u/thesealsarescreaming

disclaimer: this is a vent post and i may sound selfish for the way i express my feelings regarding this situation.

my mom used to be obese. she was approximately 90kg before i was born (im the youngest of 3 girls). im now 18 and my mom’s weight have drastically decreased over the years at >!62kg!<. i often overhear her conversations with other people who was at awe of her weight loss, she’d say “well, the goal of my fitness journey isnt to lose weight, but to live an active and healthy lifestyle.”

in truth, she stood by her words. she exercises everyday, chooses the healthier food alternatives, and sleeps 8h a day. this has been her routine for years.

growing up, i occasionally hear her complaints about her body in front of my siblings. she would remark how unflattering the rolls on her stomach is, her loose skin hanging… all that stuff in a joking manner. i never really thought about it since i was young; 9 year old me was indifferent.

then little by little, my indifference was replaced by disordered thoughts as a result of the comments i subconsciously internalize.

whenever we would eat out in a restaurant or get food delivered in our house, my mom would casually say stuff like “haha this is why i cant get thin”, “all i do is eat and eat”, “i cant eat dinner after this” and other variations with that intent — once again, in a joking manner.

it got worse when she started getting weight loss tiktoks in her fyp. her fyp is 30% filled with calorie deficits, workouts, fasting, etc. and i know shes internalizing it because she started incorporating those concepts into her routine and behavior.

after every family meal, she’d tell us about how much she regrets eating those calories and how she won’t eat with us for our next meal.

I genuinely believe its why shes become hyper fixated on me and my siblings weight. she never really meddled with our weights back them. me and my siblings are slim (ranging from >!45-55kg!<). but now, she always has something to say about our weight. we were either too skinny or too fat for her taste.

this has been happening for far too long. I hate having my weight being disclosed and my body assessed. I noticed that when i get dressed, my mom often comes by my room to body check me. she’d look strangely at my half-naked body, assess my body as i walk, make little comments on how fat a part of my body is, and compare my weight to my sisters. she never used to do that.

as much as i love my mom, having her point out my biggest insecurity makes me dislike her. I know its sad that a woman her age is developing disordered thoughts, but its so demotivating to live in the same household as her.

shes now making me start regularly check my weight every day now so she can keep track. because. im getting. too fat. for her.

is it selfish to say its so triggering? I hate it so much. I hate waking up every day knowing ill hear her never ending comments about her weight, my weight, food, calories… i already have internal thoughts about it, i dont want to hear a third person make me feel worse.

I cant express my thoughts properly anymore. I love my mom but :(

[vent post]

i have been struggling with ed since i was >!14!<. i recovered last year and relapsed when my relatives remarked how much i gained weight.

because of that one singular comment, the year i spent redeveloping my relationship with food collapsed. I cried in my grandmother’s room and threw up from how disgusting i felt. starting that day, I fell back to my old self-destructive habits: restricting, throwing away food, self-induced vomiting, lax abuse. i was back in that hell, and to noones surprise, i dug it myself.

at first, we didnt have a scale so i would measure my progress through body checks. I’d take a picture of body and compare it every week, but my body dysmorphia couldn’t “allow” me to see the difference. so, i bought a scale with my allowance.

i thought my ed was finally paying off since the number on the scale was going down. thats what i thought when i saw the scale decrease to >!45kg!< as the days pass. as stupid as it sounds, it made me more happy and confident in myself. I began wearing clothes i liked and stopped being ashamed in my body. I still retained my habit; it made me miserable, but the feeling of satisfactions overweighed it. is that weird?

then, school ended. I had no way to continue those habits in a way i could hide since my sister is always with me. therefore, i made an excuse to exercise purge instead to compensate for the absence of starving. I thought it was working, yk? I was exercising, eating less, walking, all that stuff…. and my weight stayed the same as per my daily weigh in. I looked in the mirror and think “yeah! thats still my body!” — the same body i deemed was ‘skinny’ enough to not feel ashamed in.

until one day, we were in a restaurant and my mom took a picture of me. she zoomed in the picture and told me i gained weight. I try not to let her comment consume me, but i couldnt help but notice my mom’s lingering looks on my body as we were heading home from that restaurant. She commented how it was ironic that despite how much i exercised (>!2-4h!< a day), i gained weight instead of losing. I wanted to cry in the car so badly.

The following day, i checked my weight: it was still >!45kg!<. So i cant understand why she said that. Did i really gain weight? Did i really look like i gained weight? I thought it was impossible since BOTH of my scales said >!45kg!<. I calibrated them both with my dumb bells.

I took a picture of my body and compared it. Again, i couldnt see the difference but it?? Was?? Pretty?? Much?? The?? Same?? I dont get it. Both scale says i weigh the same, but my mom is telling me i gained. I compare and contrast my body checks, yet theyre practically similar aside from the lighting and my clothes.

Im starting to think my scales and body checks are lying to me. Maybe im one of those person who thinks they’re skinnier than they actually are… its such a curse. I want to cry so badly. I thought i was beginning to love my body and accept my wretched lifestyle, only to be faced with the truth that it was doing the opposite.

Im sorry if this does not make any sense. Im trying to stop myself from crying. i dont have any outlet to express my emotions from my ed. I feel so alone and isolated. All i have is my body that i abuse by cutting, starving, and purging, yet my eyes are so blinded by filtering in what i want to see rather the actual truth. Its so pathetic. Im sorry

incoming freshman po, pero di bsa course haha. alam ko lahat nmn ng college ganun, pero yk. tas meron pa silang qualifying exam(?) at pag di nalapasa, shift na. bat kaya di ganun ibang program? o meron at di ko lang alam?

im not sure if this is a “safe place” to ask for this but i really need a place to vent.

a few months ago, my summer vacation started and i wont have classes until august. i cant restrict in my household because my family is close-nit. we eat everyday together and my mom gets mad when i skip a meal. this circumstance is different from my previous routine in school, where i regularly fast and eat dinner only at home.

as i result, i decided to start exercise purging to burn calories and maintain my weight while i still eating 2 times a day. ive been keeping up with this for months, until my mom suddenly realized i gained weight and looked plumper. this sent me into a spiral because, during those months, i never self-induced a vomit as i am aware of the health complication (i used to do it a lot before but i stopped). my brother, who is only home at night, asked why exercising had a contrasting effect on me; instead of me losing weight, i gained.

right now, i am scared to weigh myself because i know that the number ill see will make me cry and hate myself more. it doesn’t help that my mom’s comment is true; my calves and thighs got bigger from exercise purging. my body looks like a mess.

last time i weighed myself, i was about >!45.65!<kg and i dont know if i gained an extra kg or so. Its so humiliating and i really thought i was close to recovery. before you say anything about my weight, im short and approximately >!156cm!< so its a normal weight for me. I want my old body back before i exercise purged, so can somebody give me tips on harm reduction? talking me out of it wont help. thank you for reading this far. sorry for my bad english.

Title

alam ko male dominated ang engr pero curious lang ToT

inspired by what i saw in twitter about a french girl who was in a coma and dreamed about becoming a mom to 3 kids.

i had a dream na chinat ako ng ex situationship ko, at paggising ko, binuksan ko agad ig ko to check. can anyone relate ba dyan?