u/tempoqwerty

My partner can’t even look at me because of guilt.

He just looks away.

He looks away literally, as in he physically cannot look at me. I feel constantly ignored. I have to beg for compliments and even then I get none.

He looks away emotionally. My needs are ignored and my dreams are shelved. My requests are acknowledged but never fulfilled.

He looks away sexually. We never have sex, and he never sees me sexually. Even dressed sexily he won’t notice me, and he just dissociates during sex to think of porn (even though it only happens once a month max).

I get no niceties, no compliments. No reassurance, no empathy and no love.

I am a ghost.

I want so badly to just let go of all of it and NEVER have to think about porn addiction ever again. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill, and remembering it is what my partner is choosing over me makes me feel like I’m dying so why can’t I leave

We went to a fancy event and, the night before, HE asked me to wear a specific dress. I was so happy, I finally felt appreciated, seen. It’s a dress that requires a lot of confidence, so I haven’t worn it since I found out about his OF addiction years ago.

So I wore the dress. I felt beautiful, finally. After YEARS of feeling invisible. I was perfectly fine getting to the event, but as soon as I was in the same building as him, the panic set in. The scanning set in. The looking around at who’s going to be taking his attention from me.

I felt like a pig wearing lipstick. I felt like such a joke for finally thinking I could be the special in his eyes. I was so triggered, I had to go hide and cry before meeting up with him.

It may sound like a typical outing with a PA, and it is for the most part. But for once I had hope. Hope that I could just go out with my partner and have a good time.

This was last friday. Since then, I’ve tried leaning on him for support about this 4 times. First time he didn’t even say anything, so I pushed and asked if he did check anyone out or get triggered and he said, all proud “It was nice to be able to actually enjoy women’s outfits for once”.

This isn’t normal. He is ruining my life. I hate him and his obsession over OF. He’d rather look at sex workers who won’t even know him than spend time with his real life partner who does everything for him, and he can’t even listen to my feelings about it.

I think I’m done. I’m out of hope. He will NEVER make me happy. I will never get the support I need from him. This realization is making me feel extremely suicidal, and I’m not getting any support in that regards either, obviously. I’m horrified at what my life has become. I’m drowning.

So I went to his graduation, 4 months post D-Day. I wasn’t sure but he didn’t invite anyone else. He asked me to wear a dress for him, so I was pretty happy at first.

When I got there I immediately felt like a complete idiot for making an effort to look nice for him. Everyone looked beautiful of course. I remembered that I am not special in his eyes. The whole event I just wanted to hide in embarrassment. This is so wrong. I can’t even go to my partner’s graduation without feeling like this. How is this my life?! I should’ve felt beautiful. It really showed me how NOT NORMAL any of this is. I cried at the venue.

Then (after a day of celebrating) I brought it up to him. I said I got triggered and it made me really sad. He said that it was nice to be able to enjoy the women’s outfits for once…. I think he wanted me to feel better. But again, it made me realize THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This is the bare minimum, yet he’s proud to have done it “for once”.

So I brought it up AGAIN and this time he argued and said he didn’t realize that it made me that sad. Well I exploded. I told him I’m losing hope that this is ever going to work. He hurt me and he can’t even listen to my feelings, let alone deal with them. I feel like I’m in a relationship with a CHILD.

The dates kept changing. But today he finally said it: it’s been since we came back from vacation, august 2024. The vacation where we got engaged.

He didn’t even make that connection. He just said « since the vacation » and I exploded. Since we got engaged. And we got engaged a few months after the 2nd d-day….. Oh god I’m such an idiot. He’s been in a relapse for 80% of our 4 years relationship. I am a joke to this man. Proposing was a joke to this man.

19 months. From august 2024 to most recent d-day. 19 months of lying to my face. It’s almost 2 years. The implications that this has been going on for almost 2 years without me knowing makes my blood run cold. I’ve been so miserable and I couldn’t figure out why. I feel so stupid.

I almost died from anemia at one point. For months I was confused and out of it. He didn’t say a word. I would cry to him and beg him to take me seriously. I took myself to the hospital in the end, because I was suicidal. I always wondered, why didn’t he say anything? He saw me dying, why not take me to the hospital? Did he not notice?

He did notice. It gave him so much extra time to watch porn, he has to have noticed. He just did not care.

And last night he had another confession for me. He came to me and randomly says « I think i’m a narcissist. I’ve read it online and I have all the traits ». I think this could be my sign to run. It is my sign to run right?