u/IIllIIlllllIIIIlIIll

With the house of loss and hidden and hardship guaranteed.

Most people who took their lives, do you think they are the ones unable to come out / graduate the tough cycles or placement?

I'm looking to end my life.

I've been in a long journey.

Quit my job today.

So I could just leave this world cleanly. Tying up loose threads.

Tired now..

Leaving with 24 hour notice and going MIA. Anyone done this before?

I joined this really bad company two weeks ago, and it turns out the business may be operating somewhere between grey and illegal. They told me it was an AI company, but after joining, I started hearing people casually use words like online gambling and crypto. Salaries are paid in cash, and I have been handed bundles of cash to pay vendors.

I was never given an employment contract, even after asking for it. And being promised by it.

Comoany documents has not directors signature, and when required, they started using the local employee's and now since I joined, one of the documents they wanted to use mine.

Visitors are apparently not allowed to take photographs, yet someone took a photo of my face with the company signboard behind me. The moment it happened, my gut screamed danger. I felt as though my face could now be connected to something I never knowingly agreed to be involved in.

For the past two weeks, I have worked 13 to 14 hours almost every day without proper breaks. I worked Saturdays and spent the weekend running work errands. There are no public holidays or sick leave. The salary increment I was promised never happened, many current employees had lost that salary increment because a new management took over and dismisses it, the employees were frothing, and even I was given twice or three times the workload for the same money.

One night, I left work at around 10:30 p.m. My foot gave out and I fell on the way home. My bum landed, and I sat on the ground beside the road while cars passed and people stared. I was so exhausted that I did not even want to move. Eventually, I forced myself up and walked home unsteadily.

I have had enough. I genuinely cannot work another day there.

The woman I replaced also went MIA. She took the company laptop, phone and petty cash with her, gave no handover and stopped replying to messages. Apparently, many employees before me left either with 24 hour notice or by going completely MIA.

I have worked for a decade and have never disappeared from a job. The thought of doing it now scares me because this would be a first in my entire career. I at least want to give 24 hour notice, rush through the handover, return the access card and hand over the relevant logins and passwords before cutting contact.

I already expect them to withhold the salary I earned. Part of me feels so angry and cornered that I want to hold onto the cheap company laptop because what they owe me is worth far more than the laptop itself. I know that could create another problem for me, but that is honestly how exploited and desperate I feel right now.

My body has already started giving up, and I no longer feel safe or motivated being connected to this company.

What should I do for the MIA? Do I even text them that I'm leaving within 24 hour notice? Or just do the same by blocking everyone without informing?

And I know I can't do it.

I'm in my mid 30s and I've already felt like I had enough.

It is such a shame that I have to live long. I wish I was a short lived person.

I have been through a lot. And this... I'm afraid another say of hustle or dangerous situation or pain or despair or whatever it is, I'm not ready for another resilience life.

I had Jupiter Mahadasha for 16 years, starting from the age of zero to sixteen.

Jupiter is my functional malefic. For Libra rising, Jupiter rules the sixth house, which is enemies, obstacles, servitude and the third. It sits in ny twelfth house, hidden. And it's mt Gnatikaraka, the enemy significator. So life has been hard since my formative years.

Then Saturn took over for nineteen years, the dues collector following the enemy ruler. Back to back, the two hardest possible administrations, covering birth to age thirty four.

Entering Mercury Mahadasha next year Feb 2027 for seventeen years, roughly 9 good years, 7 workable years, 1 hard year.

I'm not looking forward to Mercury Mahadasha, becauae it is some other kind of trouble. And hard effort. Legal, verbal conflict, written conflict, documents slowed, visa rejected, etc. Mercury is my twelve house.

I'm running in high anxiety and fear. I'm unemployed. Pushed out of job because of work politics, I delivered results, they stole my work, took the credit and made me out saying my position is made redundant when they've extracted everything.

I'm scared to go out to the world, get jobs, go for interviews. I fear for life. I fear for another long hardships. I already know career is my weakest planet, it will be hidden and applied the same everywhere I go. I don't think I can do it.

Anyone running their Saturn Mahadasha feel such fear to live?

I had Jupiter Mahadasha for 16 years, starting from the age of zero to sixteen.

Jupiter is my functional malefic. For Libra rising, Jupiter rules the sixth house, which is enemies, obstacles, servitude and the third. It sits in ny twelfth house, hidden. And it's mt Gnatikaraka, the enemy significator. So life has been hard since my formative years.

Then Saturn took over for nineteen years, the dues collector following the enemy ruler. Back to back, the two hardest possible administrations, covering birth to age thirty four.

Entering Mercury Mahadasha next year Feb 2027 for seventeen years, roughly 9 good years, 7 workable years, 1 hard year.

I'm not looking forward to Mercury Mahadasha, becauae it is some other kind of trouble. And hard effort. Legal, verbal conflict, written conflict, documents slowed, visa rejected, etc. Mercury is my twelve house.

I'm running in high anxiety and fear. I'm unemployed. Pushed out of job because of work politics, I delivered results, they stole my work, took the credit and made me out saying my position is made redundant when they've extracted everything.

I'm scared to go out to the world, get jobs, go for interviews. I fear for life. I fear for another long hardships. I already know career is my weakest planet, it will be hidden and applied the same everywhere I go. I don't think I can do it.

Anyone running their Saturn Mahadasha feel such fear to live?

Do it. Because another day with them is anither day of allowing them to abuse you, your being, life force and energy is sucked out.

And also another day lesser to heal and gain back your sense of self and most importantly, a day of peace.

I'm in my mid 30s, I should have done it sooner.

I am planning on no contact soon. Never a day I live is without the hope, the prayer of "I want to get the fuck out of here, and hope I'd cut ties". Disgusting woman. She gave birth once, but she don't owe you anything more foe decades worth of extraction and abuse.

Trigger warning of child sexual assault, molestation. Stop reading from here.

----

My mother knew. That's the part I can't get past.

I'm starting to realise that some of my strongest trauma triggers aren't just connected to my father, they're connected to my mother too.

My father has repeatedly behaved in ways that I experienced as sexually violating. He would time it so we'd end up in the same space, watch me while I bent down, stare at my chest or my buttocks, and find reasons to position himself close to me. Certain phrases he used, like "Let Daddy buy it," now make me feel physically sick because of what I associate them with.

I had been molested and abused by my dad. On top of having and going through having a narc mother.

From my perspective, she knew. She saw enough over the years to recognise what was happening, yet she never protected me or said anything. She let it happen. She never removed me from the situation. She never stood between us. Instead of stepping in, she let it continue. Instead, I felt like I was left to manage it on my own.

Sometimes I wonder if that's the wound that runs even deeper, not only living with someone I experienced as predatory, but growing up with the knowledge that the parent who was supposed to protect me didn't.

Has anyone else found that the lack of protection from the narc mother became its own trauma?

Has anyone else with CSA experiences developed an aversion to certain phrases because of what they became associated with?

A memory has been coming back to me.

After he'd do things that made me deeply uncomfortable such as watching me, timing when I'd be alone, staring at my body (breast and ass) later he'd say things like:

"Let Daddy buy it."

Or,

"Daddy will pay for it."

It was never anything big. Usually sweets. Fruit. Lunch. A drink.

Looking back, I don't know if it was coincidence, grooming, or something else. But those phrases now make my stomach turn.

I hate hearing them.

It's strange how something that sounds caring on the surface can become contaminated by the person saying it.

Has anyone else experienced certain words or phrases becoming triggering because of who said them and what they came to represent?

Question for CSA survivors

Has anyone else experienced this?

For years, I thought my first time was with my partner.

But I remember something that has stayed with me. Afterward, I looked for blood because I'd always heard that your first time is supposed to bleed.

There wasn't any.

As memories of my CSA have started surfacing, I've found myself wondering whether that moment confused me because my "first time" had actually already been taken from me, even though I had forgotten or suppressed it.

I'm not saying bleeding is proof of anything. I know everyone's body is different.

I'm wondering if anyone else went through this kind of realization, where something that didn't make sense at the time later took on a different meaning after recognizing or remembering CSA.

I'd really appreciate hearing from other survivors.

Astrology has a marketing problem.

It promises gifts. Hidden talents. Wealth combinations. Raj Yogas. Foreign success. Spiritual awakenings disguised as setbacks. Every difficult placement arrives with an optimistic footnote.

"Don't worry. Saturn delays, but he never denies."

People leave chart readings reassured that the universe is secretly on their side.

Then there are charts like mine.

Three planets in the 12th house. Sun. Mercury. Jupiter.

Most people have none.

Mine gathered in the house of loss, expenditure, exile, isolation, institutions, sleep, and surrender, as though someone decided dissolution deserved a committee.

Mercury is combust.

Not just any Mercury. The Mercury that will rule my next 17 year Mahadasha. My 9th lord and 12th lord sits so close to the Sun that astrologers call it burnt. The very planet meant to govern the next chapter of my life begins that chapter on fire.

Saturn is retrograde in the 4th house, in its own sign.

Home. Mother. Emotional security. Property. Peace.

Saturn didn't visit those areas.

It moved in.

Moon, Mars, and Ketu share the 9th house.

The Moon governs my career. Mars brings conflict. Ketu cuts, detaches, and dissolves. Fortune, higher learning, belief, father, the entire house becomes a place where emotion, aggression, and severance negotiate with one another.

Across the axis sits Rahu in the 3rd, staring back.

My 7th lord is Mars.

Conjunct Ketu.

My 10th lord is the Moon.

Conjunct Mars and Ketu.

Even before anyone starts interpreting, the chart already feels crowded with tension.

Then there are the absences.

No planets in the 2nd.

No planets in the 5th.

No planets in the 11th.

The houses people usually point to for accumulated wealth, gains, romance, children, creativity, and speculative fortune stand empty.

And for roughly the years most people build careers, marry, buy homes, and establish themselves, I was running Saturn Mahadasha for 19 years.

If astrology is symbolic, then this chart speaks in remarkably consistent symbols.

Does that mean life is doomed?

No.

It means I have little patience for the sentimental version of astrology that insists every hardship is merely abundance wearing a clever disguise.

Some charts are easier than others.

Some people begin life carrying less gravity.

That shouldn't be controversial.

If your chart disappoints you because it didn't promise extraordinary wealth, effortless relationships, or endless good fortune, I have only one request.

Look at mine.

Then count your blessings.

Put down your teacup. Set aside your chai.

Now look at this, in case you'd choke or drop your cup.

Three planets in the 12th house. Combust Mercury. Saturn retrograde in the 4th. Moon-Mars-Ketu conjunction in the 9th. Rahu in the 3rd opposing that cluster. Both the 7th and 10th lords afflicted.

Most people have zero planets here in the 12th.

I have three: Sun, Mercury, Jupiter. All locked in the house that spends and dissolves.

Apparently the universe looked at the house of loss, isolation, expenses, exile, hospitals, sleep, foreign lands, and subconscious dissolution and said, "Needs more."

Mercury combust.

Not just any Mercury. My Mercury.

The planet ruling my upcoming 17 year (Mercury Mahadasha) life period is literallly on fire. Too close to the Sun to function independently, stripped of independent light, unable to speak in its own voice. Mercury is also my 9th lord AND my 12th lord, and it's combust in the 12th. For seventeen years.

Saturn retrograde in the 4th, own sign. In its own sign.

Which is astrologer's code for, "Congratulations. The landlord is also the prison warden."

Saturn didn't visit. It bought the house. Restriction, delay, heaviness, austerity, at full power, sitting directly on the house of home, mother, domestic peace, emotional foundation, and property. Not passing through. Parked. In its own garage. With the engine running, for my entire life. Sleeping on a concrete floor, no comfort.

Moon conjunct Mars conjunct Ketu in the 9th. My mind (Moon), my drive (Mars), and the south node of karmic severance (Ketu), all piled into the house of fortune and father. My mind. My anger. A headless karmic vacuum cleaner.

All sharing one apartment.

The Moon, which is also my 10th lord, also happens to rule my career, is sitting with the planet of aggression and the shadow that dissolves whatever it touches.

And the Moon is in the 9th with Mars and Ketu. My career planet is emotionally volatile (Moon), angry (Mars), and periodically disappearing (Ketu). Career stability in my chart doesn't exist as a factory installed feature.

My career significator is in a knife fight with a ghost, in the house of luck. So it's like my career planet is trapped in a knife fight with Mars while Ketu quietly erases the CCTV footage.

Rahu in the 3rd opposing all of that. The 3rd/9th axis, courage and dharma, communication and belief, is a battlefield. Both nodes involved. Both malefics (Mars + nodes) activated. The north node of obsession and worldly craving stares directly across the axis at Moon-Mars-Ketu. (Rahu watches from the 3rd house across the axis like it's front row entertainment.)

My 7th lord? Mars. Conjunct Ketu.

The planet ruling my marriage and partnership house is Mars, and Mars is conjunct Ketu in the 9th. The marriage significator is with the planet of severance. So...Excellent news if I wanted my relationship planet to develop an identity crisis.

Then I look down.

Second house.

Empty.

Eleventh house.

Empty.

The houses of money and gains look like an abandoned shopping mall.

Fifth house?

Also empty.

Children. Romance. Creativity. Past life merit.

Just dusts sitting in a roofless house. Nobody home.

Saturn Mahadasha for my entire prime. Roughly age 16 to 34. The hardest planet, running the longest period, during the years most people build careers, marry, accumulate wealth, start families. I got Saturn on the 4th house, retrograde, for all of it.

Listen in the hardship again, I spent the years from roughly sixteen to thirty four in Saturn Mahadasha.

The exact years most people build careers, buy homes, get married, and generally become functioning adults.

Sometimes I stare at this chart and wonder whether God had been angry when He put me here or what I had done in my past life.

In case you feel sad that your chart didn't give you an extremely wealthy life, look at my chart and count your blessings.

I genuinely don't understand this.

Someone allows his narc wife to split his family apart, emigrates, becomes a citizen of another country, and doesn't even return to his birth country every year.

But this year, he suddenly comes back specifically for ancestral prayers.

Not to reconnect with the family.

Not because of anything, except his morality comes? As this has always been an annual tradition, yet he did not do it every year. Just this once. For something. For a piece of land. For something he could gain for his own family (children and wife).

Well, just this year. He came back.

What am I supposed to make of that?

How do you place so much importance on honouring your ancestors or your own offspring while standing by as your own living family is torn apart?

To me, it feels deeply contradictory.

Am I missing something, or does this strike anyone else as backwards?

He's a golden child.

I don't know how to live a life where my work keeps leaving me.

Not physically.

I mean the credit.

Ideas, frameworks, systems, writing, things I've spent years developing, research, learning, gather, memorize, worked through, paid a price from lessons... somehow end up being used, repeated, or attached to someone else. Sometimes directly. Sometimes indirectly. Either way, the return rarely comes back to me... to none at all.

The money doesn't seem to find me either.

It's as if value is constantly extracted from me but never compounds in my own life.

What makes it stranger is that people assume I've had an easy life. They see me and imagine there must have been support behind it.

There wasn't.

I inherited almost nothing, financially, professionally, advises or emotionally. Every piece has been built from scratch. On my own. Myself.

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know how to navigate this anymore.

Life has been meaningless. Efforts or works seems to be pointless anymore.

I don't even know if this is a chart issue thread or mental health thread.

I'm quite set to be not living and my decision is fixed, consistent every year. It doesn't just surface once or every few times a year, it spread across as many times a day, everyday, to few times a week. Multiply this to monthly to yearly, across decades now. I'm in my 30s and the more I try, heal, apply love, all, everything. Worked hard.

Everything you named. I just want an end.

Dead. Rumination, anxiety increasing. I should just hide myself. Mind can't stop embarrassing myself in what i do in a group of people.

I don’t really know how to write this properly.

​

I keep thinking about something that happened to an ex friend’s husband. Their marriage broke down very quickly because he had hidden serious drinking issues and lied about it. It became frightening and life threatening when she asks him to quit and it escalated. She eventually sent him for a mental health check and then sent him back to his country.

​

After that, from what we last heard, he continued drinking. His mother later found him passed away in his bed from kidney failure. He was young, probably early to mid 30s.

​

I know this is a terrible thing to say, but it has been sitting inside me: I envy the fact that his life was short. I envy that he passed in his sleep, in his 30s. I’m in my 30s now, and I feel exhausted by life. I think about it everytime when life is hard. And I can say the thoughts stays few times every year. It's been 5 to 6 years now.

​

I don’t think I want to try again. I feel like I’m ready to go, and I’m scared of how calm that thought feels.

​

And the reason why him out of all, I don't know. Maybe he is the only one I know who had passed at the age of 30s. And out of all friends, I felt we both were the lower energy, slightly more depressed typer. My friend had a higher frequency, she is a warrior. And I always know that I can't make it in life. And I recognize him. In the end, he did succumb. He couldn't fight against the hardship of life and he cope with drinking.

​

I don't drink, I don't know how I cope. But... i envy that he get to stop life and the pain. Whereas I still have to carry this.

​

I’m not posting this to glorify death or to hurt anyone. I think I’m posting because I don’t know where else to put this thought, and I don’t know how to ask for help without sounding dramatic.

​

Has anyone else ever felt this kind of envy toward someone who died young? How did you get through the part where living feels like too much work?