my interpretation is holding me back
i am on the long journey of healing my complex trauma. i have gotten decent at managing my own emotions, communicating to resolve conflicts and setting boundaries. i've learnt a lot from the founding texts but a conflict with a friend this month made me realize that one of my interpretations is holding me back.
despite massive progress i still ocasionally have the issue of seeing my own needs and feelings as an obstacle to be overcome. in the attempts at conflict resolution with the friend i constantly took space away to calm down and tried to meet them where they are at, which was really frustrating when they didn't meet me where i was at - and to some degree that could have been helped if i had explained where i was at from the beginning, maybe even before trying to adapt to their needs. anyway, i'm not looknig for advice with this situation, i have irl friends for that.
what i am asking is: how can i square learning to value and respect my own needs with being adaptable? i have some idea of how to set boundaries without using force - you decide how you will act in response to a boundary crossing by creating more distance to the person to keep yourself safe. if i dont want to hug, i simply take a step back and raise my hands to say no nonverbally while also creating a comfortable distance. i used to ask for permission and then wonder how to force people to care about my needs - that doesn't work and it's hard and there is an easier way.
but yeah: in a situation where both me and the other person have conflicting needs, what would be a helpful interpretation of daoist teachings that i'm unlikely to interpret as telling me to swallow my own needs to "be adaptable" - tricking me into forcing myself to be someone i'm not? because of my trauma i tend to interpret things to mean the same abusive ideas i was raised with where i always had to fulfill other people's wants and to repress my own needs, feelings and desires to the point of self harm. are there specific chapters or texts about this kind of situation?
(i have read the zhuangzi once and i'm halfway through the dao de ching. nei yeh is next on my list. i can barely read so it can't be anything to long - i'm only reading these as audiobooks.)