u/spron

I don't think I've related to a character this much in a long time.

I've had "The Loneliness" on repeat for the last few days. There's something about the way Sam Reid sings it. There's a numbness to it while he's almost laughing at his own pain. Even the "fuck it" guitar solos. "Perfection." Like Lestat isn't fighting loneliness anymore. He's lived with it for so long that it's become familiar. Almost comforting.

To me it feels like someone realizing that none of it is going to save him. The crowds. The music. The attention. They quiet the loneliness for a while, but eventually the show ends and he's alone again. There's almost an acceptance to that. Like he knows this is the deal.

He grew up alone in his family. He loved people deeply. He also hurt them. They hurt him. Some of those relationships are gone forever, or just out of reach, and he knows it. There isn't some grand redemption where everyone comes back together. He just has to live with what happened.

Then there's the fact that his attempt at becoming a rockstar only exists because Louis told his version first.

Lestat obviously wants to defend himself. His ego is bruised. He wants people to see him differently.

But it also feels like he's trying to understand himself. He's looking back, replaying everything, trying to figure out how he became the person he became. I don't know if he's looking for forgiveness as much as understanding. From everyone else, sure, but also from himself.

That has resonated with me.

I've spent the last year letting go of someone I genuinely believed I'd spend my life with. I don't really want that relationship back anymore. Too much happened. But I also know I'll probably carry that love with me for the rest of my life.

I've been finishing an album with those feelings. About one person, but also about the archetype I'd built around her, and about myself.

I went on tour with those feelings, bringing these ghosts on stage with me.

Every night I'd get on stage and it felt incredible. Like I understood exactly who I was for an hour. I'd get to play a heightened version of myself and lose myself in him. Then I'd get back to the hotel and realize nothing had actually changed. The relief was real but temporary.

Music can be joy. It can also be somewhere to put all of the things you don't know what to do with. Somewhere to channel regret. A coping mechanism. It doesn't erase loneliness, but sometimes it makes it quiet enough to breathe.

I've always thought of myself as a lonely romantic. I grew up lonely. I learned how to be funny. I learned how to perform. I learned how to be charming. Those things are real, but I also think they became ways of surviving loneliness rather than curing it.

Maybe that's why this season has affected me so much. It isn't that I think music fixes anything. I don't think Lestat believes that either. He keeps making it anyway. Creating art, connecting with people, trying to understand yourself a little better, knowing you'll still have to go home and be alone with your own mind and your memories.

Anyway, I was curious if anyone else has been connecting with this season on that level. It has surprised me how much of myself I've seen in it.