r/AutisticParents

I don't know what i'm looking for here. I am lost and in a situation that has me constantly on edge. My son is 5 years old and is level 2 autistic, and he stims physically and vocally, as well as having a hard time with communication and listening. His stims can be loud, but with some gentle management he is able to quiet himself, it just takes some reminders. He speaks plenty, and responds in his own words typically, but sometimes mimics TV shows or videos he sees at his father's house instead of answering directly. Overall my son is sweet, kind, loving, and gentle, if a little hard to keep under wraps. My daughter is 9 and undiagnosed (but is diagnosed with ADHD), but I suspect she is also on the spectrum, she shows a lot of signs of masking and lack of understanding of social cues. She also takes everything very literally, won't make eye contact, and has multiple obsessions that she simply cannot stop talking about. My husband came into our marriage with a neurotypical daughter, now 5 years old as well.

All that being said, my son's lack of listening, loud stimming, and my daughter's consistent (verbal) frustration with her stepsister send my husband into constant states of rage. I do everything I can to help my children regulate, make sure they know what is okay and not okay, but I am only one person doing everything I can to blend our family into one being. I am patient. Not endlessly, but I work consistently with all 3 children, who I love with all my heart. My husband has a very distinct difference of feelings between the 3 -- his daughter comes before everyone, and he does not offer the other children nearly as much understanding nor as much love. He claims he tries, but mostly this consists of him yelling at all of the children, and all of the children asking me why he is so cruel.

Since my son's autism diagnosis, my husband (who has known him since he was only 1 year old) has made no effort to research autistic children, or ways in which to effectively communicate with kids on the spectrum. He also claims I am too "soft" with my kids because I opt out of yelling as much as possible. He sees their neurodiversities as a sign of weakness. He sees my gentler parenting as the same. Despite my kids' many improvements over the years, he focuses only on their faults, and constantly blames me for their issues.

I know I am not a perfect mother. But I am at my wits' end trying to be a decent mom and any kind of wife. I wonder if this would all be easier if I was just by myself. My first husband, the father of my two children, wasn't much better. Is there anyone that can relate to what i'm going through? Am I destined to be alone in this? If I am, does it even matter? At this point it doesn't sound so bad, but I, foolishly, thought this time would be different. And of course I was wrong. I think i just need someone, anyone, to relate to. Someone that at least understands what it's like to love two beautiful, if difficult kids -- and not be able to allow someone else to make them feel less than.

AuDHD parent here. I need to vent, and I'm hoping I'm not the only one in this situation.
I am losing it constantly, I just go 0-100 and I am so scared I’m traumatising the kids, the sensory overload and the EF overload of parenting my 3 yo has been absolutely destroying me. My nervous system is completely fried.

I keep looking for support, but it feels like 99% of parenting resources, books, and groups are written for neurotypical parents trying to figure out their ND kids. It feels like nobody is talking about what it’s actually like to be the autistic/adhd parent. I don’t think most people get it.

Does anyone know if there are any actual communities, podcasts, or creators out there that are specially on the parent's regulation and sensory needs? What would you direct me to? Ideally I want actual resources not just this subreddit even though it is brilliant.

I (31 F) and my husband (29 M) have two kids: (4 F) and (1 M). We are both AuDHD, our 4 y/o is nonverbal and autistic, and I’m not sure about our 1 y/o yet. As far as I’ve seen, he’s the most NT of us all.

Anyways my 4 y/o has recently hit a point of being, for lack of a better term, a terror. Staying in the comfort of our home? Horrible. Screams for hours. Grows bored so fast. Take her out to do anything? Screams the whole time. Can’t go to a store, out to eat, or anywhere without her flopping, crying, and hitting/biting herself/us. The only activities she enjoys are where she can sprint around and jump around. We live in Texas, so the heat is awful and parks are not doable most of the day.

She can’t/doesn’t speak or sign, won’t use an AAC or PEC board, and isn’t potty trained or meeting any 4 y/o milestones. It’s like having 1 y/o twins between her and her brother.

We’ve left her with her grandmother to go do things with our youngest, and I feel guilty. Then we try to take her out and I instantly regret it. She’s in ABA, OT, speech therapy, and we’ve designed our entire house to be a sensory seeking kid’s dream—swings, trampolines, every sensory toy on the block.

I’m deep in the trenches right now and so resentful, especially on long holiday weekends like this past weekend. What I wouldn’t give to just be able to go out without a meltdown…does it get better? Does anyone have any tips or tricks?

Just frustrated.

My son is 21 months old and was recently diagnosed but to me it's been obvious for a while. I'm autistic and ADHD so I knew that there was a great possibility of any children of mine having either one or both.

I have been hesitant to share his diagnosis with my in laws because I figured it would either be met with skepticism or defensiveness. It went exactly as I figured it would.

My sil said "this young?" And then said his behavior seems like completely normal toddler behavior despite the fact that my inlaws don't babysit or spend any significant amount of time around him, enough to know or recognize his behavior.

People act like autistic toddlers don't exist unless it's super high support needs. My son was diagnosed level 3 but he seems more like level 2. I know him the best since I spend every single day with him, every hour of the day.

I just find it so confusing.

Also, my husbands family has another toddler who behaves similarly and they claim he was evaluated but I really don't think he was. His family claims they were told he is simply "spoiled rotten" and not autistic. Yet they tell me he hits his head on everything, and is 3 years old and doesn't talk.

I'm Mexican and honestly our culture is so frustrating because its like our parents and family refuse to acknowledge these things. They simply think autism = misbehaved or raised incorrectly.

I'm just frustrated. It's taken the better part of a year for me to get my son assessed and they don't believe it.

Hey everyone! So my almost 8 year old with ADHD was recently diagnosed as Autistic as well. Let me admit - I struggle to parent her at times. I'm not proud of that - which is why I am here... To learn more. My kiddo is brilliant and has wonderful wonder as I call it. She asks lots of great questions, loves to learn etc but I sometimes struggle with the constant questions and interrupting for those questions - or always looking for the next best thing when we thought we were already doing the best thing/activity for her. Sometimes it seems like it's not enough. The arguing (because she is SO literal) and lack of emotion and understanding when I am touched or questioned out, the sensory thinfs... It's all a lot for me to take in .... BUT... I soooo want to be better. To understand her better, to have tools to try when we are both overwhelmed and needing things. Some nights I go to bed and feel so so guilty because I yelled or raised my voice at my precious girl when it's really just her... Her brilliant mind or her not quite grasping the concept of something etc.

So... where do I start? How do I get her help and me help? What tips or tricks or.... I don't know.

ANY (kind) help would be appreciated... Or just knowing I'm not alone. Thanks so much.

Never being able to be alone, sensory overload, emotional regulation of not only yourself but another person, having someone being dependent on you and your mood … I’d love to have kids one day but that scares me tbh. Would love to hear from your experiences, good or bad.

My son needs a toddler bed. He is 2.5 and very tall. He climbs a ton. He started climbing out of it so I switched him to the toddler bed.

He cries and cries at the bottom of his door if I try to have him sleep in the toddler bed. The two nights we did try it he fell asleep crying in front of the door so I couldn't even get in and move him once he was asleep. No naps were had.

He isn't very verbal for his age but he pulled me over to his pack and play. I set that up for him to sleep in and that is what we are doing now. I guess it's safer than the crib if he is going to climb out.

How do I transition him to his toddler bed without him freaking out so badly?

I’m trying to keep better track of small communication and daily routine goals for my autistic child, but I get overwhelmed when it turns into notes everywhere.

I’ve been using Autism 360 App for this, and it’s been useful because the goals and progress tracking are in one place instead of me trying to build my own system.

How do other parents keep routines structured without making the whole day feel controlled?

Our toddler’s (2.5 yrs) teacher told us today that we might want to have more play dates because she doesn’t seem interested at all in interacting with other kids at school. We love her teacher and she probably thought that’s something we might be concerned about, but I already feel pretty certain that my kiddo is AuDHD and gifted (I am also, partner is ADHD and gifted) and so I’m not very surprised or concerned by this behavior. She’s very social with adults and loves to play and we have tons of adults who love her and are in her life regularly, but she has never been very interested in engaging with other kids. That’s normal for young toddlers but as she gets closer to 3 it’s becoming more clear that it might be her personality and not age. She can be pretty controlling of her environment and play and needs space, quiet, etc at times to stay regulated.

I’m curious if other parents of neurodivergent kids experienced this and how was it for your kiddo being in school when they weren’t interested in other kids / socializing? How did it change as they got older? How did you support them and/or challenge them to grow in this area?

I know it can be pretty typical for gifted and neurodivergent kids to connect more with adults, and I imagine as she gets older she will find kids she connects with more, and I want to respect her social boundaries if she isn’t interested in other kids right now, but I’m wondering about how to advocate for her in this way to her teachers and classmates as she gets older.

Hi all my daughter presents like myself with audhd and all the girls in my family really. I am about to have a boy, did you notice your kiddos present like the children in your family? I am so nervous to have a boy as I have heard of your first child is autistic and female your second if a boy is even a higher likely to be autistic and more severe due to female protective factor. I will love him regardless, I just don’t know what autism looks like in young boys and is it usually always more severe?

Hello. Im 17F, older sister to "maria" 10F. Maria was diagnosed with ASD when she was 2 (i was in i think 2nd or 3rd grade). Ffrom what i remember in her papers, her "brain age" or how her mind works at that time was a year younger than her actual age.

Its been hard, we're lower middle class. She did do theraphy for about 3 years before we couldnt afford it anymore due to my father losing his job during the pandemic. As many children with sibling on the spectrum, i was extremely jealous but also enraged by the fact that my mother babies her so much and vlames all of her faults on her autism. That im older and should do all these things such as packing her bag, sorting her laundry, and am constantly being blamed for her behavior because apparently i influence her to do this behavior. I would like to note that for the past 4 years i have stacked so many school and nonschool extracurriculars so i can escape from every blame that i only am home to sleep, shower, eat breakfast.

Today, just about 15 minutes earlier, i asked my sister to pick up the puppies' poop from their pen. She refused and in this exact sequence; violently shook the outdoor umbrella, refused to move from the door leading to the inside of our house, and trashed the PC setup we use for business on the living room, then ran away.

Before i was tasked to go find her in the scorching 40°C heat , i was told that i shouldve just literally "picked the shit up for her" because i am older.

I would like to note that i am moving for college 5 hours away this saturday. No parent contact allowed and i will be back this december then again after i complete my degree in 4 years.

Because of this, my mother and grandmother specifically told me to start turning over my tasks to my sister so that she'd get used to or atleast learn to do these things because my parents are at work pretty much 12hours a day on school days and my grandma cant walk anymore.

Anyways, my tasks include washing the dishes in the evening, picking up dog and cat poop in the morning and evening before school, doing the laundry, moping the house bi-weekly, managing our small store after class and taking in our printing business before and after school.

I still do the majority of that now because they refuse to let my sister do it, saying that im older and its my responsibility anyways.

My mother has always been quite soft, my sister has cut her hand on purpose before because she wasnt allowed to use her phone while watching the tv. Because of that incident (just about a month ago) my mother has catered to my sisters every command and choice of action

Tldr; my sister lets my sister do whatever. I usually am the one to remind her of house rules. How do i makesure my mother doesnt let my sister do everything(mostly harmful to either self or others) she wants while im at college?

Hello everyone. My 21 month old was recently diagnosed with Level 2 autism, and I myself am also on the spectrum. From the very beginning he has had sleep trouble, he would constantly fight sleep even as a newborn. He has never slept "through the night" and he still wakes 3-5 times a night. He's still breastfeeding before sleep, but otherwise I don't know what is causing so much trouble for him to sleep.

I have tried everything. Blackout curtains, noise machines, rocking him, bouncing him, chamomile tea, he doesn't like being driven around in the car to sleep so that doesn't work. Stroller walks. Nothing works. He just constantly fights sleep. It's made even worse when my friend comes to visit, he not only refuses to sleep but completely acts out, throws things, smacks and hits, screams, etc. I know that he needs routine, but THIS HAS BEEN OUR ROUTINE SINCE HE WAS BORN. He has known my friend since before he was born. She comes over every week on the same day, at the same time. Same if I go to visit my parents. We visit my parents every week same day same time. He still refuses to sleep there.

I am at my wits end with the sleep troubles, and if he drops this nap, he will be completely overwhelmed and scream his head off. It takes almost 2 hours just to get him to bed. It used to be only 45 mins to an hour, but now its nearly 2. I dread nap time and bedtime because of this. I sing to him, I rock him, dance with him, play his favorite sleep songs but nothing is working.

I've been cosleeping with him because I can't keep getting up at night, though I will say once he falls asleep at night he stays asleep for a few hours so that's nice, its just the daytime nap that really makes or breaks the day, he clearly needs the nap and will scream and meltdown without it, but fights the nap for hours. I've tried moving the nap earlier or later but nothing works so I'm sticking to keeping his nap at 12:30 pm.

Please suggest anything that has helped. The only thing I can think of is that I do recall when I visited my parents the other day, my son was rocking in a single person hammock with my uncle, and my uncle said he fell right asleep, he brought him to me and my son ACTUALLY fell asleep at my parents house. I'm thinking installing a sensory swing/hammock in my son's room to help ease him into rest.

I'm just so tired and frustrated that nothing is working. I worry that the hammock might not work because the other hammock my parents have is outside, and he may not want to rock inside, but I suppose its worth a try.

Please help, anyone. Or at least commiserate :-(