people who have went from a low bmi to now being weight restored - how do you view your older body? are there things you haven’t noticed back then?
specifically if you struggled with the thought of “not looking sick”
I feel like my body is looking totally healthy at a very low bmi, and my therapist said to just give it time, and see how my perception changes during recovery
I miss who I was. I miss having structure around meals/my intake. I miss exercising and doing lots and lots of steps. I miss seeing the scale go down. I miss getting compliments for my body.
I know that all of those thoughts are bad, and I know that most of them are directly influenced by my ed. But I can’t help it.
The fact that I will never see my lw on the scale again, that I will never go back to fasting for days and days, that I will never be that sick again is so sad to me.
I just want to go back. It felt so comforting.
But I can’t. I still don’t have my period, I am still restricting myself from certain foods, I am still sick. But I don’t feel like I am.
I am not as unhealthy as I used to be. And my brain is telling me that I am basically not sick anymore. Why??
2-3 times a week I will get the most insane hunger at night. It’s one of my biggest obstacles in my recovery so far.
it usually looks like this:
wake up at 2 am. super hungry, physically. eat a snack to satisfy the physical hunger and then another one due to mental hunger. then go back to bed.
wake up 2 hours later, use the bathroom. after using the bathroom: physically hungry again. decide if you should just go to bed or eat again.
if you decided to go to bed: bad option. you don’t fall asleep again and constantly think about food.
if you decided to eat: okay, you made yourself something to satisfy you. you’re now physically full and about to go to bed. but wait, there’s still some leftover food. might as well just eat that. no no no, you’re full so you shouldn’t eat it. but you keep thinking about it.. you really want to eat all the leftovers.. so you eventually give in.
now its like 5am, you’re painfully bloated, feel like you’re about to vomit, and somehow you’re still not satisfied. and then the physical hunger comes back. so you end up eating till you eventually fall asleep due to exhaustion.
l follow a meal plan and usually eat even more on top of it. I have a very balanced diet so I don’t think “eating more of xyz/eating more during the day will help.
I constantly fight the urge to just restrict for the rest of the day after these episodes. either due to guilt or because I feel like any more food will genuinely make me vomit.
what the fuck is happening to me. binging? extreme hunger?? my body trying to drive me fucking insane???
tw: weight and calories mentioned
ever since starting recovery, I have noticed a drastic decrease in my energy.
during restriction, I was able to effortlessly get an average of 30k steps, perform my daily tasks, and participate in other sporty activities. I was at a bmi of 12-13 during that time and eating around 1400 kcal daily.
now I can barely walk ip the stairs without getting a weird feeling in my legs. It is hard to describe but it is incredibly annoying.
another thing that might be helpful: this really “weak” state is the most prominent in the morning till around noon. at night I suddenly feel normally energized.
my breakfast is already my biggest meal of the day, with lots of fats and carbs so idk how I could improve that. I also eat snacks throughout the day.
I don’t think it’s my diet because I follow a balanced meal plan from my doctor, and I eat above it too. I have asked my doctor about this before, she said to just give it time. Yh sure but I still feel confused so I am gonna ask you guys
I eat around 2300 kcal daily and am still at a very low bmi,so I understand that my weight may be the cause.
but if it is, why am I only NOW starting to experience this?? why not when I was literally starving myself??
hello! I have been in “recovery” for the last 5 weeks. I want to recover. I don’t want to live with this miserable illness anymore. But I also can’t seem to commit to recovery.
I keep trying to plan how much I gain in what amount of time, how much I will eat and how much I will exercise.. basically everything I did when I was restricting, but with the intention of gaining weight. But even then, I find myself not wanting to go over a certain number.
If something doesn’t go according to the plan and I end up for example eating more on one day, I restrict on the next day.
Do I actually want to recover? The reason I started all of this was because it was either 1. gain weight at home or 2. go back to the psych ward. The reason my ed got worse was because of my most recent psych ward stay, so I want to avoid another one by all means. That means gaining weight at home.
But that also means that I don’t actually want this, no? If the doctors would leave me alone I would go right back to eating in a deficit.
I do imagine that a life without this ed is beautiful, and I would love to experience one, but I also don’t want to let go of my ed.
my question is: how can I actually commit to recovery? How can I let go off all the habits that have been a part of my life for ages? How can I accept that not everything needs to go according to some plan I made up? How can I accept that I need to recover and need to let go of old habits if I actually want to be free from this disorder?
I hope this makes sense. If anyone has any questions/wants me to elaborate please let me know.
one of the main reasons I want to recover is because I am very unhappy with the way I look.
I want to gain weight and I don’t mind the idea of my body changing. What I do mind is the number on the scale and the number of calories I need to consume in order to actually gain.
All the advice I see regarding weight gain is just about the bodily changes, but that’s not my problem at all! It’s the numbers for me, and the fact that I am not able to cancel it out
I have weekly weigh ins at the doctor (I don’t get told my weight, just if I lost, maintained or gained) and every time they tell me that I am “doing well” it feels like a punch to the stomach.
I don’t count calories, but after years of restricting most things are just kinda engraved in my brain?? And the fact that I know that I am eating above my maintenance, and A LOT over my maintenance at that, is hard. I constantly fight the urge to restrict again.
I feel like I am losing control, like I will continue eating and gaining weight forever.. it’s so weird
Has anyone else experienced similar things? Is there anything I can do to accept that the numbers don’t define me?