Just need to scream into the void
I rarely post, and I never post personal things like this, but I feel so lost and overwhelmed that I figured this might be a good place to find some support. I just really need to feel seen and heard even if by strangers on the Internet.
In September 2024, I went to the ER because I had severe food poisoning. I'd been sick for days, was badly dehydrated, and my doctor sent me for IV fluids. After waiting 11 hours to be seen, the doctor examined me and was concerned I might have perforated my stomach, so they ordered a CT scan.
A little while later, two doctors and a nurse came into my room, pulled up chairs, and told me I had cancer. Not that they suspected it—they told me I had cancer. Then they discharged me and I drove myself home alone.
That started a year I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I had surgery to biopsy the mass because it was in my abdomen. The biopsy confirmed I had Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Then came a bone marrow biopsy to make sure it hadn't spread there. When I say it was the worst pain of my life—and I've given birth to four kids—I truly mean it.
Soon after, I started chemotherapy. For a year, I had weekly treatments, including injections into my stomach, at a cancer center two hours from home.
I couldn't afford to stop working. Disability paid less in a week than I normally make in a day. I burned through every hour of sick and vacation time just getting treatment. I even worked from my chemo chair so I wouldn't miss an entire workday.
Last September, I was finally told I was in remission.
Since then, I've had scans every three months. From my very first PET scan, I was told I had dense breast tissue and should eventually get a mammogram. Two weeks ago, I finally had it done. They found something concerning, so they repeated the mammogram this week and did an ultrasound.
Then the radiologist came into the room and told me they were concerned about breast cancer. They want biopsies on three areas—two in my left breast and one in my right. Those are scheduled for next week.
Two weeks ago, I took my first actual vacation in well over a year. It was the first time I'd been able to use my vacation time for something other than cancer treatment. And now it feels like I'm starting all over again.
I don't know how to explain how exhausted I am. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again.
I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry.
I have an incredible family. They're supportive, positive, and they love me. But I'm tired of being positive for everyone else. I want to be angry.
I've dedicated my life to helping other people through my work. I've always tried to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. I know life doesn't work on some system where good people are rewarded, but I can't help asking myself... why does this keep happening?
I keep saying all the positive things everyone wants to hear because I don't want them to worry, but the truth is I don't believe any of it right now.
My youngest turns 18 next week and leaves for college in August. My kids don't know what's going on yet. They don't need to—not until I know more.
Right now, the thought of those biopsy needles going into my breasts next week makes me physically nauseous.
If you made it this far, thank you. I don't really know what I'm looking for. Maybe just someone to tell me it's okay to be angry. Maybe someone who's been through this and understands. I just needed to stop pretending I'm okay for a little while.