r/depressed

NOT a religious post

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 11, I turn 21 in 6 days. My plan, since I was 12, was to buy an arm on my 21st birthday and take myself while it snowed after I turned 21. But lately, I’ve been thinking a lot more about what happens afterwards.
I studied mortuary science, I work in a morgue, I know what happens physically.

Many people say nothing, but I don’t believe that to be possible. Your soul, your sentiency, exists. Something that is cannot cease to be.
Some people may see that as hope, it is not. I wish more than anything that there was nothing, and that I became nothing. But in my brain, I know there is no logical was for that to be feasible.

I’m not afraid, I’m not detoured, I’m simply curious.

I would like to know what people here think. Or hope for. People that have the same broken part of their brain that I do.

My friend sent me a message last night out of the blue saying he thinks about ending it a lot. I tried to talk to him on the phone but he didn't want to. I tried to see if I could come pick him up. He didn't want to go anywhere. I tried to just go to him and be there for him but he wanted to be alone. I kept messaging him trying to get him to open up but he keeps saying he is fine. He didn't send that message to me for no reason. Something's hurting and I want to be there for him but he won't let me in? How can I help? I don't know what to do and I'm extremely worried

I’ve been thinking of the way to describe what it feels like for me to be depressed to someone. At first it was hard to come up with something but then I’ve written down this:

“Depression is like having a heavy and massive monster take up residence inside you consuming and devouring your very being and organism making it painful to (emotionally?) function. So through this devastating emotional pain you try to escape it but cannot since the creature is inside you and it is driving you mad and plunging you into a deep melancholy leaving you feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of sorrow, helplessness and spiritual numbness.”

Do you feel the same? Does my text resonate with you?
I still feel like I couldn’t manage to fully describe how depression feels like

I'm 31M. Had occasional anxiety starting around 2017–2018, followed by a severe anxiety/depression/panic/harm-OCD spiral in 2020.

Started Prozac at 20mg. The initial adjustment was brutal. After 3–4 months, I was improving but not quite myself. My doctor suggested 40mg, but doubling my dose seemed excessive when I just needed a little more help.

I pushed for 25mg (alternating 20/30mg), wanting the lowest effective dose and room to increase later.

It worked! I stayed relatively stable for almost 6 years, with only minor breakthrough anxiety. Glad I advocated for myself.

Fast-forward to Sept 29, 2026: Woke up with intense anxiety, impending doom, panic, and nausea. Felt like my original spiral returning, though not quite as severe. The physical fight-or-flight has eased somewhat, but the underlying anxiety, restlessness, negative thoughts, and rumination remain.

- Oct 4: Doctor immediately recommended 40mg again. I agreed to start at 30mg.

- Oct 10: After a week on 30mg, possibly some minor improvements, but still struggling. She recommends 40mg on Oct 17.

Here's my dilemma:

I genuinely like my family doctor. She's a great GP, but mental health doesn't seem to be her strong suit. She's quick to suggest higher doses or switching medications without fully hearing how debilitating the symptoms and adjustments can be. At my last appointment, I almost felt blamed for my anxiety, like I should just think my way out of it.

Six years ago, she recommended 40mg when 25mg was enough. Maybe she's right now, but I'm worried about increasing too quickly, triggering activation, or taking more than necessary. Having room to increase later also reassures me, even if that's not exactly how antidepressants work.

She's away for three weeks. I'm seeing her covering doctor Oct 21 and considering waiting for that opinion before increasing.

She also suggested temporary Ativan, but I'm hesitant about dependence. A therapist once told me that facing anxiety rather than escaping it helps you overcome it, and that stuck with me. I've been white-knuckling through instead of using rescue medication, which I also felt somewhat blamed for.

My questions:

1. Has anyone had a severe flare-up after years on an SSRI and stabilized with a smaller increase, or did you need a bigger jump?

2. Is two weeks on 30mg enough before increasing to 40mg? Would slower titration reduce activation? If tolerable, why not give 30mg 6–8 weeks, or do the benefits of increasing sooner outweigh the risks?

3. Would a psychiatrist offer more individualized medication guidance than a GP, or just more dismissive pill-pushing?

I'm not against 40mg if I need it. I'm open to whatever helps. I just want to feel confident it's necessary and have someone hear me out, consider my history and concerns, and help me make a plan I trust.

Honestly, I'm scared of repeating what happened six years ago. I just want to feel like myself again.

Any advice or similar experiences would mean a lot.