Not sure what to do or how to feel
I recently found out that my dad isn’t my bio dad. Several years ago I took a 23 and Me test with my wife (before we were married). She had a free one, and I’ve never really cared about these things but it was free and fun. I get my DNA results and no shocks, nothing interesting. 3 years later my dad does 23 and me and sends me his result. He’s connected with several of our family members but not me. we have no genetic relation. So this must be a mistake. But here is the problem. A few of my cousins on my mom’s side come back as a genetic match with me. So it’s not a mistake. My dad isn’t my bio dad.
I have always had a strained relationship with my dad. He and my mom divorced when I was 2 and she moved me to another state. They fought all the time. Things were very messy. I was in court a lot. Since then I’ve had two step dads and my dad remarried and adopted two children as well. There are a lot of reasons why my dad and I have a strained relationship and none of them involve this NPE news.
Things went further south with our relationship after my daughter was born. He hasn’t met my son. We have been extremely low contact. However I was getting ready to see if we could arrange a visit and patch things up when we discovered this. He told me that nothing changes for him and no matter what, I’m still his son. Which I think is objectively the right answer. However now I feel like he’s placing conditions on our reconciling, and using this NPE as leverage he didn’t have before.
Moving to bio dad.
My mom never told me why she left my dad originally. There are a lot of things about my past I don’t know and will probably never know. But she talks to my wife. My wife got her to speak with me and my mom has identified the man that she believes is my bio dad. She told me she thought my dad was my dad, because we look alike and etc. but there was an affair. Potential bio dad was married and with kids. Apparently he actually held me when I was a baby and even asked my mom if I was his. She said no unequivocally.
I’m not mad at my mom. Maybe I should be. But I know she loves me. I feel bad for my dad because he always told me I was his son. The only one with his blood who could pass on his name. Now that’s not true. I was actually proud of that because somehow it justified all the crap with the divorce/stepfamily and adopted siblings.
I want to meet my bio dad and my three sisters. ( I think they are at least) but I don’t want to blow up their life with information that I was conceived while he was married to their mother. I have all these memories of my family and now when I see pictures with my cousins, I know we aren’t related. Nothing can take away those memories or love but it’s all different now too.
I just feel lost. Turns out I was actually named after my bio dad. Mom denies it. But my middle name is his first name and she has only called me by my middle name. Named after another man, while carrying a last name that I don’t even think belongs to me.
I have my own family. Loving beautiful wife. 4 wonderful children. I don’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I want to know my family. I want everything to just be ok and I’m not sure what to do next.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for from any reader. Maybe acknowledgement? Commiseration? Advice?
TLDR: already complicated and messy family relationships got even more so with news that Dad isn’t bio dad.