Willful child breaks me
Background/context:
Diagnosed a few years ago, my 6yo is clearly a blend of my AuDHD-I and my husband's ADHD-H, but we haven't gotten him diagnosed yet. We are the social/emotional autistic flavor, and he has some developmental delays that cause him to be difficult to understand (he's in ST).
I have a short fuse. I've worked hard on my anger management because I grew up with a very yell-y dad (un-dx but v autistic lol) and I didn't want my son growing up like that.
The situation:
My kiddo has a tendency to ignore me. I know he can hear me because when I repeat myself he often says "I knooooow, I heard you". When I ask him why he didn't answer me he just says he doesn't know. I've told him repeatedly that I need him to say something, even if he's just asking for a moment.
This morning was the getting dressed fight. He ran to his beanbag to hide under a blanket and at first it was cute, we hid under there together for a minute. But when it was time to get dressed he wouldn't come out. I asked, then pleaded, then ordered, then started counting (usually that's when he knows I'm serious-serious). I never make it to 3, if he doesn't respond by two, I know that he's serious about his defiance, and it's about to go down.
I dropped my voice into my deepest register and raised my volume. Technically, I guess this would be yelling... But it's not my loudest. It's my "grumpy mama" voice. He knows when happy mama goes away and grumpy mama comes out, and he doesn't like it. I don't like it either.
Even that didn't work. I gently pulled him off the beanbag and started getting him dressed, asking him to stand up so I could put his pants on. He did the floppy ragdoll routine. I struggled. I got crankier. He started crying. When I was finally done I told him it was time to go downstairs to get breakfast, and I grabbed his stuffy and told him we're going downstairs and he can stay up here or come with us. He cried like I was stealing his favorite toy.
His dad was downstairs so I passed him off to Dad and went to eat my own breakfast. Meanwhile, cranky-monster-pants was in full defiance mode and threw his breakfast on the floor. Eventually Dad got the ship righted with some tickle monsters and a Pediasure "milkshake". But I'm still ruminating.
The ask:
How do I break this downward spiral of defiance begetting anger begetting defiance? Sometimes I'm able to break it by offering cartoons (that's a whole other post), but the longer this takes the less time we have, until there is zero time for even one Bluey. And of course, that pressure doesn't help.
How do I get him to not just listen but to hear me? We have a great relationship most of the time - I'm the cuddles and comfort parent and Dad is the routine and playtime parent. But with big love comes big feelings, and when our feelings go head to head, it gets explosive.