Conflicted after first failed IUI
Hello All,
I’m really grateful for this community and would love some perspective from others who may relate.
I had my first IUI last month and it failed. This was more emotional than I thought it would be. I did it mostly unmedicated because of neurological disabilities, but the trigger shot still caused a severe migraine with aura that landed me in the ER on stroke alert. The experience also ended a close friendship, which left me questioning how I could handle solo parenting during emergencies.
The reaction confirmed IVF isn’t an option for me, and now I’m struggling with whether to keep pursuing pregnancy now via natural IUI or wait and pursue donated embryos later. I’m an early-career academic in a high-stress, unstable stage professionally, and finances are tight. In my current position I am entitled to fertility services being almost completely covered and 12 weeks paid leave. I also have a year of fellowship (a year just writing) next year. Academics do get great benefits because we aren't paid a lot, and I am lucky to be at a world-class university which does care that we are treated well. I have two more years in my contract.
I love my work and also deeply want to be a mother. I feel pulled in opposite directions. A big part of this is just the way academia works. We usually get tenure and stability around 40 as our training can be around a decade similar to surgeons or other specialists and then tenure takes 5-7 years to earn (if you get it). It's all a very odd system and for me I think it makes sense to try either before landing a TT job while I have time and flexibility or after tenure when I will have more money but less time with more work and will need to use donated embryos.
I think I’m grieving, overwhelmed, and unsure whether wanting to keep trying now is realistic or if I just have a fear of waiting. Ideally I would like a biological child, but I believe family is more than blood. I do not think traditional adoption is for me.
Has anyone else been in a similar position, especially fellow academics or people who realized that the right choice might be to pause TTC because of structural limitations even when they didn’t want to?
Edited for clarity