Unaccountable Husband, Angry Wife
Hello everyone,
I have been a catechumen/inquirer for about a year and some change. My marriage went from verbally abusive, on a couple occasions physically abusive, and extreme poverty to one with much more semblance of what healthy looks like.
My husband stopped drinking, stopped the verbal and physical abuse, and is so much kinder and tender toward me. We are no longer in federal poverty but able to pay our bills with a little money to spare. Most of my sanity has returned.
But my soul still feels heavily damaged some days. My husband has a pervasive pornography problem, which has led to a dead bedroom for going on 9 years. Our previous priest held my husband accountable for this problem, and he was making significant headway.
We moved for better opportunities, and my husband took the opportunity to resume his pornography use. He is still kind, patient, but struggling.
I had a major breakdown over this and went to our new priest, explaining everything, and telling him my husband needs daily accountability for this spiritual struggle. The priest essentially said that it was”isn’t his job” to check in daily.
I respect this, however, my husband has no accountability and is backsliding on all the promises he has made me- from keeping his phone out of the bathroom, showering with the door open, having an open phone policy, etc. he has gone back on it all.
And my rage is coming forward again. On the verge of violent rage. I feel like a total psychopath. Yesterday I got into the shower with hot water, and silently screamed for 15-20 minutes, crying, and biting myself. While life is so much better, my spiritual state is worsening.
My husband wants to take his time in our catechism, that translates to wanting to put off true accountability and confession.
We visited our old parish and he lied to our previous priest about “having accountability”.
I don’t know where to turn to honestly. I have sobbed in front of the Theotokos and Christ so many times. I understand this is my husband’s spiritual journey and this is for my sanctification. But what was previously compassion and pain for my husband is turning into rage, anger, and disinterest in the faith.
It’s horrible. I should have gone to liturgy this morning but refused. I’m considering going to therapy— there is one orthodox therapist in the area who takes our insurance, I’m just not sure. I need some loving guidance.
Edit: we have a child, we got married as catechumens and I was aware of the pornography. I was hopeful and encouraged by his progress. Our current priest told me that if I was to separate or divorce I would need to be single until our child is 18. I work but do not make enough to support myself. I’d rather die to myself than put my child in a single mom household.