r/AutisticParents

My kid is 11, and is a pretty understanding and great kid. Sometimes there are moments where I can’t seem to balance certain aspects of my autism with being a parent, like explaining well enough that I have certain routines that I need to do a certain way and very much need to do them alone when possible, especially in the morning I need a good thirty minutes atleast to do my routine and then I jump into the morning and spend time with them.
It’s more than fine during the week since they’re at school but the weekends make me so nervous. Even my wife being home on her days off makes me nervous because I feel like she still doesn’t fully understand how rigid my routines can be. I worry my kid takes it personally at times no matter how much I explain it just helps to set me up for a good day. And now they have all of these holiday breaks coming up and I can feel how anxious I am just thinking about it. I struggle to advocate for myself as a whole, but especially at home I feel a good amount of guilt.
They know what autism is and has a friend with it so I guess I just wonder sometimes if it would click more for them if I admitted that I have autism rather than vague explanations, because explaining to them is almost an everyday thing at this point since they’re seem to not always take what I tell them seriously and forget.

Background/context:

Diagnosed a few years ago, my 6yo is clearly a blend of my AuDHD-I and my husband's ADHD-H, but we haven't gotten him diagnosed yet. We are the social/emotional autistic flavor, and he has some developmental delays that cause him to be difficult to understand (he's in ST).

I have a short fuse. I've worked hard on my anger management because I grew up with a very yell-y dad (un-dx but v autistic lol) and I didn't want my son growing up like that.

The situation:

My kiddo has a tendency to ignore me. I know he can hear me because when I repeat myself he often says "I knooooow, I heard you". When I ask him why he didn't answer me he just says he doesn't know. I've told him repeatedly that I need him to say something, even if he's just asking for a moment.

This morning was the getting dressed fight. He ran to his beanbag to hide under a blanket and at first it was cute, we hid under there together for a minute. But when it was time to get dressed he wouldn't come out. I asked, then pleaded, then ordered, then started counting (usually that's when he knows I'm serious-serious). I never make it to 3, if he doesn't respond by two, I know that he's serious about his defiance, and it's about to go down.

I dropped my voice into my deepest register and raised my volume. Technically, I guess this would be yelling... But it's not my loudest. It's my "grumpy mama" voice. He knows when happy mama goes away and grumpy mama comes out, and he doesn't like it. I don't like it either.

Even that didn't work. I gently pulled him off the beanbag and started getting him dressed, asking him to stand up so I could put his pants on. He did the floppy ragdoll routine. I struggled. I got crankier. He started crying. When I was finally done I told him it was time to go downstairs to get breakfast, and I grabbed his stuffy and told him we're going downstairs and he can stay up here or come with us. He cried like I was stealing his favorite toy.

His dad was downstairs so I passed him off to Dad and went to eat my own breakfast. Meanwhile, cranky-monster-pants was in full defiance mode and threw his breakfast on the floor. Eventually Dad got the ship righted with some tickle monsters and a Pediasure "milkshake". But I'm still ruminating.

The ask:

How do I break this downward spiral of defiance begetting anger begetting defiance? Sometimes I'm able to break it by offering cartoons (that's a whole other post), but the longer this takes the less time we have, until there is zero time for even one Bluey. And of course, that pressure doesn't help.

How do I get him to not just listen but to hear me? We have a great relationship most of the time - I'm the cuddles and comfort parent and Dad is the routine and playtime parent. But with big love comes big feelings, and when our feelings go head to head, it gets explosive.

I’m a 22-year-old autistic mother dealing with depression and anxiety. I’m considered “high functioning,” but I’ve always struggled a lot socially. Since giving birth, my depression and anxiety have gotten drastically worse, and my communication skills have gotten even harder. I feel so anxious that sometimes I can barely speak up for myself.
I’m in a situation where I promised my in-laws that I would move in with them postpartum, but I’ve kept pushing the date back because I haven’t felt ready. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready. They’re helping me with my 2-month-old, and I’m grateful for that, but being there has been extremely overwhelming for me.

They’re all very outgoing, and sometimes they’ll take my baby out of my arms. They’re also doing things I don’t want when it comes to raising my baby, like giving her screen time and co-sleeping with her. I’ve told my boyfriend that I need him to communicate my boundaries for me because I genuinely struggle to do it myself, but I’m not even sure how much he’s actually communicating because I keep seeing the same things happen.

I just cannot communicate there. There are his parents and three other people in the house, and it’s way too much for me socially and sensory-wise. I feel like a party pooper for wanting to hold my own baby, even though I’ve been the one taking care of her mostly on my own for these past two months. The only breaks I’ve really had have been shower breaks when my mom holds her. And I’m fine with that!

I hate having my baby away from me all day. It has gotten to the point where I can’t even go downstairs to eat with everyone. I have to ask my boyfriend to bring me food every day because I’m too anxious to go down there. I’ve been staying here this entire week hoping I’d feel better or more comfortable, but honestly, nothing has gotten better.

I’m starting to feel a lot of resentment toward everyone, and I know it isn’t their fault. I’m just incredibly frustrated with how anxious I am, how overwhelmed I feel, and how much I have to depend on my boyfriend to communicate for me.
I really am grateful that they’re trying to help. But honestly, the kind of help I need right now is pretty simple, someone cleaning my pump parts in the morning and giving me enough time to shower. I don’t need or want my baby away from me all day.

I think I’m just realizing that maybe I’m not ready to live with them, and I feel guilty because I promised I would. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m just struggling so much right now, and I don’t know how to make anyone understand that.
I’m also grieving my breastfeeding journey since it didn’t go the way I wanted. I’m trying to bond with her as much as possible since baby won’t nurse :(

I am waiting to get assessed for autism after my 2.5 year old displayed some behaviours that led me to reflect on my own as I investigated how to help them.

My issue is that since they entered toddlerhood I’ve been having breakdowns pretty regularly, 3-4 days out of the week, sometimes multiple times a day. The main triggers being the constant touching, noise and defiance.  Didn’t help that as they entering the toddler stage I had to have a life saving surgery where I lost a pregnancy,  about half a year after that I got pregnant again (have an infant now) and in my first trimester my dad died. After that cluster of live events my resilience to day to day struggles reduced significantly. We also moved homes shortly after my youngest was born and after that I’m also struggling physically to do most things. And now I’m here feeling not fit to be a mom at all and unsure how to move forward. 

My husband works a job and a gig, studies and helps elderly parents while also helping our family. I don’t have family around and I don’t have any friends to even talk to. Friends and family of my husband sometimes help us out but it’s sparse, and I struggle to handle that help because it comes with social ties that are exhausting to me as I think about them too much and try hard in all encounters, as well as toddler acting up more or shutting down around others in a way that I find stressful to handle.

I am excited to get toddler help but I’m uncertain how much help that’ll be if I’m having such a hard time at home as I’m in charge of their day to day. 

Please share any insight on how to get out of the hole I’m in. I’m barely figuring out how to help my own sensory sensitivities to not become increasingly agitated on the daily, but I’m not sure there is a way to handle the unpredictable nature of toddlers with similar tools. 

To emphasize, I am looking for advice from neurodivergent parents about how to cope with parenting and its challenges. Please do not offer advice geared towards my child. Please no advice from neurotypical parents of autistic or otherwise neurodivergent children. 

I cross posted this.

Edit: Thank you all for making me feel like I can trust myself in what I’m experiencing, means a lot as someone who's only now beginning this journey.

Basically, I’m autistic. I don’t have great social skills and I’m always questioning myself whether I’m doing something correctly or if I’m being weird. I know there’s a chance my son might be autistic as there is a genetic component to autism. However, I have put a lot of effort into teaching my son social skills appropriate for his age (he’s 9 months).

He’s recently learned how to wave hello and goodbye, so regardless of who it is if I’m saying goodbye or hello I encourage him to do it too. Like I’ll ask him once or twice if he doesn’t do it I just move on, I don’t drag it out for ages until he does it (who’s got the time?)

Is it weird for me to do that?