wlw troubles and uncertain about my sense of self
recently had some thoughts about relationships. f20 this year and i’ve never been called someone’s gf. wife yes, i had a homoerotic rs that lasted quite a while that led me to become even more confused with myself especially since she gaslighted and manipulated me constantly about her feelings and sexuality, which made me feel like the things we did weren’t real, and while she used me she called me her wife. “if you really want it put yourself out there”, i’ve been told, but maybe i’m not “out” enough to find the right person for me.
all my crushes since i’ve been born were women, except for one male ec. i have not labeled myself just for the uncertainty that if i ever want to venture out and date men, it would be out of line of what i am labeled with, plus i really think labels don’t matter. i did have some straight men who were interested, some were sweet, but i never felt the connection with any despite the nice dates. i had a few encounters with women, especially older, that strengthened my women loving, but they never worked out. how do i find even more wlws in sg.
i don’t feel lonely, i had my fair share of community in the school i graduated from up till now, but my identity and romantic status feels very stagnant. i love women and i feel like i would only want to be with a woman, but it also comes with doubts for the future when it comes to coming out to my family whom i know will not take the news well and stability as pragmatic as sg gets. i’ve also started a job recently that won’t allow me to be in the country majority of the time, so i did have the thought that finding a relationship at this stage of my life is going to get even more challenging.
anyways with pride month being over (okay fine i’ll go back into my closet) and seeing so many beautiful couples, i just felt like as i grow older, i should gain more courage, my sexuality included. it’s hard but all i can tell myself is that it’ll be okay, and maybe someday, i’ll find a woman who’ll make love worth finding all the answers for.
feel free to share. just need some decompression.
also is irene (bae) perchance a homosexual i feel a deep seated lesbianess in her. she was part of my awakening.