u/sushinchuehn

Hello! I (M34) have been friends with a childhood friend (F33) for almost 25 years. She recently ended a relationship of 6-12 months. She is grieving heavily and solicits enormous emotional labor for me as the 'gay best friend' that my brain is now refusing to provide.

For context, she's experiencing sexual abuse as a child and has deloped an insecure/anxious attachment pattern. She entered a deep depression ca. 7 years ago as she started opening up on her trauma and has been going to therapy and medication ever since. I really feel for her and there is few people I've known for longer than her.

All of her romantic relationships have been very complicated due to her attachment patterns and them ending has caused an extensive depressive episode ever single time. Over the years, Ive sort of become her personal therapist for these issues so that whenever this happens, I will bear the brunt of it: phone calls for hours, me having to come to her to comfort her crying. It doesn't last for a couple of weeks, but months. And once she stops crying over a particular guy, she will start crying about being single. All of this has been so taxing, that I get quite anxious whenever she gets into a new relationship, just because Im already expecting the worst.

After the latest person came, she came to visit me (I live in another city) for four days. I had plans with friends and everything. I had to spend my entire time with her, and when my friends suggested that maybe she can leave her troubles behind for a few days while she was in town, she responded 'no I came here to be sad with him'. After these four days, I felt like all life had been sucked out of me and I spent two days alone at home in darkness to recover.

Ever since, I have sort of been avoiding phone calls and delayed answering to texts. Yesterday I was feeling a bit tired and down and texted her that, and she immediately asked for a phone call so we could be sad together (I just wanted to be left alone for a day and sleep off my exhaustion).

I don't know how to deal with the situation. I know she has had a very difficult past and I feel for her whenever she is going through something, but I also feel that I just can't listen and be there for her anymore. I've known her forever, but it has been forever since we have madr genuine positive experiences together, because the therapeutic element of our friendship has taken center stage already for an eternity. 

How can I remove myself from this somewhat toxic dynamic, affirm my boundaries, but still provide some limited support to her?