u/thereaverofdarkness

I have been working on this hypothesis for a while now, that the narcissistic neurotype, or perhaps even egotype, is a lot more common than we realize and that a lot of narcissists simply are not malignant. After all, if a neurotype or egotype were typically malignant, one would expect evolution by natural selection to keep its rate of appearance low. But even malignant narcissism seems common enough that it suggests that the genetic traits leading to it have some fairly significant beneficial ends. Also, I feel like my egotype is narcissist, and it seems fairly clear that my narcissism is generally outwardly benign and even at times outwardly beneficial.

When I hear descriptions of individual narcissists being malignant, there are many patterns in their behavior we see from one to the next which I do not see myself engaging in; however the core thought processes which are leading them down these behavioral paths keep resonating with me on a deeper level, especially in ways they do not appear to resonate with most of the people sharing these stories with me.

Today I heard an anecdote about a mother who has been divorced from the father of her daughter, the father has custody; and when the daughter reached her menstruation age, the father was there to help her out and she didn't suffer any social consequences. Her mother became angry with her father--allegedly for moral guardian reasons but it seemed pretty clear the mother was jealous she didn't get to be the hero for her daughter.

I don't feel jealousy in a lot of normal scenarios where most people would. The most typical scenario in which jealousy would occur is when someone's mate is targeted by a suitor. If my mate is targeted by a suitor, it gives me no jealousy at all. Even if I were to reasonably conclude that the behaviors of others around me are unfairly stacked against me and that I should, socially, stand up for myself and demand better treatment, I still wouldn't *feel* any jealousy even in the most extreme circumstance in which I might act as if in response to jealousy. But most of the time I don't even become upset and simply prefer that my partner be able to choose who they want to be with as a free person exactly as I want myself to be. I attribute this lack of jealousy to me being aromantic (I'm pretty sure) and having nothing to do with me being a narcissist.

But there are a handful of scenarios which can provoke jealousy in me, and stolen valor is one of the strongest. If I work hard for an achievement title I expect to receive, then I become jealous when someone swoops in and snatches that title from me. So I can definitely feel where this mother became jealous. I would too!

Where I disagree with her behavior is that she appears to be trying to develop a reputation as a good strong hero mother for her daughter, and in revealing her jealousy out loud she is directly striking against the very image she wants so desperately to curate. Had I been in her position, I would have felt a resentment toward the way things turned out to rob me of this opportunity to be the hero for my child. But I wouldn't have even resented her father for it, as really he did the thing which, had I been the one to do it visibly, I would expect and support that I get positive recognition for it. So I would give him the same positive recognition I expect and hope to receive when I am in his place. It is following the Golden Rule, and it is often an effective way of ensuring you actually receive proper treatment when you finally are in that position. In her jealousy over one opportunity for glory being snatched up from her, she is burning down the path to the next one. It demonstrates a lack of long-term planning on her part and that is a test of character I think lots of people would pass--and in passing that test of character nobody would notice. It is failing the test which makes the anecdote which gets the person noticed. We don't know if she is a narcissist but several commenters suspect she is and I feel like there's good odds they are right.

It made me think about this, about how, if my grasp of the situation is accurate, then her narcissism didn't work against her reputation but when her narcissism became malignant, then it did. And I have seen plenty of stories and anecdotes like this one from plenty of real people. I suspect the reason this woman was divorced from the father of her daughter is that she had emotional self-control issues. It is one of the most common reasons for divorce especially in cases in which the mother loses custody of the child. It tracks very well with the hypothesis that this woman is a narcissist and prone to allowing her narcissism to become malignant. But even if I'm reading this one specific woman wrong, there's just so many other people I've seen like this, fitting this mold.

We seem to have acts of malignant narcissism all around us. Something like 10-20% of the people we know will commonly enough engage in some form of malignant narcissism. Around 1-2% maybe are just nonstop malignant narcissists, and those are the ones who might become diagnosed as a narcissist but even a lot of them never do receive the diagnosis. I have engaged in acts of malignant narcissism and caught myself doing it, and the reason I wanted to stop was never because I don't want to behave as a narcissist so much as because I don't want to be viewed as one.