u/sweetwallawalla

I've been on Strattera for a few months, working my way up from 10mg to 40mg. I have noticed some improvement, especially around task initiation and finding systems to help me stay on top of things. I even feel more like my chaotic thoughts feel more organized and like I'm better able to have one thought at a time. I have only forgotten my son's school water bottle once, a huge achievement 😅 I don't feel the total mental clarity some people describe, but I do feel *some* improvement.

BUT!!!! My biology is completely broken. My boobs are a mess of pain and weird, "letdown" tingling sensations like I had when I was breastfeeding. My periods are heavier and longer. My PMS anger is so bad that I literally feel like a completely different person. And now I'm spotting in the middle of my cycle, which has never happened in my entire 30 years of being a menstruating person.

I just don't know if it is worth it to continue down this path. I already have such extreme health anxiety, and these new things don't cause the kind of anxiety a "normal" person would feel. I don't just think "Oh, this must be a side effect of Atomoxetine" (which it might be) or "this might be the beginning of perimenopause" (which, at 38, is totally possible). Instead, my brain leaps straight to "I have breast cancer and colon cancer and probably stomach cancer and uterine cancer, too, and I'm probably going to be one of those people who found out she has a terrible incurable illness on a Sunday and is dead by Tuesday."

I know it's not rational. And I'm honestly not even sure what I'm expecting by posting here. Just tired, I guess. This felt like my last chance at trying to feel what "normal" people feel, and it's disheartening that my body has rejected every anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, and ADHD medication known to (wo)mankind.

I would really appreciate a review of the workout below. I’ve also included some details about me which may or may not be relevant, but I’d rather there be too much info than not enough! My apologies if things are formatted weird, this has gone through a few iterations :) Thank you so much in advance!

Some basic things:

• 38/f/5’3” 153lbs
• I am currently in PT for subracromial bursitis in my right shoulder which makes lifting overhead and some other motions a bit challenging. I am currently avoiding the barbell in favor of dumbbells and machines.
• I have had 2 csections (youngest child is 2.5), breastfed for a total of ~4 years, and worked a desk job for 15 years, so my posture is horrendous.
• I am aiming for BORING but effective. I don’t want anything fancy, I don’t want a bunch of fluff and accessory work IF I CAN HELP IT!!! But, I also don’t want to miss any of my body parts because I am dealing with some right side imbalances, particularly a “dead” right glute and sticky feeling knee on top of the shoulder stuff. I keep getting injured on my right side and my suspicion is that it’s because my right shin kind of bows out a bit and my right ankle is very flexible.
• I don’t have anything against full body days. In fact, up until now, I’ve been doing ~3 days of full body workouts, but I’m trying to work in all these single side movements and that was making everything take forever.

Main goals: To build muscle and improve my posture. If I lose weight, that’s great, but mostly I want to be strong. And maybe have a nice butt and a back that doesn’t look like the letter C 😅 

All of these workouts starts with a 5-10 minute warm up on the rowing machine or elliptical machine, bodyweight movements, etc. I never skip warmups! Right now, I just want to make sure I have my bases covered. Also, everything is 3 sets of 10 reps because I have been lifting heavy enough that my 10th rep is TOUGH, but still with good form.

MONDAY: Upper Body 

Assisted Pull-up
Chest press machine (or with dumbbells)
Single-Arm Dumbbell Row
Single sided Dumbbell Lateral Raise (going lighter on these than I probably could if my shoulder was in better shape, and sometimes I skip it if I’m having a bad shoulder day)
Bicep curl/tricep kickback superset (only working one arm at a time)
Dead Bugs (3 sets of 1 minute each)

TUESDAY: Lower Body

Goblet Squat
B stance rdls
Weighted side step ups
Glute kickback machine
Standing calf raises
Forearm Plank: 3 sets of 30 second holds, but can probably move up to 1 min

WEDNESDAY: PT for my shoulder and Apple Fitness+ yoga

THURSDAY: Full Body 

Assisted pull-up
Reverse lunges
Chest press machine
Dumbell RDL and single arm dumbbell row superset
Weighted back Extensions
Seated Dumbbell Reverse Fly
Suitcase Carry: 3 sets of 50-foot walks per side.

Friday: Cardio

Saturday + Sunday: Rest/playing with kids/gardening, etc

I am at my wit’s end with the whining as it is, but every. single. sentence. out. of. his. mouth. starts with “Mama” and almost every single time, it’s said with a whine.

”Mama, look at this. Mama, this car is like a magnet. Mama, when I’m ten I’m going to want a skateboard. Mama, I was right there WAS a magnet! Mama, when my sister was little she wandered off on her own. Mama, I need ketchup.”

These sentences on their own are not the issue. It’s that when he starts them, no matter the context or his mood, the “Mama” always comes out with…urgency??? Like “MaamUUUhhhh!!!” And then in a normal voice “Did you know there are a million bunny rabbits?”

This doesn’t seem to be an attention thing, though. I can be giving him my full, undivided attention. Literally in the midst of a conversation with him and he’ll still say it with that whining/panic tone. I hate to use the word “triggering” because I feel like it’s been used so much that it’s lost all meaning, but it’s the only word I can use to describe the flushing, irrational anger I feel after hearing my name, in that tone, for 12 hours straight.

I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate the way I’ve been responding to it. Sometimes I will literally cover my ears before I know what I’m doing. Today I told him he needs to call me something else, and that hurt his feelings and made him ask, in a very quiet whisper, for something he wanted at lunch because (I think) he didn’t know how to start the sentence/ask without saying my name ☹️

I don’t want to feel this way, but it is completely involuntary. I need to figure out a way to work through this, either in myself or with him.

I love everything about my life. We are so privileged, have a great village, live in a great new city that we love, I have two amazing kids that I’m fortunate enough to spend every day with, watching them learn and grow and thrive.

AND!!!!

I’m 3 days from my period. Stuck inside because of the rain. Can’t go to the gym because my youngest‘s nose is running like a faucet and, even though I think it’s allergies and she feels fine, I’m not going to be that guy. I‘ve been dying to get some deep decluttering done and keep unpacking/organizing, and thought today would be a good day for it but NO! Because she can’t just BUILD magnatiles, she needs to build STAIRS with magnatiles and she needs HELP “climbing” the stairs, and I NEED to LOOK at EVERY iteration of the stairs. And my oldest thinks that, because our routine is off today, that it’s time to watch TV for some reason??!! So much whining. So much “Mama, watch this! Mama, I need… Mama, I want… Mama, my sister did X Mama, wipe my butt! Mama, the song is over. Mama, I’m bored. MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA”

Everything is sticky and loud and touching me and whining.

Thank you for coming to my depressing TED talk. I hope your day is going a million times better than mine 🫶