I’m 17 going on 18f and i hate my life so much. my mother and I have been talking about my feelings more because as I get older i’m trying to be more open about my mental health with people i.e. family, therapist etc. and today she showed me a video of me dancing when I was around 4 or 5. This video was extremely hard for me to watch and I felt such strong embarrassment and anger when my mom kept talking about it. She then asks me, “why don’t you like yourself?” and it made me laugh because it’s a good question and it’s just so funny how accurate she was. I don’t like myself at all, i don’t find anything enjoyable about myself, not my looks or my personality. There’s not one thing about me that I can say I love because I truly don’t. I hate the way I think and the way I talk and how I act around people. Everything I do is humiliating and small interactions of all kinds keep me up at night. I think about my death quite often but I don’t want to kill myself or die in a painful way, I feel selfish for that but it’s true. I wouldn’t say I am a suicidal person because I genuinely don’t want to kill myself due to the embarrassment of failing and going through the whole process of regaining trust with people, and the guilt of making peoples lives miserable due to my selfishness of wanting to die. For the past 2 months, I’ve been praying that I won’t wake up in the morning and it would be like I was never even there. I want that so bad, more than anything in the entire world. My whole life is miserable because of my extreme depression and hatred towards myself and towards the world and the guilt i feel for everything I do or have done. My life is quite good and I have 2 loving parents and a loving sister. I have very few friends but I am not that big on friendships anyway because I get sick of them easily. I did go through slight bullying in middle school but other than that all the people who dislike me are irrelevant. I’ve never had anything traumatic happen to me, no major deaths in my family, no abuse or neglect and I have everything I could ever ask for (material possession-wise). I essentially have nothing to be depressed about but I just am, there’s nothing more to it. I’m a depressed individual who “has no reason to be depressed.” Anyways, I feel trapped because i never asked to be here. I didn’t ask to be born and to be honest, knowing I wasn’t even planned pisses me off more because there was a possibility for me to not be here but I am. Killing myself is not an option, at least for now, because I don’t want to go through the suffering of dying painfully and slowly, and the repercussions of trying to off yourself (i tried to kill myself at 12 and it landed me in the psyche ward, lesson learned lol). I am aware I am selfish. I’m stuck living the human experience that I hate. The world is terrible and people are terrible and these emotions I feel are terrible and I can’t escape. I’m currently on Wellbutrin and I actually enjoy it a lot, but it wears off after 2 weeks and then I feel even worse than before. This whole post is a whole lot of word vomit, so sorry for that, but I was just wondering if anyone else feels similar to me? Thanks.

I really want to kill myself so bad. I am tired of how everything is, of how people treat me, and of how people think of me. It’s not just that. All the toxicity everywhere around the world. I’m tired.

Hi i am (17)m and i think God hates me personally he First took away my father when I was 8.then he made fat ugly with no emotion support i really don't know how to express myself how doi i talk to someone to get some relief I don't spend much money or i should say I don't have much I never go to party even birthday party I choose to stay at home but still my mother says I demand alot and she is tired of me.shit man i am suck a fuck up everybody hates me no one cares for me my friends hates me god dammit and the one who does care for me I create distance from them being an avoidant is such a bad thing I don't know how to resolve this problem I don't know why God has so much personal issues with me my sister god married her husband is a dumb ass.holy shit and I am also confused about my life don't know what to do.i feel sick living around i hate this shit everyday I hate this I wish someone could easily kill me as I don't have courage to do so I am a coward man hate this life already. Tired of this shit i want to cry but I cant i don't know how to cry god dammit oohh lord i miss my father if he was around everything would go completely normal peaceful my mother would not be so stressed my sister would not get married I would be happy. Wow man i really wish no one has to live my life really I am a dumbass idiot retard hate myself I have so much rage in me I just hate it man I just hate it help me lord help me!!

I genuinely messed up in every way possible. I literally can’t live with myself anymore and i can’t accept the things I’ve done in the past. I shouldn’t even be here anymore honestly. People like me should have the option to be euthanized or be killed. I’m sorry for disappointing my folks, I regret ever making you believe that you can ever trust me. I’m a fuck up, a loser, and a terrible person. I think it’s best for me to just leave, not only for myself but for everyone else too. I truly believe that dying would solve a lot of problems. I’m sorry for everything

I rarely post, and I never post personal things like this, but I feel so lost and overwhelmed that I figured this might be a good place to find some support. I just really need to feel seen and heard even if by strangers on the Internet.

In September 2024, I went to the ER because I had severe food poisoning. I'd been sick for days, was badly dehydrated, and my doctor sent me for IV fluids. After waiting 11 hours to be seen, the doctor examined me and was concerned I might have perforated my stomach, so they ordered a CT scan.

A little while later, two doctors and a nurse came into my room, pulled up chairs, and told me I had cancer. Not that they suspected it—they told me I had cancer. Then they discharged me and I drove myself home alone.

That started a year I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I had surgery to biopsy the mass because it was in my abdomen. The biopsy confirmed I had Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Then came a bone marrow biopsy to make sure it hadn't spread there. When I say it was the worst pain of my life—and I've given birth to four kids—I truly mean it.

Soon after, I started chemotherapy. For a year, I had weekly treatments, including injections into my stomach, at a cancer center two hours from home.

I couldn't afford to stop working. Disability paid less in a week than I normally make in a day. I burned through every hour of sick and vacation time just getting treatment. I even worked from my chemo chair so I wouldn't miss an entire workday.

Last September, I was finally told I was in remission.

Since then, I've had scans every three months. From my very first PET scan, I was told I had dense breast tissue and should eventually get a mammogram. Two weeks ago, I finally had it done. They found something concerning, so they repeated the mammogram this week and did an ultrasound.

Then the radiologist came into the room and told me they were concerned about breast cancer. They want biopsies on three areas—two in my left breast and one in my right. Those are scheduled for next week.

Two weeks ago, I took my first actual vacation in well over a year. It was the first time I'd been able to use my vacation time for something other than cancer treatment. And now it feels like I'm starting all over again.

I don't know how to explain how exhausted I am. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again.

I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry.

I have an incredible family. They're supportive, positive, and they love me. But I'm tired of being positive for everyone else. I want to be angry.

I've dedicated my life to helping other people through my work. I've always tried to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. I know life doesn't work on some system where good people are rewarded, but I can't help asking myself... why does this keep happening?

I keep saying all the positive things everyone wants to hear because I don't want them to worry, but the truth is I don't believe any of it right now.

My youngest turns 18 next week and leaves for college in August. My kids don't know what's going on yet. They don't need to—not until I know more.

Right now, the thought of those biopsy needles going into my breasts next week makes me physically nauseous.

If you made it this far, thank you. I don't really know what I'm looking for. Maybe just someone to tell me it's okay to be angry. Maybe someone who's been through this and understands. I just needed to stop pretending I'm okay for a little while.

Planned my suicide

Before people judge. I don't have anxiety, I dont have depression or severe mental health.

I do however have chronic debilitating illnesses such as POTS and EDS, I lost my house I worked my whole life for due to a house fire last year and I have two beautiful children aged 13 and 10, I am 32

I cannot put into words my life, and my story. It's too much. I can only say the things I have been through are completely beyond what most humans can endure, for many many years in physical, emotional and mental torture.

I have tried twice before and got saved by paramedics and antidodes. Today I have planned to book a hotel 7 days from today, so I'm not around my loved ones to find me, and to overdose.

This fills me with absolute pure sadness as I would love nothing more than to live. I love life. I love my children more than anything. But my illnesses and situations make it where I cannot continue, and it is better off for them and for me to just go.

How do I put this into words for my loved ones? I am looking to spend my last day with my baby's, doing everything they want before going to a hotel and doing my last act. My biggest worry is making sure I articulate my letter the best I can, it's not about that I dont love them, I love them beyond words. I NEED them to know that. I need them to realise nothing about my decision was in lack of love for them, so I need to articulate this well as I obviously wont be able to converse after.

I need to go though, for everyone's sake.

Can someone maybe explain it better or tell me what it is? I have autism so I don’t get the connection between words and the meaning well. (So don’t be mean if it’s a weird question). I have the feeling but I don’t know the word. Can you help me?

I’ll try to explain the feeling that matches the word more: it’s often portrayed in fiction. I think this is how I can explain it best:
The specific pattern of the attention of a person who does not outsource suffering but rather turned inward? Often giving vibes of tortured soul in fantasy romance I think. Not everyone has it compelty so it’s hard to name characters. Everyone has parts of it but never the entirety of it. Also some very quiet emo men have it portrayed in fiction too. Sometimes they portray it in serial killers or monsters too mostly then focused only on the female main character. The air has texture there and literally feels more. Generally more and also softer. Maybe denser?

Surely it is something that must come from suffering then? But I can’t pinpoint the word.

I wish somebody would love me. I wish people saw a worth in me. I want to wake up with a message or call on my phone but day after day it just will never appear. I just keep repeating how little of a person i must be seen as to be. I feel like I have always been expected to just not be mad or upset and push it all in so deep inside and just forget the thing I just buried because why remember a life full of being forgotten,abandoned and hurt by most I came to love more than I will ever love myself.

Ive told people im moving away but the actual truth im not moving im planning to be dead by the mentioned day.

I got circumcised 5 years ago and I did not need to,I was self conscious at the time and my frenulum was a little tight when fully erect so I was scared it could potentially rip when having sex but at the time I didn’t know I could just do a frenuloplasty and I figured if I just do it and get it out the way it will be better long term. Fast forward 5 years I recently started heavily regretting my circumcision starting in February after I went down the Reddit rabbit hole and seeing that alot of people on the internet actually advise against it and say you should not do it unless you have to or it should be a last resort thing to do. I recently started going to therapy because of this and I find myself stuck in this loop of “why did you do this” or “you didn’t have to do this”. Although I am a virgin and haven’t had any sexual experience at all I’m worried my sex experience isn’t going to be as good as it could be with foreskin because I see people that get circ later in life saying sex isn’t what it used to be or it feels like 30 percent of what it used to be with foreskin.

I am also an indo carribean born in America and my culture and people usually don’t do that and I’m just kind of bummed that it feels like I’m not like everyone else in my culture and recently finding out that most of the world is not circumcised makes the regret worse.I got it done at 17 I’m 22 now and it seems like my brain has started to wire up and make better decisions at around 20 if I would not have done it and just waited till now I would definitely make a more logical and well thought out decision with way more research and I most likely wouldn’t have cared and realized girls actually don’t care if you have foreskin but yeah idk it just feels like I didn’t really gain anything I only lost I have some scarring now and less pleasure I don’t think I am botched at all the doc did a good job but it just sucks that my sex life has been potentially reduced for no reason.

I just can’t come to terms that this is how it’s gonna be for the rest and there’s nothing I can do about it to change it I don’t really want to restore because that takes too much time and I feel like it will come out weird. Everything in my life recently has just come to a halt and a pause my goals and everything I had planned for the future just stopped or I just can’t see into the future anymore I don’t know what to do or how to go about my life now because it doesn’t matter how hard I work or how much money I make I will never be able to get that part of me back I will always feel incomplete I’m genuinely just stuck in life right now and don’t know what to do.

Every little thing makes me want to cry anymore. All this stress piling up.. My life feels like a constant struggle for finding a reason to keep existing. Theres so many things i wish i could change about myself, I just want to be happy... Why is that so hard?

I feel so reliefed knowing i have a painless way i figure out to leave. I just wish people wouldnt get hurt by it

I'm going to tell you what happens when you have no strength left. They think it’s a style choice when your socks don't match, but you just grabbed the first two random ones because you were too lazy to look for a pair. Just to avoid interacting with another human being for twenty seconds, you don't take the elevator. Ringing phones are your nightmare, and the lies you make up to avoid people compete with skyscrapers. Before, you used to rebel and fight. Now, you have given up so much that you don't even deem anything worthy of hatred. You accepted it because you just stopped caring. You feel so useless that you feel ashamed to laugh next to your mother. You have lost your self-respect, and the bottom is no longer a place you hit; it has become your home, your homeland. You love sleeping and drinking because both take you away from thinking and living. You chose to become someone you never wanted to be, and you succeeded. Usually, you don't even dream anyway; by now, you don't even want to want.
You have long since understood two things: there is no human being who can put up with you, and there is no one who can help you other than yourself. Before, you used to feel relieved thinking that you would die one day. Now you can't feel relieved, because you have been stuck in the same place for a very long time while time flowed forward. Knowing that you cannot give account to God in this state, you say "I can't die like this" and you give up on the only dream you wanted to come true. You want to die, but you know that you shouldn't want to die in this state. Sometimes you wish God didn't exist so we could just cease to exist. What a painful burden it is to be condemned to exist. You believe in God very much, but on the other hand, you live a quarter before suicide. You have founded the nihilism sect of religion in your own world; a state that rots a person but does not kill them. The rotting is from nihilism, the not dying is from God.
It hurts so much to watch your own loss despite so many God-given talents. You think a lot about doing your final ungratefulness to the one you constantly show ungratefulness to, right after a prayer. You even think, "should I not go empty-handed," in a crowded public square. It brings relief sometimes to get caught up in these thoughts—thoughts that no human being should ever end up in a state to be relieved by. I am not making literature; if my house collapsed, I would sleep on the street and wait to die. I used to think that dying was something that should cause great uproars, but I am dying silently and quietly. Forget dying, even having died is something that happens silently and quietly. I remember my father's funeral—the funeral of my father, who was the most important being in this world after myself. How many people came genuinely because something important happened, rather than just out of a sense of duty? If this is what the dead can do, you think about the power of the one who is dying, dying completely in silence, alone with themselves. I know nothing happens without effort, my God, but this time I truly need a magic wand. I cannot put in effort, but I beg very well. I am begging. I swear by the pain I feel in my throat, I am so desperate for Your miracle.
Guys, I can't carry this anymore, please pray for me.
(A letter written by Cemre Demirel-Michael Sikkofield)

I am so so so so so so sad. My anxiety is awful I’ve been off work for a year and have left my house a handful of times in that year. Mainly just to go buy cigarettes all I do is smoke and eat and feel sad for eating… I’ve been suicidal since I was 7 and I’m turning 29 in 2 months. I have always said that I will kill myself when I’m 30 if I am still depressed and it’s getting closer. I feel sorry for my parents and brother and that’s why I haven’t done it yet I wanted to wait until everyone kinda has there own life and support network because I don’t want them to be sad when I do it. I say I feel sad and not depressed, I just think this world is so fucked and I honestly hate most people and I just don’t want to be apart of anything. If I could just live in my flat playing animal crossing and eating yummy food I would be so so so happy that’s all I want. Not to see anyone not to do anything just to eat sleep smoke and play cosy games. That’s honestly the only thing keeping me alive.

Idk if this is the place but I’m desperate I feel like my life is going down hill I’ve lost everything that I thought I loved in a month and I’ve never been so isolated and lonely and yet I feel like I deserve it and blame myself idk what to do with myself it just feels like it’s getting worse and idk what to do

19 y/o male here. Due to moral and religious convictions, I would prefer my partner to have as little experience as myself. I would actually like to wait for marriage or at least very late in the relationship. I don’t like hookup culture. Intimacy should be reserved for that person you will spend the rest of your life with. It’s a commitment thing for me. Sleeping with a girl will be reserved for someone I’m 100% committed to. If I’m not 100% committed to them I won’t date them. The problem is, the older you get, the longer you wait the more experience people around you are getting. Especially if they are attractive. 10% of females age 18-30 are virgins as of a 2023 study I think.

I’m still a virgin and not very attractive. The more time goes by, the more dudes girls are screwing around with. So even if I do find someone attracted to me, they’d have way more experience than me. The bar has already been set for them. Something I can’t give nor live up to their expectations. Finding a good looking girl who shares my convictions about waiting a long while for sex and doesnt have a lot of bodies is realistically impossible as I get older. Am I genuinely cooked?

i spoke with various crisis lines before. they didn’t help me. i cant keep going on like this. i need to die now

Ever since my divorce I struggle sleeping alone in my bed. Every time I try I just cry. Instead I sleep on a tiny couch. I just wish I wouldn’t wake up.

Yes, this is a new account. Please take me seriously because I am serious.

There really isn’t a good explanation for why I feel like this. I am sleeping constantly and I haven’t been eating, drinking, or showering much(I struggled with this back when life had meaning but now I don’t have the energy to get out of bed). First I went and talked to my mom, she’s trying tried to cure me with sunlight and self improvement bullshit(if it was that easy I would have already done it). A bit later I needed to text 988, it was just an ai on the other end. Now I am here because nobody else cares to talk to me.

Honestly I don’t even have the words to describe this. I just want to talk. I really need help, but realistically I can’t get it.

All my life I've tried to be part of some group or fit in somewhere, which is possibly the main cause of the depression I've suffered from these last few years. No matter what I do, memories always come back of something I did that went wrong (I've never had a positive experience). I spent a lot of money on things that I now look back on and completely regret. A few years ago, I tried to disappear, and as you can see, I failed. I've tried medication and therapy, but I'm still just as bad. At this point, I'm just waiting for the day I can't wake up anymore...

Tw: self-harm, suicidal thoughts

I am twenty-one years old woman and have been struggling with depression and social anxiety since I was about 14. Growing up, I cut myself with dull scissors, just enough to hurt but not to cut. One day, I cut too deep and left cuts. That day, my mother grabbed my hand and said, "stop pretending, people in the world have real problems." From that moment on, I stopped confiding in her and closed myself off from the world and others. When I turned eighteen, I started drinking vodka before bed so I could fall asleep, or I would stay up for 3/4 nights just to get one night of sleep. Nobody knew, nobody cared.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't leave the four walls of my room, I slept for weeks or not even once for several days. My mother thought I was just lazy, my sisters bullied me. My younger sister always said, 'Stop pretending you're depressed. You're always talking about killing yourself or getting yourself hurt. But you're still here" My mother told me not to upset her with my words about suicide, otherwise I would make her have an epileptic seizure.

I was bullied at school from the time I was about 8 years old. I've always been chubby, so I've been bullied because of it. I've been ridiculed, insulted, and humiliated. No one will ever stand up for me. I locked myself in books, which over time became my only escape. I stopped feeling anything. I started smoking. One day I took more than three times the dose of sedatives.

My mother only just woke up to the fact that I was having panic attacks and breakdowns at school. I would start crying or hyperventilating in the middle of class. Only then did she refer me to a therapist who said I needed psychiatric help.

During our first meetings I didn't say anything at all, which made me feel even more guilty that my family was wasting money on me. When I first started talking to my psychiatrist about the fact that I was hurting myself, that I was drinking to calm myself down and to stop 'seeing, hearing and feeling a presence behind me', my mother was terrified. I openly said that I didn't care whether I lived or died. I said I'm only alive because I'm a coward who can't kill herself. I was hoping to join my father and uncle (my father died in a work accident when I was a few months old, my uncle committed suicide after two previous unsuccessful attempts). I was hoping something would happen to me.

When I started taking medication everything improved, but over time I went back to hurting myself. Now I live with my boyfriend in a different country than my family. I still hurt myself. Most often I pour candle wax on myself because I know the blade will leave wounds that my boyfriend will notice and I'm afraid of what I might hear then.

I feel like I'm going back to frequent nervous breakdowns, anxiety attacks and total depression.

Sometimes I just want to take all the medication I have at once and wash it down with a whole bottle of alcohol.

I just need to vent. I want someone to understand me and not tell me that 'people have more important problems than yours' and for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.