r/FenceSitters

I(28) have been seeing a guy(32) since 6 months now and from the start we knew we had different stands about kids. I hadn’t put much serious thought but always assumed I would probably have a kid, and he didn’t want kids. His reasons were he wanted early financial independence to have a peaceful stress-free life and the amount of responsibility that goes in raising kids. He likes kids and loves spending a lot of time with his niece.

Initially we hadn’t parted ways early because everything was going so great and healthy from a relationship pov and we were feeling happy getting to know each other. At 3rd month we decided to give it a hard think, share our views and then ended up parting ways.

But it only lasted a fews days. We both just felt so bad about leaving such a good thing that we decided to give it another try. I even bought the book the baby decision book, realised having a kid was just a default setting handed to me by society and genuinely thought a lot about being childfree to give it a fair chance. I am now more neutral about kid/childfree choice and can see either happening in my life. I am still working on it, genuinely very confused and trust that time will reveal more to me.

We had a lot of long conversations and I gave him a lot of time. He put a lot of thought into his decision. With everything else going on in our lives, this took another few weeks.

By the end it started emerging that he could see how good this relationship was, wanted to be with me and believed he would be okay with having a kid if it came to it in the future. I was of course a bit paranoid, and asked him a lot of questions about his previous childfree choice and concerns.

- For financial independence he said he was okay to push his timelines a bit. The goal is to be happy and at peace which he would be because he had confidence in our relationship.
- For the responsibility bit he said it would be fine if he is with the right person.
- We also discussed the conditions of having a kid and agreed that we wouldn’t have one unless we were in an environment and standards that we set for having a kid.
- I had also said to him that he can’t take a purely emotion based decision and that he needs to actually be somewhat okay having a kid to give it a fair chance.

Honestly we worked a lot on it, and by the end we were happy and thought things were finally gonna be good.

After like two weeks, something triggered him to think about all this if I was not in the equation. And he felt confused. Which made him anxious about his whole decision and why this thought was coming up now. He said maybe he was feeling overprotective about himself and his beliefs. But at the same time he was feeling a fear that this relationship could end.

He is confused why these thoughts are coming up now and what to make of it. I thought we had covered all bases and all this happening now is really hurtful. And he always sounded firm on the fact that he would be happy with it since our relationship would be good.

I don’t know where to go from here. I tried my best and now I feel like I am kind of done thinking about this.

I have been a fencesitter for my entire adult life (I am F, 32) and my husband (M32) is also 50/50. We are both currently leaning towards trying for a baby. I have PCOS and endometriosis so I feel like I can't put all my eggs (no pun intended) in that basket as we have no idea how bodged my reproductive system is.

Waffle aside, my question is - how many of you who ended up deciding to TTC were actually *truly* sure you wanted a baby? Is there an element of having to start and see where things go? I am currently going through an autism assessment for context, and so the idea that there isn't a definite answer is a bit baffling to me!

I am 34F with a long term gorgeous partner who I absolutely adore.

We thought we wanted to have children but in all honesty both had doubts and didn’t talk about it enough in hindsight. BAM! pregnant first time,

Considered abortion but didn’t really have the guts- thought it was just first tri blues/hormones.

It didn’t fade… I’m 22 weeks and just totally regret the pregnancy. It’s changed everything that was previously happy - my career, relationship, finances, mental health - and im SO detached. My identity has totally gone. None of my mates have kids near me. We were DINKs…and it was great.

All these pregnant and scared posts… bollox. Just listen to your gut. It’s ok to take the pill.

So my word of advice is… firstly please think fully before TTC. Then please don’t ‘hope’ feelings will change or clarity will arrive. Don’t ‘wait and see’. Dont worry about others fertility journeys or if they’re having kids. Dont let anyone tell you it’s just hormones or pre natal depression. I’m a very nice person and hold high values and I think it fucked with everything - I felt like I had to do this because I could. Everyone’s advice confused me.

It gets worse as your body changes with pregnancy too - feeling the kicks is horrific. I’m going to have to start buying baby stuff soon and my god…I just don’t give a shit. I actively don’t want the bb.

I realise I’d have been happy being CF… if you’re unsure and it’s early pls remember it’s your choice and the earlier the better if you want a termination. Don’t do what I’ve done.

Seek counselling from MSI etc they’re good at reminding you to put yourself first.

Dont look at all that pro life shit either… I was like ‘oh no it has a heart beat’ etc

My advice - if you’re unsure take the the pills, it’s got to be better than this. Id honestly rather regret the abortion and know what I want than this…

Everyone tells me I can do the things I think I’ll miss… but it’s not that it’s that I want to be childfree.

I’ll post from the other side when I can..

https://preview.redd.it/gj3hteptht0h1.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=32361e26ca91b0fde3a9695fb7287adf62823595

My client was torn between the classic look of wrought iron and the low maintenance of aluminum. We ended up going with a 6ft powder-coated matte black system for a few specific reasons:

https://preview.redd.it/zfoqax6vht0h1.png?width=2560&format=png&auto=webp&s=939eb842b57d1115a34e925e1515a364ffd2f3bc

https://preview.redd.it/rcpomurxht0h1.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=06c504a2ce7f61d6ce7a5abbe56d83b7c1bc075a

• Zero Maintenance: Unlike their old wood fence, this won't need staining or board replacements every 2 years.
• The Terrain: The backyard has some tricky elevations. We used a racking system (instead of stair-stepping) to keep the bottom gap consistent and pet-secure.
• Visibility: It provides security without closing off the beautiful view of the woods behind the property.

I’ve seen a lot of people asking if aluminum feels "flimsy" compared to steel. Pro-tip: Always check the wall thickness of the posts and the grade of the alloy (6005-T5 is the sweet spot for residential).

Curious to hear what you guys think about the color choice—does the black pop enough against the grey stone, or should we have gone with a bronze finish?

Going on 7 years together.

As friends I said I dont want kids.

She later asked me out and I said yes.

After awhile dating it came up again and I said no kids. Chilled.

Then not so chilled.

I said if you are uncertain thats fine but when you turn 25 decide... if you want the option leave if not stay.

Well 25 rolled around I briefly said hey do you remember what we said about this particular birthday(a few weeks after) and she said yes I want to be with you.

2 years later she is now having second thoughts about wanting kids.

Eventually it came out that she definitely wants kids.

Personally I think its because her career is not where she had hoped it would be by now and if her career sucks then she might as well be a mom so her life has meaning idk.

I was hurt and upset and confused because I don't want to be single or date anyone else.

Even if I wanted kids I still live with my parents because my job doesn't pay well so its hard to fathom being a father one day.

I said I would think about it and probably change my mind because I would do anything for my partner even giving them a child but the way I am disgusted by babies makes me think I am silly and must just rip the bandaid off now.

My biggest fear is splitting up and then in 10 years actually wanting kids and then just living with regret stalking my ex seeing her with another man and children.

Not sure what I'm doing posting here but I have had nowhere else to talk about this :/

Has anyone experienced this: being so good with random kids that you never hear the end of ‘you’ll make a great mom etc’

I grew up as the first child of 4 and did a fair bit of parenting which I’m pretty sure is why I am able to hang out with kids or even calm them down when everyone else is at their wits end.

At best I should probably be a sleep trainer 😂 but with time and age (39F) it’s becoming the kind of comment that makes me pause

Not to mention I’m analytical about everything else in life - so I’ve started looking for tips or even frameworks of how to think through the question itself. They didn’t teach that in school.. anyway, glad to find this sub, past comments are greatly appreciated and if resources are out there to think through this, would appreciate the shout