Disappointed I didn’t get a rush after home birth, d-mer, and feelings of disgust, depression, and dread.
FTMs, please skip this one! This is not a positive post but I had the outcome I tried for!
I tried for a home birth with my first but transferred to a hospital and was super disappointed. With my second I wanted to try again. I did all the things to prepare and focused so much on baby positioning.
Labor went quickly and really didn’t have any stalls or anything. We did have a few complications. My girls heart rate was dropping when I was in the birth tub so I had to get out and change positions in bed. Her cord was wrapped around her neck and may have been compressed so the midwife unwrapped it while she was still inside me. I got her out and she was blue and didn’t attempt to breathe. But after stimulation and oxygen, she came to. EMS was called but canceled because she came to fairly quickly and pinked up real good. Then I had some bleeding behind the placenta and it didn’t really want to come out after 25 minutes of waiting. So they gave me a tincture because they were concerned of me hemorrhaging behind the placenta. After a bit more they gave me a shot of pitocin but the placenta plopped right out like 2 seconds after the pitocin was given so it was okay. All of this was done with my consent and understanding and I feel fine with it.
My problem is not that this was all traumatic, it’s not hitting me as emotionally traumatic. I’ve seen this midwife deliver babies not breathing and limp and get them up and running before (labor doula). I wasn’t scared she wouldn’t make it. Maybe I was also in so much pain I couldn’t feel fear at that point?
Here’s my big issue. I didn’t feel any rush of endorphins. I didn’t feel the urge to cry, no relief of pain, no feelings of pride or I just did that. Just the pain. No feelings of ephyroia or extrmee happiness or love. I felt extreme overwhelming love with my first with an epidural in the hospital. This time I was expecting the best high of my life, or at least extreme happiness and love. But nothing. It made me really disappointed and almost like mourning the traumatic event my body was enduring (not my mind, but the pain). And when I breastfeed I experience D-MER. I did with my first too but didnt know what it was. I remember it still happening like a year into breastfeeding. It got better but it lasted a long time
I’m 3 days postpartum and I know I’m experiencing a huge hormonal shift but so far most of my hormones have been bad… Not loving and bonding but feelings of hopelessness and dread. I have started to feel the bonding with my baby and wanting to snuggle her and kiss her head, which I didn’t feel after birth. I didn’t have an urge to kiss her head until the next day. I guess my question is what the f? Why does it feel like my body betrayed me or that I put it through a traumatic event and not an overwhelming love when last time I got that love feeling?
Side note: I have battled depression and panic attacks years ago and have spent a long time getting better. I was in the best mental space of my life the last few years and am now feeling like I did at my lowest. Also are my wires crossed? Sometimes when I’m feeling sexy or hot I get a sudden dread and feel the complete need to cover up everything and hide in a corner. When nursing I feel dread. After childbirth I felt dread. What the heck is wrong with me and how do I fix it???