parenthood and identity
for the longest time, i’ve (30f) never wanted to have a child and have felt very secure in my decision to be cf. around nine or so months ago i started having huge mood swings around the idea, i would guess both due to hormonal shifts after turning 30 and being in a really healthy and safe relationship. the tldr version on my fiancé’s end of things is that he’s indifferent and wants me to make the choice that would make me happiest.
i have some time to think on it since neither of us would want me to get pregnant before our wedding and that’s over a year out. since then, i’ve been looking at a lot of online info and talking about it with my therapist.
one big question i see come up asks if the reason you want a kid is because you want to identify as a mother and the title of having a kid or if you really want to do the hard work of being in a child’s life and raising them. the question brings up that there are many people who just want to say they’re a parent, have it as an identity, “have” a child/family like you would have a tangible object, etc but don’t want to do the work. the thing is, i’m the exact opposite. i work as a therapist, and i would absolutely love to help a child navigate the world and grow into their own person. and sure, the work of parenting doesn’t always sound pleasant, but the hard parts sound like a sacrifice i’d being willing to make. however, having “mom” be a part of my identify grosses me out so bad. i know myself, and i know i would not react well to having an onslaught of “mommy / mama” nicknames on me from anyone but my actual child, would not want anything to do with “mommy” related groups, would not be responsive to people who only knew my by (child’s name) mom, etc.
i think that’s probably a sign i shouldn’t be a parent, but i don’t think i’ve seen anyone else have my response to the aforementioned questions the way i did. does anyone else feel like they want to raise a child but don’t want to lose their identity? and has anyone actually made a decision based on it?