r/NPE

Hey everyone,

I'm writing this because I am currently in a deep limbo of grief, navigating through a massive identity shock, and trying to figure out how to process it all. I feel like I'm standing in front of a completely blank canvas—expected to color it myself, but I don't even know where to begin because I don't know who I am anymore. I had an entire culture that wasn't mine build me and shape me, even though growing up, I always intuitively felt like something was off or different. About almost a year ago, I took an Ancestry test that revealed I was, in fact, not Hispanic like I was told. What actually pushed me to take the test was remembering that one of my dad's brothers had already done an Ancestry test. I knew that if we matched, everything would be fine. But once I got my results back, I saw that we didn't match at all. That was the exact moment I realized my dad wasn't my biological dad. Instead, I saw that I was matching with my biological father's family, including my half-aunt and half-uncle. I spoke to my mother's sisters, and they told me everything. I was completely devastated, and to this day I still am. Everyone but my mother knows about what I discovered. I still have a good relationship with my father, who raised me, but I really am just seeking advice or tools I can use to help me heal or set me in the right direction.

I’ve told you guys a synopsis of my NPE story, and I appreciate the support. I have decided to cease any and all contact with my mother and her other children. Anyone in the family can get it at this point.
My mother has done nothing to help me work through the trauma that she caused. Now, my oldest daughter is being affected by her narcissistic behaviors.

Most of my family looks up to my mom. I have no idea why. But nevertheless, they do. So when she and I went through the daddy reveal when I was almost 45, she wanted me to keep the secret. I was an emotional wreck after her 4-minute call. Alone at home with an 18-month-old. I thank God for bringing my youngest through one of my roughest times. I’m a veteran with diagnosed severe PTSD and spinal issues.
So I shut down to the outside world so I could be there mentally for my college student and my toddler. This is when she started calling family and friends saying, “She won’t talk to me. I don’t know what’s going on with her.” And family (not knowing why) told her to forget about me, don’t let your children stress you out. They never knew why I wasn’t talking to her, and they didn’t want to hear it from me. When I told a few family members, they would always remind me that people hid stuff.
Now my oldest daughter is catching strays from the family. They don’t communicate with her because they don’t communicate with me. Graveside at my nephew’s funeral, my mother’s youngest sister speaks to everyone but my daughters… and me. I addressed it with my mother, but I knew what that was. So I’m out. I refuse to subject my family to this level of manipulation and dysfunction. When all I’ve wanted was a conversation and for her to be honest to all parties involved.
She’s already started calling friends and family making them think I’m having a psychotic breakdown. She wants sympathy. Next she will have someone call me from a hospital. Like she’s dying from a panic attack. After that, she’ll try using money to lure me closer. Nothing will work. The difference is this time I’m telling everything to anyone that calls me. Everything to everyone hits her where it hurts; truth hurts a lie. Sorry for rambling. Thank you for reading.

For those who found out later in life that the dad who raised you wasn’t your biological father, did you ever have a feeling or intuition that something was different before you knew the truth?

I’m not talking about cases where you were treated differently or there were obvious signs. I mean situations where your dad didn’t know either and loved and treated you like his own. Did you still ever have a gut feeling that something was off, or did the news come completely out of the blue?

So I found out 100% 6 years ago that my BCF isn’t my BF when on my ancestry it said my sister was only my half sister!

This shouldn’t have been shocking as it was rumored by my mom’s side shortly before this discovery he wasn’t my bio dad. It was heartbreaking and earth shattering non the less. I cried and discussed this with my husband, sister, and best friend that’s IT.

I guess on one hand it’s slightly a relief that BCF isn’t my dad because he actually showed up on my husband’s ancestry matches… we figured out that it’s because they are related on my dads dad side of the family.

The kicker is I am technically related to BCF on his mom’s side. My great great grandmother is my BCFs great grandmother. I think this brings me a little peace in knowing we still share some DNA even though it’s a very small amount.

Anyways I randomly check ancestry to see if I have any matches to figure out who BF is and finally early last year I had a match for uncle. So unless my bio grandparents have a secret child it was easy to narrow it down.

I don’t think I really have any desire to “connect” but I’d love to just know for sure but I don’t want to reach out and cause any issues within either of our families.

I did always feel different that my dad my sister looks just like him and they share way more interest but he never made me feel any less loved or treated me any differently. My parents are still married so this makes everything so much tricker, also my mother was technically a minor when I was conceived and BF was 7 years older than her so that is off putting.

I’m hoping one day my BFs daughter will do ancestry so I can know without having to reach out to anybody. I also wonder if my uncle has ever mentioned it. I don’t know their relationship but it seems he isn’t FB friends with his SIL or niece and BF doesn’t have one so I’m assuming he probably saw me as a match and chose to ignore it.

It's difficult to picture the whole story because it has been so weird and mystical, but I'll try my best.
(And I'm not a native English speaker, so please be gentle.)

I'm a 30-year-old French guy living in Paris, with a stable life, a strong sense of identity, in a relationship for the past seven years, and surrounded by a loving family.

My twin brother was eating with my mother at a restaurant in December, and after some discussions about childhood memories and stuff, she told him that our father isn't our biological father (we don't have any contact with him anymore). He called me the next day and explained that the guy is still alive, that he has his phone number, and that he's actually known about his paternity from the very beginning! It was so weird because I'm French, my mother was born in Paris and has French and Polish origins, our father is a French guy from the east of France, and our biological father was actually born in Argentina!

I'll start pointing out some very strange things from now on because I'm still trying to process what is truly linked to this biological connection and what isn't.

I was excited because I live between Paris and Japan, and so does he. He has a degree in Japanese anthropology (which is what I wanted to study, but I had to stop because of my mental health at the time). So months passed, and we finally met in a little café in Paris. It was strange, but I was relaxed, with a very neutral emotional state. I'm a very cautious person, so I wanted to set up a paternity test before going any further, but I quickly realized that this guy is an asshole. He's very selfish, he only talks about himself, and every discussion somehow comes back to his work (he's an artist) or his achievements. It was very strange anyway. He has almost the exact same body type as me (naturally athletic, kind of skinny but also kind of muscular at the same time, not tall but not short), the same curiosity about other people, the same extroverted mindset, the exact same political label and some things that I truly believed were connected to my soul and who I am.

Anyway, I didn't develop any feelings. I didn't want to build anything family- or emotion-related, so I was fine, just waiting for answers. Then, just a few weeks before doing the paternity test, I met his daughter and EVERYTHING changed in my mind and my heart.

We met on the terrace of a Parisian brasserie, ordered a bottle of wine, and spent the whole night talking. Something completely changed for both of us from that moment on. We use the same words to describe the world around us, we love the same things: photography, fashion, partying, meeting new people, our boyfriends look alike, we have the same sensitivity, etc. We talked nonstop for five hours, and every conversation felt strange because everything seemed connected for both of us. She was wearing a very unusual ring on one of her fingers, the EXACT SAME one I had been wearing for the previous two months, on the exact same finger... And I lost that ring at the exact place where she sent me her first message on Instagram. She was born one day before me (like 3 years before)..

Just to be clear, both of us only wanted a clear answer about our biological connection, nothing more. We both have beautiful lives surrounded by loving people, and we didn't even have any space in our hearts or lives for new siblings. But after that meeting, we both used the same words to describe what we had experienced: we felt something we had never experienced before in our lives. As if our souls were connected or something, I don't know... She says it felt like "having a crush on someone," and I think it felt more like "meeting a part of myself" or something like that. I was then SURE that she was my sister, and it became very, very difficult for me to continue my life while carrying so many strange emotions, feelings, and unanswered questions about what my future would look like.

And the craziest thing is that SO MANY strange coincidences happened during the whole month before I got the DNA test results. The only new people I met or talked to were from Argentina, or they happened to do the same job as my biological father or my sister. On my first day at a new job, one of my coworkers turned out to be French, Argentinian, and Polish. I got the results the day after Father's Day, on the same day Argentina was playing a World Cup match, and there were so many other little coincidences like that.

Then, a week ago, I got the results and, as expected, this guy is my biological father, and she's my sister. My reaction to the results was insane: I cried, I had to control waves of panic, I was happy, then sad, and after about 30 minutes I came back to a stable emotional state.

What happened? Is the weight of reality THAT heavy?! Was this path toward the truth THAT difficult?

Now I'm full of questions. In my country, it's a HUGE taboo, NPE doesn't exist, I don't know any NPE stories. I'm usually good at understanding what I feel, but this time... I'm just confused! Is identity really that connected to our ancestors? Are we really defined by it that much? Are family secrets THAT painful?! I can feel that my whole world is truly fragile now. I don't even know what to do with all of this anymore.

Anyway, I have SO MANY questions for you guys
-What do you think about my story?
-Did you experience many coincidences and strange similarities with your biological father/relatives as well?-
- I know that what I'm experiencing with my sister isn't typical, but has anyone experienced something similar?
- What did you do with this new aspect of your identity? Like, guys... I'm half Argentinian...?!
- Do you recommend me to do something now ?

I'd really appreciate talking with people like me, if only to make some sense of this strange fog surrounding me haha.

i’m 26 and found out recently that my dad is not my dad. we had never had a relationship so loosing whatever connection we had felt like no big deal but i have been really lost about connecting with my bio-dad.
when we met, i immediately could have told you he was my dad. for as long as i can remember, i had questions about why i didn’t look like my dad and this cleared them up haha.
now, we have set another day to meet up and for mw to meet my siblings. we talk weekly but i feel like we are not getting anywhere relationship wise.
i really want to know my dad. am i reading too much into this and expecting too much?
i have literally never been more lost.