u/theowawaydang

I 34f single mom 2 kids full time
Sister L single mom 35f 1 kid twice a month visits.
Sister B 40f 2 kids happily married
Mom 70f
Dad 72m
Ex duckface 32m

Some background. My mom and dad decided to buy a house for me and my sister to live in to help us.

To me it’s to help my sister L mainly. She has an alcohol problem and takes too much of her medicine that also shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol and is currently dealing with acute liver failure. She also has the mentality of a 12 year old.

To my sister L it’s to help me and my kids because I have both my kids full time.

My mom has stated this could really help my sister L to not feel so alone and she does better when she lives with others. She has stated she wants me to help be a stability for her.

I was originally not on board.

When my parents first brought up the idea of buying a house for us, they got mad that I did not want to live under the same roof. So as a compromise I made it clear we needed to have separate living or I would not be on board with this. I stated this in a clean text.

This is what the text said (only relevant parts added) :

“I’ve been thinking carefully about everything you’ve shared — not just about L but about the house itself. I understand that if you’re buying something, you want to protect it, make a good financial decision, and create stability.
Before anything else, I want to say thank you. The fact that you and Dad are even willing to help with a house means so much to me. I truly appreciate that you want to take care of us and create stability for all of us.
I also understand how much you want L to have stability. I want that too.
At the same time, I need to be honest about what works for me and my kids. I cannot live in the same shared household long-term. I need my own separate living space and the ability to run my household in the way that feels right for my family. That includes decisions about my kids.
If I move into a home, I would be looking for long-term stability.
That’s why I keep coming back to the idea of a house with a casita or separate unit. It would allow L to have stability and support, and it would allow me to keep healthy boundaries and a peaceful home for my kids. We could still spend time together, have dinners, and support each other — just without sharing the same day-to-day living space.”

My mom said she understood at the time. And I’ve always stuck to that boundary that we needed separate living.

We have moved into a house where she has her own outdoor entrance in the back yard. And there is an inside door that connects her living area (bedroom, living, kitchen, separate from general house), that I’ve asked about having locked so she can’t just come into my space. She keeps saying no. So I’ll have to do it myself. My dad won’t say much because what my mom wants is what he will go with. I also have a side back door to the back yard too.

The other night she wanted to come through the house to get her laundry. And I was uncomfortable with her just coming in that’s why I had blocked the door. I gave her, her laundry and she complained to my mom.

When my mom brought it up it wasn’t great. She started with asking if I knew L was in the hospital for looking yellow (the acute liver failure) and I stated I did not then she brought up why I didn’t want L to come into the house. Luckily I was busy because after stating my kid was having a sleep over, and she didn’t let me know just barged in. It caught me off guard. she said the kitchen and garage was shared living space.

I have no way to lock away the rest of my house if she has free access to the kitchen and garage. I did give her a garage door opener to have access to it. (Laundry is in there)

My sister B really helps L with her medication so she doesn’t take too much and lets L come over to her place but is kind of tired of taking care of her. My mom admitted everyone is kind of done with helping L and that’s why she’s hoping I will be there to help now.

The night before that I did talk to L about how we need boundaries and to not use the door that connects our areas. That she needs to let me know/ask when she’s coming over and to use the back door to my place rather than the connecting door. I don’t want her just popping in without me being prepared or knowing till she’s there. We talked about if she has guests over at least give me a heads up so I don’t think it’s a random person trespassing. We worked out starting to have dinner Monday and Fridays to start with in my part of the house and go from there. And when she has her daughter they are free to come hang out.

I have high anxiety and ptsd from my narcissistic ex so having these boundaries in place isn’t because I hate my sister L it’s because I need to keep up on my mental health and take care of me and my kids. It’s also to protect me if duckface decides to make another cyfd call just to be spiteful. If my daughter were to say she was around her drunk aunt that could be leverage for him to make another call. Even when he was always drunk or high 24/7 around our kids when we were together (I don’t know what he’s like nowadays). One kid goes over every other weekend to their dad’s place.

L when growing up was a bully to me, we never really got along. She would steal my stuff and threaten me often. I had to walk 40 minutes to and 40 minutes from school every day in high school because of her bullying I even went to a separate school to avoid her in middle school. We were cordial when adults but I would not say we have been friends ever. She is my sister and I love her as my sister but I don’t enjoy being around her. She is an energy taker not an energy giver when we are around each other aside from family gatherings.

I think I hit all relevant background. Here’s what I’m wondering how can I make it clear to my mom that her and I have talked and that I’ve said since day one that separate living means separate living. That I don’t want her in my space without me there, or invited. What could I possibly say to get her to not try and tear down my boundaries and enforce her own rules when she doesn’t even live in the same house nor city? What are some things I should mention or bring up that could help her understand I’m not giving in when I’ve already been clear about separate living since day one.

I don’t know how to handle this situation or what to do. I cannot move out right after moving in. I’m there to stay and eventually if I ever have enough money to buy it from my parents one day.

I was stupid for thinking my mom would have listened to my boundaries and not keep trying to break it down.

Other info that might be relevant?

She did mention bringing up my rent more if we didn’t share once. And i currently cannot pay more even tho that would be fair but she’s already paying 300 less for her part of the house with rent alone compared to where she was living. And so am i. Her part of the house is like a 1 bed house and my part is a 3 bed house.

I am fine with paying more but I’ll be in the same situation as if I was at my other apartment of scraping by month to month with help here and there from others still, and the point was to take off some financial stress for both of us too so that would take that away too. Just seems confusing to me.

L always smoked in her house so all of her stuff smells like smoke. I will not be going into her space ever due to the smell alone.

Out of the past 3 years I’ve only asked mom for help twice financially.
She has been helping my sister L since always.

I don’t want her to hold “helping me” over my head as a way to get me to do what she wants. Like giving me more rent, or guilt tripping me into agreeing because she bought the house and “helped”.

If there is anything you have questions or something I left out I apologize and I’ll try and answer.

Any advice on what I could say to my mom to help her understand I have my boundaries for a reason? And how to state it I’m firm on my boundaries without sounding mean or harsh. What could I say not to be mean about it but firm in my boundaries.

Moving again is not an option.