I want feedback on how I can live a life potentially alone without it making me bitter as the years go.
Hello. I am 24 years old (5'4) and I will be turning 25 in December. I've been pretty much a NEET for the past 3 years due to my declining mental health/ED and nearing the 3rd year I fell into the BP rabbithole and ultimately ended up in a partial hospitalization program beginning of this year. So far for the past 10 months I've been in and out of treatment for my mental health and unmanaged eating disorder which probably contributed to the genetic failure of how I ended up looking since I was never truly nourished as a child simply because I never wanted to eat. Restricted and avoided a lot.
But to be quite honest with you I'm done trying to blame my problems on my upbringing or constant societal failures as to why I ended up this way. I'm tired of pity farming and I'm done having a victim mindset. I want to move past the hard shit I had to deal with in life and live the rest of it unbothered. I don't even want a relationship anymore because I fear of still having some sort of assumption they are with me because they feel bad or something of their own benefit. I am deeply insecure of myself and the way I look. Every single thing about myself physically and mentally. I hate it, for now at least.
I know I should focus on the things I can control but I get stuck up on the things I can't and it makes me bitter more and more everyday. I have no social skills and no sense of self control I pretty much let every inside thought be well heard in person and I get perceived a certain way everytime. I know that's one thing I need to work on but there's also the physical part I need to work on too. I'm still pretty skinny even though I've gained weight so I know the gym is something I'd be open to post treatment. But how do I approach social environments differently? At the very least I'd want a friend group but all of my past friend groups don't want anything to do with me because of how unhinged and insufferable I turned out to be. Disloyal, dishonest, hostile, etc. I don't wanna keep blaming society and women for the reason I am this way cause at the end of the day I decided to harbor these characteristics overtime.
Many people who've gone through worse than me but ended up being liked by others because of the way they showed up for them. I was always an annoying instigator/hostile being. This needs to change if I want a better shot at being accepted by society at least in a platonic way for my mid 20s. I need help with being actually making something out of myself even if romance never comes. I've tried clearing out my algorithm first and foremost. I want to try maybe going out more and practicing better social skills. Maybe going out to different social gatherings or events.