband felt torn which upset me and I told him. He went to speak with Laura and she wanted to all sit down and talk. We did. While speaking I told her I felt everything with her was fake, how I thought we had FINALLY connected just 2 days prior really opening up about who I am. She gave an extremely sarcastic apology and I said see right there that is fake to which she replied “yea, you know what? That was fake”.
That’s where it ended I walked away.
At this point my husband did not know everything I had opened up to Laura about so he did not fully understand.
The vacation finally came to an end basically doing things separately the rest of the time. We had previously invited them for the 4th weekend and that was uncomfortable as ever.
I have not spoken to Laura or seen them since. I recently opened up to my husband about all I had shared and it took Laura only 2 days to turn around and shit on me. My husband has had extremely minimal contact with her since our trip and less since I opened up.
He keeps saying he wants to having a conversation with Laura however what will it really do because at this point any apology will not feel sincere.
Our wedding planning is starting to vamp up and holidays arriving . I made it clear I do not want to join everyone for thanksgiving but that he was welcome to go see them. He said he does not want to join them if I am not. I do not feel comfortable around people who clearly do not like me and why should I put myself through that? I have no idea what to do about Christmas but obviously we have wedding get togethers coming up. I will have to see them. But AITA for wanting low contact with MIL?